Banterings of a Basketcase

another wine (or whine) induced epiphany

2011-12-02T22:41:00.000-08:00

I know- the last I wrote, and probably the thousand times before that I was crabby and complainy. I complain to you because I am certain my friends will eventually grow tired of it an want to hit me over the head and tell me to grow up. I am 40 after all. But this way- you only have to hear my bull$h!t voluntarily.

I've been making silly sock monsters for the last month- and am still working diligently on them, so I've been sewing rather than writing or reading.

But I had a nice whine, erm, I mean, wine induced epiphany tonight. It's got to do with men and love, so go now while you can! No? some of you are still here? Okay. Then, I'll probably just tell you what you have already figured out about me. or what someone, maybe even me during another wine induced moment of brilliance, has said.

I have a bad relationship with men and the idea of love. I blame it on chemical makeup and modern society. I'd like to say it all started freshman year with my first love, but I am sure we can just blame it all on my father. No- Not my mother- because she's the chick that showed me strength and love and forever unconditionally loving and adoring her children- my mother is, and always will be, in all her non-perfect humanness, a perfect saintly hero woman to me. Nope- it's the father, who we have already heard some wonderful stories of. But also, it's modern culture- Of course, it can't be my own fault... sheesh.

I grew up in the 80s...meaning, my formative years of love and lust primarily happened then. The ideas of men/fathers/ husbands in the 80s were: Homer Simpson, Al Bundy, and the guy from wonder years. Oh- there were a few nice butlers or widowers (Mr. Belvedere, Silver Spoons) raising kids, and a heck of a lot of strong chicks with/ without kids (Designing women, golden girls, Kate and Allie), and a few seemingly harmless yet powerless dads ruled by their kids (family matters, family ties)....but the role of women in a man's life was outlined much like 2 1/2 men has outlined it for kids today. (BTW- I am sure I am stuck in this stage as Erickson suggests- and have yet to move anywhere near adulthood. Apparently, when I figure out how to love and trust, I can then move up to where most 20 year olds are, and then another stage, and then on to being a real adult. I suspect it will take a few more lives for that)

Al Bundy- women are for lusting after, as long as they are not your wife- your wife is for despising and is just another way to lose money. Homer Simpson agrees. The guy from wonder years just seems like he's always ready to beat someone and he scares me to death.

What's 2 1/2 men taught us? The cool guy uses women for sex, the only valuable women is a loose one with a size 2 body and fake boobs, and the nerdy guy is the one who wants a relationship. Strong women are harpies and bitches with no souls, fat women smoke pot and eat doughnuts.

So, I date. I look for love through boyfriends. Daddy left me, step daddy was a big jerk idiot pig, who left me- blah blah blah blah.

I marry early with the hope of forever. I make sure forever doesn't happen because I ruin our relationship.

I marry again. I stay with this one almost 20 years. I have babies. But it still amazes me that a man could love deeply and forever. That a man could love Me even though I am size 4-20, depending on the year. That a man could be loyal and adoring. Oh, yes, he promised me...and I started to believe it a little bit.

Then, I felt left. He'd rather hang with the person I called his girlfriend. He wasn't acting as a spouse or father. He might not agree- but I can tell you, this was the breaking point. I could handle fights and disrespect- But he LEFT me in his heart for a while- for HER. So I left.

and now I have a nice decent boyfriend. But I can't always believe it. I sometimes have a hard time seeiing through his younger clubbing years. If he liked watching those skinny big boobed chicks in wet t-shirts, how the hell can I ever compare? and he's made a few stupid comments, that he probably thought innocent, that have stuck in my mind and keep replaying and replaying and replaying (damn stupid comments that make me want to smack him upside the damn head)- is he another one of them? He tells me now he loves me, but will his heart and penis go elsewhere? how can I throw my wholeself into this, when he is just gonna leave anyway? I know men don't love fully- especially grey haired forty year old chunky saggy women. The men I have trusted have taught me that.

oh no- I am not only blaming the pigs in my life. I know it is me, as well. I have lost the optimism I grew in my younger years. My inward dialogue is always negative and wrong. I talk like crap to myself and about the world around me. I wish I could regain my youthful happiness. I wish I could harness that sunbeam I seemed to ride as a child. I know what a pain in the ass I am to those who have to hear this dialogue come out as whines and grumps. So, to the world, I am sorry, and to the men who think Charlie Sheen is cool- double freaking eff you!

words and attitude hurt

2011-11-01T19:56:00.000-07:00

I've noticed how many TV shows have fat jokes on them. and old people jokes, and other unnecessary and unfunny jokes that are solely created for stoopid people. No, not stupid people, stoopid.

I no longer find George Lopez funny. His show is about him being an idiot who treats his family like crap and makes mean jokes. Mean is not necessary. mean is not funny. Tosh does this a lot too. Makes me sad because there's so much funny without mean.

Have you seen kids post "that awkward moment when"? Yes. you can google it, it has it's own webpage. Last week, a facebook friend of a friend posted "that awkward moment when a fat kid says "that's how I roll". Yes, I know, some of you giggled. But- the key is, you might not have intentionally just insulted, hurt, and socially bullied a child who is fat, but you did. You made it acceptable for someone to say this to an actual fat kid, because laughing means it's OK.

How about "that awkward moment when you get ready and think you look hot, then you put your glasses on"?

oh great. Cuz I am chunky and use the term "that's how I roll" all the time. plus I wear glasses. Awkward moments all around, eh?

.....when you see an obese person driving a Honda fit.
(how do you know said large person isn't fit? how do you know they can't kick your ass, or kick your ass in a foot race?)
when your obese friend wins hungry hungry hippos (cuz obese people eat more than you?)
when fat people update their status saying ‘they’re hungry’.( cuz obese people shouldn't eat?)

There are some ways to be funny without being cruel....
when you make a Harry Potter reference and none of the muggles get it
when you’re singing a song and the artist gets the words wrong
when you find out your toys have made three movies behind your back
when you post something before you fini
when you realize that was the droid you are looking for

and there are some that toe the line (tow the line?)
when you look at your man then at the old spice guy then back at your man then back to him and sadly, your man isn’t him.(not that I'd do this- but this humor is smart)
....when you get kicked out the library for putting the bible in the fiction section

I just can't understand why people feel cruel is funny, or why people feel that you need to be cruel to be funny..

Choosing my religion and label

2011-10-10T16:31:00.000-07:00

I've posted about religion before (here). But today spurned my need to post about it again. (First, I'd love to find a cute witchy picture that doesn't include nudity or unrealistic looking women, (including the green and warts ones))

A student asked me about my religion today. (This might not have been what she was intending to ask, because she then told me she was German and Irish, but I had already answered her question). It might be because I am wearing my pentacle again, it might be because these are a new group of kids getting to know me.

I told her that I was "Pagan". I'll also tell people I am a Witch. but that whole thing bugs me if we don't have time to discuss it. because the witch is usually followed by them saying "oh, Wiccan" or "a white witch?"

Lemme 'splain: There are three lines of thought about Wiccanry. They are 1.You have to be in a coven to be a Wiccan, and not a solitary, 2. You have to be in only a lineaged coven, 3. You can be a solitary.

The #2ers claim this because apparently the Lord and lady have names and secret you only learn from a a lineaged coven. the #1ers claim this because apparently only covens know secrets and you need to know secrets to be a true Wiccan. The #3ers claim they can call themselves whatever they want as long as they follow the Wiccan rules which can be easily found online.

I am a solitary. I might or might not follow the rede (I haven't read and digested it all). I don't know any secrets, so I don't even bother with the Wiccan label.

I don't believe in black/white magic. That's labeling a color as good/bad, moral/immoral. It also goes into some deep conversation about ethics and balance. All I know is when I work with magic/energies, it's never directed at anyone without their knowledge, and it's intent is never for harm. I don't even play with love spells and such because I feel they go against these two things.

But, some people also don't thing being a Witch is a religious thing, so they need me to label it Pagan to make them happy. Okay. I'm both, and I'll use both words, depending on the time and place and how much time and energy I have at the moment. But if I were to pick the label, I'd choose Witch, and I'll capitalize the W to denote religion.

and let's not discuss pantheonism or hard and soft pantheonism, that's a whole 'nother post.

healthy/ unhealthy- stop harshing my mellow

2011-10-05T16:02:00.000-07:00

Today is grey and rainy and perfect for stew. But, I am not eating meat, so I just made a veggie stew. Looks good, huh?
It's made with a base broth of onion/mushroom soup mix (checked for no meat- golden mushroom soup has beef fat in it), burgundy wine, rosemary, and sage. I browned garlic, onion, zucchini, and eggplant. While simmering the barley in the broth. I added lentils, turnip, sweet potatoes, and carrots to the barley and cooked until the carrots felt right. I threw green beans in late, and spinach in last. Then topped with the zucchini/eggplant/onion mixture. Oh- and a bit of steamed butternut squash all mixed in.

Nope- this is not a cooking blog, but I can't cook really, I just kind of stew or casserole, and with luck, it tastes fine. Since I don't have a discerning palate, if it doesn't taste wonderful, I add cheese and wahlah!

This post is actually about what went on about a thousand times in the last month.

One month ago, exactly, was the last time I ate meat. I was watching a documentary called "Fat, sick, and nearly dead" with my brother; the documentary was about a guy who decided to get healthy by juicing (more thoughts on that another time). This led me to thinking about when I felt healthiest, and I realized it was when I ate predominately veggies and grains. I was pure veggie for 3 years, but I don't want to go all veggie (more thoughts on that in a minute)*. The decision to eat healthier was solidified by reading both "The Body Sacred", and "Healthy at Every Size", which discuss treating our bodies with love and respect and feeding them well. I had been eating bacon, and sausage often (my favorite meats, yum), and meat was a large part of my diet since moving into this house 3 years ago. I decided to stop that.

* I decided to go meatless for a while. I don't want to say vegetarian because if I choose to have a piece of bacon I don't need to hear about it from the world. I don't think eating meat is a horrible thing, per se. though there are times I have felt guilty about killing an animal(you know, I didn't kill it, but since I ate it, it was killed for me) to eat it (quail- quail made me feel sad because I love watching them hop around my mom's property and that's what I was reminded of while eating one). We are made to be omnivores like hamsters are. However, I think it is better for me and the world when we eat less meat.

So what's the issue? Old Codger (who again argued with me about cold germs digging their way through your feet and into your bloodsteam because I was wearing no socks) keeps asking me why I decided not to eat meat. I keep answering because meat doesn't sound good to me.
I can't say I am going vegetarian. If I eat one piece of bacon in three months 2 things might happen: 1. he will say something about me not following my diet, 2. he will think I've gone all meat again and start trying to feed me his predominately meat diet.
He made a comment that "I won't eat meat, but keep eating all those carbs" I just said YEP.
I can't say I am eating healthier- because he will start harping on carbs, and because if I eat a chocolate he will say "That's not on your diet" to which I will reply "I am not on a diet".
I can't calmly explain what my decision is, and why. I can't explain that the carbs I am eating are whole grains mostly and therefore extremely healthy, but even refined stuff like white rice isn't bad, because food is neither good nor bad- that's a moral/ethical thing and food is neither moral nor ethical within itself. But food can be healthy and less healthy- and if I choose to eat less healthy, my choice. however, for the most part I am choosing more healthy, and am happy with it.
Why can't I explain my decision? this man needs all explanations in five words or less (because that's all he will listen to before getting frustrated). This man won't believe what I am saying anyway, because he has his own ideas and they are always correct (like wearing socks keeps colds away because the germs get through your feet). And- I shouldn't have to explain anyway- I just want to cook my food my way- I just don't want meat- today I am eating this way.
so there.

I am also a bit bothered because most of the decisions I make in life are not based on one person's recommendation, or society's recent whim.. I have tried some whims in the name of thinness- atkins, calorie counting, phentermine. I have thought that thinness was healthy and the end justifies the means. I have abused my body in the name of health. But I was young and impressionable ;).....
When I was vegetarian, I studied why and how. I know what cattle do to the environment. I studied what I needed to eat to get all my protein and minerals, vitamins, etc...
and I have studied my decision now. I am fairly lucky because I didn't need to go through the science to back up the info, someone else did that and published a book on it (Health at every Size).
I know one thing doesn't make you fat. I know body size is affected by many variables. I know body size doesn't show health. I know I can drink wine and eat chocolate without it saying whether I am healthy or not. I know health is a conglomeration of things (including stress- so stop harshing my mellow)
and I know that it has been scientifically proven that colds are not caught through the feet, just like cold viruses are not killed by amoxicillan, and overuse of antibacterial/antivirus gel by school children might be breeding worse germs for me to battle.

Fat, and how I dance with it.

2011-09-11T10:59:00.000-07:00

ah- I'm eating my shoe. I still need my foot. Or maybe, it's I'm eating my hat. Whatever. I was wrong. Misinformed. Misconstrued. Occasionally, Ms. Alanius.

Remember this picture? and remember how I assumed these women were all unhealthy? and remember how I was not that accepting? Even though I am also fat? (yes I am- I know it, fat, not obese, chunky, curvacious, etc, etc). I was one of those people I hate. I probably judged these women, even if only a little bit, I judged. I should go reread that post, since I don't know exactly what I said.

I've had lots of "I'm fat" gripes on here. This summer, I've seemed to come to terms with it (except that one really hot day where my thighs rubbed and I got a rash). Other than that, I feel better about not counting calories, not obsessing, not feeling guilty. I bought clothes that fit and look good on my body (thanks hanes.com for yoga topped pants).

Then, two days ago, I found Dianne Sylvan. She wrote the book "Body Sacred". I am waiting for my library to get it transferred so I can read it. She suggested a website called "Dances with Fat". Both talk about a movement called Healthy at Any Size, and discuss issues and fallacies connected to being fat. I still have to read more into healthy at any size, but what I have read so far has been very inspiring to me to look at my diet.

(Minor digression) My brudder and I just watched a documentary called "Fat, sick, and nearly dying". It's about a guy who lost weight and all his medical issues through juicing. He did a juice fast for 60 days. It has inspired my brudder to juice. It lead me to think about more veggies and way less meat. I've been meatless(and beer/wineless) for 3.5 days.

Why'd I digress? Fat,sick decides that his weight loss and super nutrients are what solved his issues. maybe it wasn't weight loss. maybe weight loss was just a side effect of what looks like a 1,400 calorie a day diet. yes, fat sick looks great, feels great. Maybe that had a lot to do with him eating better- less crap.

That's what Dances with Fat talks about. And she discusses causation/correlation issues with being fat and medical issues. She uses facts and figures, published medical articles, and pure intelligence as proof. She's also a vegan, which amazes me. Here's an article that is worth reading : http://danceswithfat.wordpress.com/2011/08/17/study-fat-people-can-be-healthy/
actually her whole blog is worth reading. (the picture above was on her blog)

Does this mean I'm gonna go all willynilly and eat crap and not worry about gaining weight? Nope. It means I'm going to continue my quest at eating healthy and not worry about weight. So there. I'm not counting calories. I'm not drinking just shakes. I'm not starving. I'm not labeling things as bad. I'm not limiting rice because I love it. I'm not eating Atkins style. I'm making sense of things like I used to- primarily I'm eating foods that make me feel healthy and good. I love veggies, pile them on. Fried, I know isn't great, so I'll eat it only when I neeeeeed it. (same with icecream). I am limiting my meat. But I'm good with that- it doesn't make me feel like I am denying myself when I limit meat.

I almost have the "feel good about myself" thing figured out. Now if I can keep it going, life will be just about perfect.

Say Yes!

2011-09-07T12:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I hopped on a plane and flew from Long beach to San Francisco. Not a big flight- about an hour- and not a lot of money because the kind Jet Blue was having a sale. My brudder picked me up at the airport at about 3. We hopped on down to fisherman’s wharf just to hang out while waiting for a 9 pm concert.

First, we had to find a parking spot, and one that did not cost a zillion dollars. We found one lot labeled “10$ all day”, and pulled in there. The kid “running” the place (that was a proper use of quotation marks) told us that we were oversized and wanted $20.…but then, strangely, he bartered with us until we were back to $10. He was hanging out with a bunch of friends and we questioned if he even worked there, or if he was just taking money as a scam. This was brought up later, when we went back to brudder’s truck, and there was a machine to pay the money to. We will never know.

We walked around pier 39, I’ll have pictures to show you if my phone will let me. We saw sea lions (I LOVE them!), and Alcatraz. We sat down and had a beer. Brudder asked after his first beer from the abrupt waiter, ”What’s a (normally cheap in cost) beer cost compared to (the more expensive one he was drinking)?” Waiter laughed at him and told him people never asked what beer costs at that establishment. Brudder left no tip as we paid for beers.

We then walked on to enjoy a nice Ben and Jerry's ice cream a block away. A few blocks after that, we meandered into a pub and had a nice irish beer. Then walked back and around in circles until we decided on clam chowder in a bread bowl and some delicious iced teas. Oh! and goat cheese with pesto mmm. We still had time to kill so we checked out a warm art museum with photos by Rodney Lough (breathtaking).

Finally We headed toward the concert, which took place in a fairly famous bar (The Bottom of the Hill). But first we stopped at Ross and PetCo to look around (grin). We watched a celloist band, then a band called "Wild Pack of Canaries" (I must download them), and finally the band we came to see, Avi Buffalo.

see the cute girl in stripes? My brudder was her fourth grade teacher. The band was great to see, and I really enjoyed myself. As I always do with my brother.

But this blog isn't about my day- this blog is about seizing the moment and doing something- saying yes for once. Some people don't agree with this, but then, a lot of people don't seem to respect any choices I have made for myself.

(just erased a large paragraph about people weighing and judging and their lack of respect and love for humans and mothers. Just erased a huge tirade that makes me want to kick capitalist testicles. Just erased a huge amount of anger basically saying that you can't tell me that your cross is heavier than mine because you haven't carried mine and never will. Just erased the summary of why I hate most people and will continue to hate them)

Anyway- for so many years I was an at home mom. In a family that didn't have a lot of money to spend, and with a husband who worked a lot of hours to support said family, so I didn't feel like I had a right to expect him to care for the kids. So I rarely went anywhere. I rarely said yes to anything. I spent my legal drinking years with babies, and we'd go out, yes, usually with a baby in tow, but it wasn't the same thing kids experience when they are young and unfettered.

I'd go once a year to a musical with Tricia. Or that one time I went to the Marriot for her bachelorette party weekend. But usually I said "no" to stuff. I'd hunker down. I'd try to be frugal. I didn't experience much but the local restaurant/bar. And that was good for me.

What wasn't good for me was that I'd stay home instead of visiting. I missed out on social connections. I missed out on enjoying life. I lost my magic that way.

For a year I had vowed to say yes to everything I could. My kids were about 12 and 7. We went to amusement parks. We rode coasters I'd been afraid to try. I went to all my friends' get-togethers. I planned more than one thing to do some days even!

This brightened my life. I felt good, I felt healthy. I need human contact even though I am a hermit.

So, I could decide that I want to work all summer. I could get some part time job if one were available (big IF). I could stay at home and say no to going to my mom's and going places with my bro- but I realize something. I realize that I need this for my soul. I need this for my magic. I NEED this. and that should be enough for you.

T-shirts with saying (Idiot detectors)

2011-08-31T12:31:00.000-07:00

I was lucky enough to work the motorcycle swap meet again this weekend. It's the same place I met King Ping Pong (remember him?) Mom, this is why I was up at 3 am.

The motorcycle swap meet is full of colorful fellas and gals. I was blessed with their wit and humor. Especially on their t-shirts.

"If it has tits or wheels, sooner or later you got problems"

Suddenly I wanted to catch that man and take him home to my mommy! I mean, look at what he showed on his t-shirt. He showed that his vocabulary is multifaceted- I mean, breasts would not have been proper for that shirt, eh? but, tits, now that's a great word. He also showed that he values women as much as he values his auto.

So many shirts! So many showing exactly what people wanted to portray as their true selves. The guys with words like bitch and tits on theirs- yeah, ladies love them. I love them. Why? Because they just gave me a nice hint to stay the heck away from them.

Is this really what you want people to think of you? Remember, clothing is the first thing people see, your first impression. When I am teaching, I try to dress comfortable but professional looking. When I am out and about, I am more of a cute tank and skirt or sundress girl. I tried the sexy pants and heels- it so wasn't me (my sexy look feels like I'd look when constipated- no, I will not take pictures of both to compare).

Is this what you want people to think of you (or your mom, sister, daughter, girlfriend, wife?)

Is this the man you'd want your daughter, mom, sister to date?

Is this the man/woman you want to spend your life with?

Oh yeah- a real chick magnet.

just, ew

Oh, yeah, now I wanna jump on you.

No, you are right- not all t-shirt sayings are bad. I bought a great one for Tricia's God complexed husband that read "we will get along better when you worship me" or something like that. He wears it around family and they all agree it fits him well.

and these are way too cute:

For the expecting ladies:

and this is sooooo true :)

I for one do not wear t-shirts. They make me look like I have a beachball for a head. But if I did, I'd surely censure what they had to say or tape their little fabric-ky mouths shut.

Meanderings with Mom

2011-08-11T15:17:00.000-07:00

Mom and I decided to follow the Sprague River, we were looking for a spot where it meets the Williamson. We stopped first near the little highschool in town. (town being Chiloquin, population 700)

Some of you hate this particular plant, you are thinking weed...all I see is wishes, and not any wishes, but

HUGE wishes!

I Lichen you <3

(Did you know it came in orange as well as green? I didn't)

Our second stop was a slippery slope, where the lichen picture came from. We really wanted to get closer to the water. Here we stopped to see an abandoned logging factory. The No trespassing sign was nearly unreadable: that counts, right?

I have a thing for feisty thistle.

Tough but pretty.

What's the lady taking a picture of? She's been doing yogic positions to get the picture. The lady is my ever-beautiful and funny Mommy with a capital M.

Handsome here. He's been posing for like a half hour for us.

I love love aspen. They quiver like an overexcited puppy.

I found a new house for us HONEY!!! It has a fireplace and everything.

It has a guest house.

a pump house with access to the river, and I am assuming water rights.

Here's the river.

and it's for sale! great news...It appears it's been for sale for a while.

The view across the street- who wouldn't want to live here?

I'll post my alone meanderings around mommy's yard tomorrow.

Imaginary wedding- carnival

2011-08-10T12:24:00.000-07:00

Marasca photography

So, the sweet theme led me to carnival. Primarily because I really like the mustaches you can find on esty. And also because Carnivals have sweets and soooo much more. Carnival- like the fair and/or circus, not the naked people parading in Brazil. All these pictures were taken from Esty dealers, the name of the store is under the picture.

Carnivals have been represented by red stripes and blue accents often. Who said you had to stick with these colors? Look at the above picture- why not use those colors? or just pick two or three. My man loves lime green, I love bright orange. add some yellow or pink or turquoise, or all.

Lemonademoments

what a great invite!

zany

for seating cards

Oriental trading

It's probably cheap paper- but why couldn't this be copied with 4 wooden frames? great centerpiece and table number idea

Plastercrafts.com

way expensive, and needs to be painted- but another cute centerpiece idea!

Loveleesoaps

Gifts? they are soap! and animal crackers!

Lavenderlimedesigns

This is an extremely low priced print your own box for favors, too cute. You could also use them at your candy bar- there has to still be a sweet treat buffet!

I didn't get this seller's name- but too cute. and why couldn't you name your tables "the strong man" "tattooed lady" "flying trapeze"?

Yummy cookies

Heyyoyo

There has to be popcorn! It's a staple at carnivals.

Heyyoyo

Straws- but you can leave one side blank for people to put their name- no more lost drinks!

gemsbyjeffandme

It's soap! and a perfect gift for guests. can you picture of these at each seat?

Funnysideoflife

For a photobooth- oh yes, there will have to be a photobooth!

Embellishedpaper

Replies? "I'll be there with bells on", "I won't be there, I heard there are bells"

Dimpleprints

more decor!

Of course, there is still a chance for frilly dresses in frothy colors, or we could go steampunk and wear corsets and other carnival finery.

Food would have to be fair food (on a stick). Hot dogs, corn dogs, popcorn, big pretzels, pizza on a stick, beer. Maybe an In-n-out truck would be perfect. mmmmm In n out. haven't had In n out burgers? Get to the US immediately and eat one- because you are not truly living!

You can rent cotton candy machines, sno cone machines, keep pretzels hot machines....and I bet they have a keep ice cream cold machine. ice cream!

Imaginary Wedding- Sweet theme

2011-08-09T12:01:00.000-07:00

Gosh, I spend a lot of time in dream land. I used to throw parties so that I could get this creativity out, but since I don't have my own house, or tons of friends who will tolerate an "alice in wonderland tea just so I could decorate party", I make them up in my head. My current fixation is fun weddings- by current, I mean for 2 years now.

My initial thought had lots of greens and oranges and fairy fern and twinkly

lights and rocks that said "you rock my world".

But then, who can limit it to just two colors? So I thought- how about a "How sweet it is..." wedding? With lollipops, and a candy bar, and cookies, and all colors of the rainbow. I would want cupcakes, of course- the

y are way better than cake because you don't need a fork.

and look- you can make little stands for each cupcake for under a buck!

The bridesmaids could carry suckers instead od stupid ol' allergy inducing flowers.

Pots of pops! and jars of jellies!

Napkin rings/ favors

centerpieces/ table numbers

Invites!

Table treats/ place cards

This lends a possibility to sweet and frilly dresses, and should be arranged close to a candy eating holiday (like Valentine's Day) for nummy cheap candy.

But, then I got bored with that concept and moved on to another theme. I'll post that tomorrow.

Choosing a Partner

2011-08-08T15:04:00.000-07:00

I was talking to a friend the other day about boyfriends- it was all good talk, OK, honey? But we were talking about how if we had pictured the "perfect man" for ourselves, like we did in our teen years, we would have missed the wonderful people we are with.

If we said we only wanted Val Kilmer (in real genius), with Bill Gates' money, that dude from the old spice commercials' suaveness, and the attentiveness of a cute puppy, then we'd be severely limiting ourselves to a man that doesn't exist.

She, my friend, says she knows a girl who did this! Limited herself, but via email as well. She sent me proof......

(As Promised) Need your help in filling a position

I know this is off-topic, but I need your help in filling a position...in my life. This is a networking & business opportunity. I hope one of my professional colleagues can help find my soulmate. IF YOUR INTRODUCTION LEADS TO MARRIAGE, I'LL GIVE YOU $500.

While the info I provide is a guideline, some is definite. (Remember these are MY qualifications, & opinions, while appreciated, aren't necessary here.. We all have our reasons.) I'm looking for my best friend, someone to learn from & grow w/every day...someone who's as outgoing, successful, confident (not cocky), caring, ambitious, generous, responsible, ethical, hard-working, dependable, non-judgmental & family-oriented as I am. I'm attracted to men w/dark hair & (preferably) blue/green eyes, who look young, Jewish, 34-42, 5'6"+, American/Caucasian, handsome/cute (Look like Kyle Chandler, Brendan Fraser, Paul Rudd or Dr. Shephard ("Lost")? Ok, they're on TV, but a girl can dream); someone who's cool under pressure, NOT into the clubs/bars or a thrill-seeker, likes to travel, is comfortable meeting new people, has good manners (please!), a great sense of style & humor, & most important, wants to be friends first. Know how to have an intelligent, logical & challenging conversation (or disagreement), but don't talk to hear yourself talk.. Be open-minded & know how to give/take constructive criticism. No one is perfect. PLEASE believe smaller gestures mean more than grand ones. MUST have AT LEAST a college degree!

TURNOFFS: Bald heads, long hair, tattoos, body piercings, illegal drugs, smokers, long-winded talkers, players, inconsiderate people, push-overs, control freaks, teachers, too much body hair, F/T musicians, & hard core Republicans. Please, no kids; I want my own.

Synagogue: High Holidays, Sometimes
Kosher: Not
Drinking: Never, Socially
Body Type: Average - A few extra lbs.
Income: $75,000+

Please tell me about yourself w/photos. I'll share my website w/MUCH more about me (& you).

Thanks.

I can understand some of it- like it would be odd for an Amish person to marry a Satanist. But then I know a lot of Witches who married Christians and are just fine. Also, Jews and Christians have found a way to live happily. I guess it's priorities.

My priority was to find someone decent who would treat me with love and respect. It was just a bonus that I found him sexy and utterly adorable.

This week's thoughts on D----bags

2011-07-27T12:02:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know it has been months. MONTHS. I've been feeling uninspired. about everything. Then I get inspired, buy all the stuff I need for that inspiration, and peter out within a few days. But this week's thoughts stuck in my head.

I really should just title this "what the?". You know the last word is heck. Cussing is bad.

So, Men give men a bad name. I have a hard time having faith in the male population and I know it's not good. Look at Charlie Sheen. He thinks womanizing and being an ass are both cool. Or the movies out that were most likely written by men that give boys a hall pass to cheat on their wife or a way to sleep with a girl and not be emotionally accountable (I know they probably end with a lesson but these are the premises of the movies). All of Hollywood depicts commitment as a wimpy thing to do, and cheers on the bad boys. A lot of men I meet agree with that. They aren't gonna get "tied down", or heaven forbid, sleep with only one woman for the rest of their lives! They are beholden to none, the lone wolf.

It's hard to believe that a man would want love and commitment once you talk to soooo many of these guys.

Then, I talk to the king of these men this past weekend. And I want to punch him in the head. Just to shut him up, of course, not to injure him. We were at a swap meet for motorcycles and such- a real man's swap meet. Some guy (50ish, beer belly, wearing a tshirt with some stupid sentence on it) was talking about his sport (pingpong). I was discussing men and women with the neighbor (booth), and King Ping Pong had to butt in. Oh yeah, he's a real ladies' man. He treats them like shit and they crawl back to him. We should all be impressed.

I came up with warning signs for such a d-----bag.

1. He dropped names like he knew them. Some of these d-bags use celebrity names, others use places, like the Ritz, this guy used his military career and where he was stationed.

2. He shortened those names to initials, but then expanded them so we could know what he was talking about. Like, So, Chuck and I were eating a dog the other day, Chuck, you know, Charlie Sheen... But this guy did it with PI an Phillipian Islands.(sp)

3. They talk about socially unacceptable things like we all accept them. Some make comments about other races, some make comments about religion, some make comments about the president. They all follow it with a laugh like I should be laughing with them. Until I say, I am an unbiased democrat witch. This dude talked about hiring a prostitute like all guys do it with ease.

4.They are all invariably heartless. It goes along with #3. is it ok to make fun of someone because they are mentally handicapped? or because they are from Iraq? or because they are Black? or because they are a Woman? They , the d-bags, tell us tales about what they did to these people. Apparently, King Ping Pong would throw money at the prepubescent girls forced into prostitution in the PI. The money would fall into the disgusting poop filled river and the girls would have their toddler brothers swimming in the poop to save the money so they might eat that night. Ha, effin Ha.

5. They consider women as something to use and throw away. But not all women. they must be a specific height and weight to be with King d-bag. Heaven forbid they get a gut like he was carrying, or a wrinkle, or an opinion.

Ok- I know all men are not like that King PingPong D-bag. I am sure there are a few winners out there. A few who love and value their wives, girlfriends, children, mothers, etc. A few who think that commitment, marriage, love, and emotions are good things. I am sure there are some that are incognito as well- feeling it in their hearts but not saying it out loud because someone might consider them wimps. BUT MAN! say it- because the loud obnoxious d-bags are the ones that are representing mankind.

Emotions go awry

2011-06-10T07:29:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling way emotional. It could be partially because I am getting sick. It could also be because I've been working with sixth graders all week and I am exhausted. It could also be that crap is going on in my life again. as usual.
My kids abandoned me. dumped me. Dropped me on facebook without a word. It hurts. I'm devastated. I'm angry.
I'm not a happy camper.

My mom writes this in her blog yesterday
"In the past couple of weeks, two friends have died suddenly. Alone, with no one to hold them as they took their last breaths. One of them had died some time before he was found. Alone. With no one to grasp his outstretched hand, reaching for warmth, for that last evidence of being important to someone. Reaching, but grasping nothing. No one there to share with, no one there to say “I care”."

and I think- "I'm going to die alone!"

I'm already freaked out about the uncertainty of life. I have a job, but not a career as yet. California's budget doesn't promise me a career anytime soon. I live in a home that might not be here for me forever. I feel like a 39 yr old loser.

I adore my boyfriend. I could see a happily ever after with him, I can see him as a friend and partner.
He loves me. He tells me he'll love me forever. He means that. We've both had loves and heartbreaks and know that love goes on forever. But relationships don't.
So he can't promise me anything.
That's sad.
He won't lie to me. That's good. He won't promise to be with me forever because he doesn't trust that it will happen. Life screws things up. His life is as uncertain as mine.
But I kinda want a promise. I want to feel secure that I won't die alone. That I have a rock and a safe harbor. An anchor. and other boating references.

dumb, huh? Childish and clingy. That he's here now should be enough. That I am fabulous all by myself should be enough.

Good things- You know, beside Me

2011-05-27T05:00:00.000-07:00

I went on a walk the other night. Outside. Alone. Usually I would take a dog or walk on a treadmill at the gym while watching TV. this time I went out without anything just so I could think. After about an hour of a bitchfest in my head, I decided to sit down and think about things that have made me happy, and that make me smile when I think back on them. Things untainted by life or the people sharing the experience.
Sometimes that happens, you know? Like a beautiful trip to Jamaica could be tainted in memory because you shared it with people/ person who now make your skin crawl. Or the wedding pictures from the happiest day of your life are now unviewable because 'of him'.

What makes me smile and remains untainted (though oddly some of these should be tainted by recent and not-so recent events, but are not)

Kittens. Anything kitten. Any kitten I have known and loved (some I disappointed as an owner when I left ex and they ran away- but the times with them are still the best) (except when lily doesn't love me)

The beach at night. But only with a warm jacket. I can hear the waves now.

Dancing in the desert- alone- under the full moon. I can smell the sage, feel the breeze.

Feeling a loved ones arms around you and knowing everything is OK.

My mom's porch. Whether it is just with her, with my bro, or with others. Game night, or a glass of wine, or a cup of coffee. When I die, heaven will be my mom's porch.

Odell Butte.
The whole darn Butt trip my brother and I took.

Driving to my mommy's. My brother in the driver's seat, the radio tuned to out ipods (This American Life podcast), windows open, my barefeet on the dashboard. We bought black licorice crows candy- even though they are really green- Geoff wanted some so I dumped them into his cup that had ice in it. We decided we liked them on ice better. We hardly listened to the podcast because we had so much to share. real conversations are so rare in my life, but with my mom and bro, we always talk.

Tobin running around with a Coors Light box on his head. Nolan and Grayson following. The boxes' finger holes are eyes slits and the boys looked like a redneck buzz lightyear. Lany was buck naked probably covered in dirt and bugbites.

Texas, family, feet in the pool, margarita in hand, pipe in mouth, kids running around, and chickens eating popcorn off the porch.

Getting my education- I grumped about those nights at school sometimes, but I'd do it all over again in a minute.

Red cups, margarita machines, and my adopted family trying to play some trivia game. One of them yelling out HORSEFISH instead of seahorse.

Fireworks. The sparkly tinkerbell ones. The ones in your head when you are full of ideas. The ones in your heart when you are kissed.

Pretty pictures

2011-05-26T05:00:00.000-07:00

and some not so pretty.....
I got a few new tattoos. One is an orobouros- (a snake eating her tail) but in a triple loop knot. The picture is incomplete because i added a spiral and a few dots to balance her between my uneven boobicles-

The second is a troll cross- to keep trolls away. Someday I want to research when trolls stopped being thought of as kind (they built churches with my ancestors) and started being thought of as mean and ogre-y. Was it that one troll who got cranky and attacked the billy goats Gruff that did it?I'm going to get my back touched up next (I have the triple moon and a pent in the middle) I need to decide colors for shading.

Someone gave me these for Bruumie:

I made this for a friend. It's from John Murphy's "Invasion of the plush monsters" and it's a purse!

I went to a gem faire near my home- this was only one table of hundreds. I bought myself some gifts because it was on Mother's day.

This is what I bought: Clockwise- there is a little lion/dragon/dog in the box at 12 o'clock. he's been glued to Bruumie to protect her from bad guys and bad vibes.
1 oclock- green turquoise earrings. Orange quartz (in a bag).Two necklaces- one green turquoise and one crystal (citrine?)- the silver parts come off to clip onto other necklaces! (each piece was only 3 bucks).Then a green/purple flourite point/ wand. Selenite wand. Green turquoise ring. and I think, citrine, crystal ball.

And- my 18 year old's foot- after surgery and 20 pins. He broke both ankle bones and a small bone in his foot. You know how fingers have 3 bendable parts? so do toes have 3 rows of bones (tarsals)- the third row had one broken in half that won't heal without surgery. Motorcycle (dirtbike) injury. He and his sister went riding instead of school, I believe, and he hit a bump or something and crashed. he was wearing full gear- even motorcycle boots.The surgeon must be related to Dr. Frankenstein.

dirty laundry- Imma airin' it

2011-05-25T12:33:00.000-07:00

I've had some fabulous posts running in my head for brief bursts these last few weeks. I've been a bit moody (who me?) and I little in need of a vacation from life. The people I live with will just ruin a good drunk, so that vacational trip is a no-no.

So, I'm gonna bitch to you. Then, I'll turn around an post a second and a third entry to magically appear tomorrow that are less bitchy and more good clean laundry.

My main bitch? OK- two bitches are my top one, they tied- but this one is more important. I have a family member who is sick. Lots of issues, all stemming from the big C. This member prefers to remain anonymous, I am sure, so I'll call this person "MD". MD is new in my life- though not new to this world. New as in the last 20 years (which is half my life). I really like and love MD and appreciate all MD has done with the rest of my family. MD is stubborn as hell, though. Worse than a grass/blood stain on white shorts. MD won't go for a long time and will go kicking and screaming. But the fact that MD will go someday (as well as other people I love) breaks my heart. and the fact that MD is not feeling all that great now, and has to take meds and such that make a person feel crappier is making me ache to do something to make everything better. MD is too far away to hug.

My co-main bitch? My kids. Man, all those years I raised them, as an at home mom, trying to instill the importance of love and peace and family.............and not lying, living up to what you promised, to responsibilities, learning to balance.
Backstory- you probably already know it but, ~ I left the kids' dad. I got a new boyfriend. It's been 2 1/2 years and things are still shaky with the kids. They stayed with their dad. They all moved 3 states away (too far on a scooter), about 6 months ago. The ex and I go through a cycle of friendship to I've pissed him off somehow so he is rude to me. The kids and I talk mostly as if we are acquaintances. For mother's day I got a text. + for 10 years now (or more) the kids and I have taken an annual trip to grandma's in Oregon, along with their uncle. Last year they went for a very short time, but they went.
Now- My son promised as he left to in January that he'd be at Grandma's this summer. PROMISED. But it is so easy to dis your mom via email/text/ fb message. I can't force them to go. I'm already the bad and evil mom that they don't have to love or respect. My mother gets the side effects of this as she is genetically linked to me, as does my brother.
Obviously, nothing I do will repair this relationship. Nothing I have said or done while raising them made any difference. I know teen-agers are apt to be self centered, but proper parenting should negate that a bit. Obviously, it has to be via both parents who are in the home. OH_ It's all so obvious! yet i put my heart out there again and again to be stomped. I'm thinking I need to take my heart back. But that would just make me really the bad mother, wouldn't it? They could then be telling the truth when they claimed mommy wrote them off when they were teens, abandoned them, etc....... Do I sacrifice myself just in order to claim I was a good mother?

There are days SBF and I butt heads. There are days nothing I say is right. There are days he wants to change me and control me. and that isn't cool at all. There are days I wanna chill with wine, but wine means I am an alcoholic. Wine makes me surly, apparently. Maybe it does- but not without provocation. OH those days- did Cinderella have those days in her happily ever after? How do we know this is our happily ever after?

My scooter is acting surly herself. She's got about 6,000 miles on her. She needs an oil change. She's cranky. I found a scooter place near here- When payday rolls around, or perhaps after my summer job ends, I'll go on down there with her and see if they can make her better or if I need to retire her.

But- my cursor is acting nice right now. Knock on wood.

Niceness

2011-05-17T12:35:00.000-07:00

Niceness is a lost art form. as well as patience and communication. Sexy Boyfriend owns his own business. A large part of it is sending parts via phone or computer orders. These parts are often special ordered through a warehouse and mailed via UPS. So a lot of the orders' timeliness and state of arrival depends on outside sources. This sucks for boyfriend because he gets the flack.

Lemme tell you about recent orders: One man called to order 4 wheels and tires. He wanted to pay but couldn't get his credit card to work. He and SBF worked for a long while on getting the man just what he wanted. (SBF spends a lot of time on the phone with customers). SBF asked the man to pay through paypal. It's one of the easiest and safest ways to pay. He also like paypal better than dealing witht he credit card companies. Man grumped. He didn't want to use paypal. SBF said that man could easily use paypal without actually signing up for paypal. It is an option. Man yelled. Man in sisted he knew how it worked. Man grumped paypal had stolen money from him (this is a sign that man had a bad business deal in the past). Man kept yelling and pushing so SBF told man that was his only choice. Too bad so sad. Man tol,d SBF that SBF just lost a customer. Man then went online and purchased online from SBF for more money. I believe he had to pay through paypal too- but I could be wrong. Man's products were ordered against SBF's better judgement and sent to man. The box the products were in was smushed and products had a tiny ding in one of the four. Man grumped to SBF demanding $100 bucks off order. SBF, although it was UPS's fault, offered to trade the product for a new shiny one. SBF called the wheel and tire people, had a new one sent out (New one was then charged to SBF so SBF is now out money) as well as a call tag to return the dented product. Man calls SBF- he says he has no time to return dented product, though he will keep the new one anyway, and still wants money back!!!!!
I call this stealing. If I trade you the old dented product for a new shiny one and you keep both although you only bought one- you just stole from me. SBF has no way to fight this- no way to police this issue. Big auctioning companies online only allow you to rate seller- not customer.

Woman orders from online a pair of bicycle grips. SBF has 400 products online and tries to keep them updated but sometimes things slip through- like this one. Woman pays $16. SBF writes woman- "I'm sorry, those grips are backordered fromt he supplier- Do you want your $back, to order a different pair, or to wait?". No answer from woman. Woman complains to ebay so SBF has a strike against him. Woman writes SBF a letter "You are a liar and a cheat. I hope you live a crappy life. You suck"- or something very very much like this. (REALLY). SBF writes woman "I'm sorry for the misunderstanding. I hope you have a nice day"...Woman writes back- "see you are a liar and a jerk" kind of letter.

What is happening to this world?People are way too spoiled and retribution happy!If you have a problem with a comapny, why can't people call the company and politely explain what they need before they go all crazy and punsihment wild? And why the yelling and name calling? and why expect more than you paid for? free stuff?

SBF is a sole owner of a company. The money the company loses comes from his pocket and depletes my friday night margaritas. He is also fair and worries about his reputation. If something goes out of his shop wrong or damaged, even if it is the manufacturer or shipping comapny who is at fault, SBF will do everything he can to make the customer happy. He will do everything he can to fix the problem.

But so many people do not let him. They just react. and the react harshly! Bullies! It's so easy to be a bully via internet, email, and phone, isn't it?

I bought a bag of waterballoons the other day. 6 of them were stuck together and unusable. I did not call the company and threaten to sue. If it were really important, I would have asked the store if I could have my money back or trade them for new ones. If I got $ back- I would not have requested more than I paid for them. If I traded for new ones, I would have not kept the old ones.
I went to the grocery store looking for booberry cereal. The store did not have any. I did not write them a nasty letter and tell them they deserved to live a crappy life. I did not call the better business bureau. I did not threaten to never go there again.

Patience, kindness, compassion- all of these are necessary to live together in harmony. All of these things are so rarely honed these days.

I'm juyst saying I am glad I am a sub. I don't have to deal with big mean people.

I'm gonna throw this computer out da window

2011-05-07T20:05:00.000-07:00

here's another reason I haven't been writing a lot- especially on facebook- my dumb cursor keeps thinking for itself- I mentioned how it sticks a word in the middle of another word, much like a turducken.
and I can't get on Igoogle anymore. and on google, my blogger doesn't show.
this netbook or my internet is playing with me to make me crazy. right now it tried to put playing in the middle of cursor
here's another reason I haven't been writing a lot- especially on facebook- my dumb cursor keeps thinking for itself- I mentioned how it sticks a word in the middle of another word, much like a turducken.
and I can't get on Igoogle anymore. and on google, my blogger doesn't show.
this netbook or my internet is playing with me to make me crazy. right now it tried to put "playing" in the middle of "cursor"
lemme type a paragraph and leave it like the cursor left it:
dog. The dog just sat there even though a be the Fox smelled good and not fox like.ping over him. crazy huh? the dog should have totally tried to catch the fox but he didn't. Maybe he was old, or blind. or couldn't smell the fo. Mayfox was jum
The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy

see what I mean? It should have said:
The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog. the dog just sat there even though the the fox was jumping over him. Crazy, huh? The dog should have totally tried to catch the fox but he didn't. Maybe he was old or blind or couldn't smell the fox. Maybe the fox smelled good and not foxlike.

how can I write when my cursor is trying to make me insane?

weekly update

2011-05-03T13:08:00.000-07:00

I tried to get on yesterday to post a quote from Martin Luther King Junior about not celebrating the death (murder) of even your enemies- but google and blogger have been acting wonky on my home computer as of late. That and my ever moving cursor makes computering difficult.

So, Today, I am in a classroom about a block from the beach. It is sunny and hot here. I am trying not to get the urge to run down the street when I am supposed to be working. It's lunch break, so this is allowed.

Last week's post about my good friend and mentor, David, was pretty fun for me (Lisa pointed out I was a bit passive aggressive- and it prompted me to think about other times in my life- I am! I am also really good at pointing the finger at p/a people and ignoring that I am as well at times- It was good thinking for me). I do have to give the dude credit, though. He's right about calories in/calories out- and also about getting moving. He doesn't know me, or you, or any of our extraneous circumstances, though, and he sure doesn't know how to be nice or tactful. and- I still wouldn't go out with him if he tried to pick me up in a club when I was at my fittest.

Funny thing is, I had been making changes already to my lifestyle. I had already joined a gym. I have a trainer for a few sessions. I had been watching my calories for weeks. I try to stick around 1300 a day but I think that may still be too much for me for weight loss.

He doesn't know my (or your) basal metabolism. He doesn't know my allergies or how my body processes carbs/protiens/fats. He didn't check my medical chart to see that I am missing a gall bladder and that I am hitting 40 soon. Or that I suspect I might be starting perimenopause.

This is why generalizations don't always work.

But- I am feeling good- sore, achy, and some days I can't move my quadriceps, but good. It's warmer so lighter foods appeal to me anyway. And I have realized a lot of this feeling sorry for myself and motivation to lose weight is not [only] about health. I'm vain. I want to look good in a bikini. I want to be the best looking me I can be. I said it. I have a flaw. (wink).

How's your May been so far?

A man's opinion- a real man's comment on my blog

2011-04-26T19:43:00.000-07:00

I was gonna post a comment about the word "just", or a pick of my new tattoos, or some other wonderful happy witty tidbits, but we will have to do that tomorrow. Today I am going to review a comment that was placed on an extremely old post of mine- I just found it in my moderation box today- he commented last week.

" i dont know how i stumbled on your blog, o yea i was googling extremly obese ppl and that pic came up. Look you are clearly obsessed with your weight and about being fat. Btw you are fat not really obese but yes you are noticably overwieght. as a man if i saw you in a club i would quickly pass you up. My point is since your clearly obsessed with being thin then just do it. Go to the gym, exercise, restrict your diet to less calories in than out. What will statistically happen is you may start a diet and exercise plan then most likely will quit shortly after that. (its why gysm give away so many 2 week and 1 month trials) i hope you do start but odds or most of you who read this wont even start exerciseing. Anyway just do it. GO! stop blaming niptuck and hollywood and plastic surgeons. they didnt make you fat you made yourself fat through your actions (or inaction). You just sound really childish and unappealing to men. take my advice. And most women read this blog so they can feel alittle better about their own bodies but they are all wasting time that could be spent at the gym. I know, i usta be 272 pounds, now im down to 160. losing weight was by far the hardest thing i have ever done ever. but in retrospect it was totally worht it. I mean i am really hot now. and i feel great too."

MY REPLY~
Dear David (his name), I am so glad you found my blog and felt free enough to express your opinion. I am also glad that you felt strong enough to generalize me and "how I am" by merely reading a partof the blog that I use to get out my frustrations. I especially love that you feel I am petty and childish, and that you think I am a big fat quitter or lazy. I am tantalized that you spend time looking up pictures of obese people. I will cry at nights about you, or someone as fabulous and hot as you, passing me up at the clubs that I don't go to. I really love how you read all my posts and looked for the deeper meanings, especially the ones about TV shows that glorify the emaciated body. I adore how you think so highly of yourself that you don't bother to capitalize I. I am sure my friends, my readers, love how you clumped them all into the fat lazy category, too. They will also appreciate your stunning wisdom on how going to the gym and counting calories will automatically make everyone thin and hot. Or how you linked thin to hot (thus perpetuating the whole point I was making).
and oh, dear David, the man who keeps his profile hidden even though he carries such wisdom and sage advice, I would pass you up at the club merely because you are an ass.
Love, the girl who doesn't give an eff what you think.

Men - humph

2011-04-20T19:54:00.000-07:00

BF was telling the old codger and I about a friend of ours- apparently he's gonna be a daddy (the friend- not BF or codger). The friend looks like 14 yr old boy, so it makes me giggle that he actually had s-e-x. Oh dear.
Anyway- what are the normal questions one should ask when finding out this info? Who's the girl? Have you met her? are they happy? do they have jobs?
What does old codger ask? "Is she good looking?"-
oh Gawd.
Define good looking. Define it, old man, to this pmsing bloated woman who has cut calories to no avail. To a woman who has heard things like "Kirstie Ally is a good dancer but she's fat now- she dances good FOR A FAT GIRL" or- "man she has a pretty face, too bad her legs are thick".
Hey- have you looked in the mirror lately? and your personality ain't winning any points either. Neither is your grammar (ain't).
I'm sick of feeling like shit because society tells me that I have to be thin to be attractive. yes, i understand that both my weight and my attitude are my own responsibility- but quite frankly, I suck at both- especially when I am pmsing, and when beer is nummy.
I'm sick of friends who post pictures of starving models with enhanced boobs on their facebook pages. sheesh. If they are healthy and have a brain- go for it- brains are sexy. So are firemen who save kittens. Or librarians. Or teachers *
and now- I'm supposed to slip into a bathing suit. Luckily, I still love my Marilyn Monroe one piece I bought last year, with rouching, a halter top, and suck in the baby tummy panties.

OOFTA!

2011-04-19T16:35:00.000-07:00

I'm looking for words that mean 'Oh dear" or something like that. OOFTA, my mother says, is similar to OH dear in Norwegian. I also have Oy Vey (yiddish), Dagnabbit(Old man), Hijole (spanish) and AY ya-aye ya-aye (who knows). Someone said Acht du liebe , though translated to 8 you love, meant something like oy vey. What do you say? What did you parents say? what, my multinational friends, are some other ways of saying this?

My poor poor mommy

2011-04-15T16:21:00.000-07:00

New editor wasn't letting me post- it just kept spinning and spinning like a neurotic hamster!
Speaking of hamsters, this is my Ruby Dooby Doo

Any how, the title, my poor poor mommy was something I realized yesterday- my mommy is so patient. A few times a month, I stop by the grocery store on the way home from work with no idea what I need to make that I have in my mind- Yesterday, for example, I decided I wanted to make a no bake pie. I called her to get her recipe for her yogurt/cool whip pie. She read that and a few other recipes to me, then I decided I was going a whole 'nother way with pudding and nanners.
Last month, I called and asked "what am I having for dinner?"
before that I pondered via phone with her "how am I fixing my chicken"
and a year ago "what kind of wine do I like?"

see? and yet she stills answers her phone when it rings at 3;30- You'd think she'd figured out that that is when I am in the grocery store!

Control

2011-04-14T11:27:00.000-07:00

I'd post a pic of my Troll cross tattoo for this entry, but I am at work and have no access to pictures of any kind. The school district I work for apparently monitors what people are doing on their computers- even teachers. The teacher I am working for today left explicit instructions that I only use the class computers designated for students, and I only use them at lunch if I even need them. Yeah- wasn't gonna hop on the computer when I am supposed to be working. Apparently she had a sub at one time looking up sporting goods prices while he was supposed to be monitoring students (moniter? ack). I hope they just misunderstood and he was actually checking this stuff between classes- because that is just wrong and creates an unhealthy environment for the next sub who is not closely watched and limited.

I can understand her request not to use her computer, though. It's hers, and it's personal. Just like her desk drawers and cupboards (I only go through them if I can't readily find things I need like bandaid or a pass to the nurse's office.
I can even understand her request that I don't steal her pencils and pens. Or that I clean up the classroom before I leave. and emopty the trash. All this I do anyway usually. Stealing is bad and mommy taught me to leave things better than I found them.

But....she instructed me, I quote, "Do not read sub plans to the students". What? There are times I have kids go "Ms.Whosawhatits doesn't make us do that- and I read them what their teacher wrote that usually says "do that". Or if I don't understand, "do chapter 3 in the Crash book and make sure you SLANT". I have to read it to the kids so they can translate it into English- Crash is a novel and slant is an acronym for Sit-up, Listen, Ask/answer, nod/notes, Track. I should have the right to read sub plans if I choose. I won't read the part where she tells me that this class is difficult, or that Juan is attention-challenged. If she doesn't want it to be read, if it can't be said aloud, don't write it!

Of course, then there were various other demands that I already knew but no feel less inclined to do them because they sounded like orders and not requests. I am paid to be here and teach the kids from 7:30-3:00, I am not paid to crawl on the floor and get paper scraps, etc- But I do because I care. I care less when you have a slightly trollish personality though.

A rose by any other name- might be mispronounced

2011-04-12T10:26:00.000-07:00

It's recess! So I am blogging. I have a kid in this class named Cobby. Yeah- you pronounced it Kaw-bee, right? Nope. It's Kobee. I never would have guessed. This is a slipperly slope, parents. Just like naming your future baseball star Chone - which I pronounce CH-O-kneee. which is the slang word for underwear. CH is never SH. Never. There's that one rumor about a kid named Shithead- pronounced Shi-th-eed, or Lemonjello- Le-MON-jillo. There are pronunciation rules in the English language whether you believe it or not. And- another thing- Poor Synthia- her name sounds the same as Cynthia, but it starts with Syn like synthetic. very sad. This is coming from a kid whose brother is amed Geoffrey- but G is a J sound legally.

slowly_

2011-04-11T11:41:00.000-07:00

It's Spring Break next week for me. You might see me more then- and after that comes summer- which will give me more blogging and READING blogs time. I started this blog a year ago primarily because I was hooked on reading blogs- it started out as wedding blogs and inched into witch blogs- then I adopted "I like this person" blogs- you see, I go a bit crazy with everything I do. I don't just adopt one cat- I end up with 6.
Anyhoo, I started the blog while I was at home with a broken leg. I had been walking (and drinking) at a sand drag event. My boyfriend was drag racing his electric golf cart- yes, it is as funny as it sounds. He has us drive his little two seater golf cart out onto the sand drag tracks and it plops right next to a $100,000 hugely paddle tire-d jeep or drag racer. The crowd giggles. Last year, I ran beside the car taking pictures (I exaggerate). This year, we went again to the drag races- he pulled his golf cart out next to the big guys- and he kicked butt!!!! he raced 3 times! that's huge. We laughed because everyone didn't expect his little cart to go so fast. Last year we didn't race so I made the margaritas, slipped a little in the soft sand, and bam, broken leg. This year, I wasn't allowed margaritas (I used my friend's Margarita chapstick- she's the holistic homesteader on the side). No broken anything. Ok, maybe a bit of a broken heart because we argued- but I am maintaining that is Mercury in retrograde's fault.
So, slowly, you will see me more. I especially felt the need after my mom sent me this link: Blogging as a Hobby.
It's from January- but being noticed is nice.

I had about 3 things I was gonna grump about last week. Grumping letters and blogs are my favorite to write because they feel more like debates, and boy, I loved debating in college. I was pretty dern good at it. I think I'll save those posts til tomorrow though- because I have pretty much babbled you out now.

But, Here's what I have been spending time on this week:

First I had to beg and wear down the old codger I live with. For two years I have been asking for something fuzzy and have been told I have enough fuzzy things- the boyfriend sports a beard and a fuzzy head, the dog is all hair. I ask everytime something fuzzy comes on TV- "Can I have that?" and I always get a no. A cat was out of the question because the dog would torment him/her. A rat was a no because they don't like rats at all. But when Kitty Pinkstars, a friend on FB showed me pictures of her Ethel- her hamster- I knew what I wanted! I showed BF's dad pics of her every day. I stopped by pet stores and took pics. He finally conceded- he was going to get me one for Easter, but I pouted to boyfriend why I should get one earlier. (Yes, I know I am a spoiled two year old). So, now Ruby Dooby Doo is home. Old Codger runs into the toom everytime he hears me talk in a sweet voice- "is she up?" he excitedly squeals. He is smitten. Now, if I could only get her to love me. slowly- in time

I thought he was gonna do it...

2011-03-31T10:01:00.000-07:00

I see I am not alone on my thoughts about raising kids! And oh my gosh, one teacher can't use a red pen because it is mean!!! I had heard about that, and usually I use whatever is lying around to grade, but quite frankly, red shows up better and that's the goal- to show where the student needs to work to get better.

and as for my gripes- I gotta thousand of them, like losing only 8 pounds in five weeks even though I feel like 1000-1200 calories should be fairing me better. damn old body. Or whining like a two year old for a hamster. Jeesh- every night when I get tired my poor boyfriend has to deal with a pouty baby. I should grow up.

But here's what my real post is about- and it is also a concern of mine. Yesterday, I was driving to school- on my scooter (did I tell you my daughter teases me about my use of "-" instead of punctuation? If it is good enough for Elizabeth Barret Browning...) ANYWAY- I saw a doggy in the street. It was to the right of me as I was turning left, near the median, and heading across to the park. A group of people were standing there staring at it, but it wasn't on a leash, and I don't think it was theirs. I didn't stop. I would usually have, in my old life, when I had no job and my own backyard. I would have stopped, asked the people if it was theirs, put it in my car, drove it to my backyard, and put up signs until the owner came and got it. We had a pug for a few days because of this. We nursed a pigeon back to health. I don't like leaving animals to fend for themselves when they can't.
But I was on my way to work. I was driving a scooter. And I had no backyard to put him in. I still feel bad. It doesn't look like he got hurt. Thank the Gods. I wouldn't want that guilt to further crush me. You might find me saving spiders next. Oh, wait, I already do.
So, what if everyone became like me? It's already heading that way. Most people think that doing something for charity means posting some inane comment on their facebook wall for a day. How is my posting a comment gonna stop child abuse, or breast cancer? It's not. Not that I am as altruistic as I can be. I did president and work every weekend for a nonprofit agency for years. Until i realized it was taking away from my kids. Then I did PTA for years. Until I went back to school. Now I dabble a bit with things like sewing these sock creatures for my brother's school's charity, or buying cookies in front of the grocery store. Or sponsoring someone in the Relay for life. That's not much. It's not like my amazing brother who works in missions in Uganda for the summer. Or sponsors kids from Honduras for college.
But what if people get lazier than me? What if our whole society thinks that a post is enough? I don't think this is going to happen- seeing how many people are way more giving than I am- but it still scares me. That poor puppy yesterday, I hope someone took the time, had the car, and the backyard to help him. I hope someone realized work could wait for five minutes- but a puppy in the street can't.

Scattered Showers

2011-03-29T13:47:00.000-07:00

I know! I've been MIA for a month. You thought I was a goner, huh? Nah- I have been making sock creatures for a charity, and warm fuzzies, and baby shower presents, and a VERY TOP SECRET thing that requires times and sewing. I'll tell you all about the VERY TOP SECRET thing when it is no longer top secret.

Oh- and I dyed my hair and cut it short short- It's now a blond pixie cut. I like it.

So, I have been thinking about writing for about two weeks now- but everytime I do, it's a gripe. Then, today, I thought "who's blog is this?" mine, of course- so If I wanna gripe, then I can.
For the record- my positive thought vow is still in effect- I have had some times where I feel really down , and I have weaned off my depression meds, but I stop, ask myself if the thing is worth whining about, if I can change it, if it's a reality or if my brain is making it up, etc....and then I think a positive thought.

But also for the record- I'm gonna whine about my life later.

So, today, and all last week, I have been in second grade classrooms. Second graders are still pretty cute, pretty innocent, not yet griping too much about school. You can talk fairies and leprechauns with them. As well as tsunamis and religions. But I didn't get to enjoy these second graders much.

Why? They can't think for themselves. They can't take directions. They truly really stink at both. Was it my direction giving? no way in hades! Lemme explain:

Here is the what:
I asked for the group to sit and listen to me write a story. We went over setting, characters, and plot. I had all the kids give a setting example. Great. I picked one. Then I gave them the characters- their fuzzies and a friend's fuzzy (or the class fuzzy). (we all sewed a fuzzy prior to this). Then I gave them a recipe for the plot. I wrote a story of my own under the recipe. I gave 3 more examples of stories. I sent them to their desk to walk them through it.
Fold this piece of paper in half so it is long and skinny. Fold it in half the other way. Then one more time.
OK- did you watch me? you should have 8 rectangles to write in. One kid just starts making lines without folding- makes ten squares. wrong. He didn't listen. Another one stares blankly at the wall-= what? you were giving directions? huh?
In square one- I write on my own paper that has been folded: please write where your story is at, your setting. write a complete sentence. This story takes place in_______(a park, a school, a castle).
Can it be at hogwarts? Sure. Can it be at a park? sure. can it????No, I am not answering any more can it be-s we need to move on.
In square two write who your characters are. It should be the name of your fuzzy and the name of a friend's fuzzy. "I'm gonna write elmo and Justin beiber" are they fuzzies? nooo. Deep breathe- whatever. (after writing down the characters' names, many kids somehow magically changed them in the middle of the story- so obviously I need to reteach character or something.
In square three, write the problem your fuzzy has. My fuzzy, Gabby, has a bad hair day. My fuzzy, Owen, forgot to go potty before class. My fuzzy, Pancake, forgot it was crazy sock day. I notice one kid has just written the words "setting, character, and problem" in the 3 boxes. Sigh.
I could go on for box 4-8. Feelings, how the problem was solved, etc- but you see.

Here is the why to the what:
We spoonfeed our kids. We cut their food into tiny bites. We boss them around. We tell them what to do. We tell them how to feel. We instruct them. We do not foster thinking for themselves. We do not foster problem solving.
Next time your kid comes running up to you "Johnny hit me"- try this- do not tell him "Tell Johnny I said no", instead tell him "what do you think you could do about that?" and here's the killer- wait for him to answer. Next time he asks "how do you spell frog?" - ask him how he could find out on his own. Let him look it up, or sound it out. Let him fail if necessary- not for a lifetime, just for the one moment of word spelling- before just feeding him the answer.
I'm not blaming the parents- not entirely- schools are now being forced to spoonfeed answers to kids as well. We have to get through so much curriculum prior to testing in May, and the students have to know the answers to these questions or the school gets no money. We use cloze worksheets (fill in the blank) and multiple choice tests to assess what the kids know. Reading 35 essays and replying to each of them would be extremely time consuming. We can't ask a kid to think and give them answer time- the other 34 hyper students have no idea how to sit still and quietly while their friend answers.
Look at video games- kids don't even figure them out themselves- they look for cheat codes or cheat sheets on how to unlock the massive grenade launcher. They don't test things to see what it does-
BECAUSE IT'S THE PRODUCT NOT THE PROCESS THAT IS IMPORTANT.

Product: good grades, passed test, finish video game, turn in worksheet.. Process, writing, testing, analyzing, changing, taking time and effort.

Our school system, and our rushed lifestyles, are dumbing down kids in the thinking and problem solving department. If the kids didn't hear me give directions on our writing, or on today's massive failure of a vocabulary sheet, then they should have, gasp*, looked for directions. But that would have taken reading and comprehension, and thinking, and what they want and expect is to be fed the answers. because that's what we do a lot of the time in class. "Turn to page one" "What is 2 plus 2?" Johnny, the smart kid who always knows the answer raises his hand. "Johnny?" he answers 4. Everyone writes down four. Did everyone have to think? Nope- teacher and Johnny will tell them the answer.

I'm scared, really. I hope to the Gods that these kids learn how to think things through, how to problem solve, how to take directions (more than one at a time) before they become leaders of our countries.

My mom didn't necessarily teach me art or crafts. She (not always happily) supplied me with the stuff like pens and tape (she never had a pen because I am a notorious pen stealer). She let me cook. She let me (or was blissfully unaware) and my brother do strange things like throw silly putty against the wall. She let us test things out- try things we might even fail at. We had freedom, we were encouraged to think for ourselves. This might have come partially from her being a single mom and she couldn't be everywhere solving all our problems all the time- but it worked for us.
My toys were barbies and dolls and gooey stuff. I made creatures out of old bottles and aluminum foil. We didn't sit in front of the TV or play pong all day. I rollerskated in my garage sale bought ice skating outfit (that was too big on me and very garish).
My mom taught me to think. To problem solve. To enjoy the process- because the product doesn't always turn out (my friends who tried my eggless cake can attest to that).
we aren't doing this with our kids.

My life gripe- then I am done- I'm 39. Living in my boyfriend's father's house. It's his house, but it can also be called my home for 2 years now. I am reverting back to childhood here- but not my carefree just-try-it childhood. Someone else's controlled childhood.
*I was trying to fix my mirror- father hopped in to "help" (take over the job and tell me how to do it his way)- I said I was ok trying to figure it out myself, he stomped off.
*I want a furry pet. The boyfriend and father both are not cat people although I am very much. I offered a solution, a compromise, with a hamster. I was told no. Told no- a 39 yr old woman, told no. Yeah yeah- it's his house, but ....
* I go to work. I have to inform father where it is and when I'll be home. This, I understand is for my safety and in case my scooter acts up. But it is very constricting, and a little annoying. Can't it just be that I'll be home by 5 and if I am later, I'll let you know? nope. I get "where?" when, how ? etc etc.
*I am not allowed to bother father during a show- but heaven forbid I ever try to concentrate on a show or anything in 'my' living room. he walks in here on his cell phone, he turns on the garbage disposal, he talks about stuff like Kirstie Alley being fat on dancing with the stars.
- Ok- gripe done. It needed to get out. I'm being suffocated like we suffocate our children. I'm going to become a mindless robot looking to others for an answer. can I eat this cookie? Can I blink my eyes?

I don't know about you, but I really don't want that kind of person (the clueless lemming) to be running my country, my grocery store, or anything else for that matter. We need to really work on allowing ourselves and others to think, test, and perhaps fail once in a while.

The problem with students nowadays..

2011-02-22T14:39:00.000-08:00

Ok- not all students- but this seems to be rampant in every low scoring class that I have seen. Some of the kids are in these classes because of learning disabilities, but not all. Lemme tell you- I have seen some great hardworking kids with learning disabilities. I have seen kids who work at trying to solve a problem- even if they don't get it right- they still obviously try.
But lately, I have seen a lot of kids not try. This makes me so sad and angry. Students get a paper and I walk them through it and still they don't even bother to lift a pencil. Students get a math problem and just say "it's too hard, do it for me..." or "it's too boring" or "can I do this later at home?(or in a special study class for kids who need even more time to get classwork and homework done)"
What? They are giving up before even starting? I'd use the word lazy but heard a story of a woman who worked as a teacher and used the word lazy about her class and ended up fired.
Today the morning class had to do a few things. 1) read for 15 minutes and write 1 sentence about what you read. 2) write one paragraph about your weekend. 3) fill in the blanks about cause and effect 4) write a persuasive letter. I had to chide students into reading then writing the whole one sentence. The paragraphs about their weekend were more like 2 sentences. The fill in the blanks I almost spoon fed them verbally. About half the students didn't bother to listen as I taught and asked me what went in the effects squares. I just read it to you! Paused when the answer came up in the paragraph. Pointed to the damn square it should be written in. and verbally said "this square should say...."!!!!!
The letter went like this: " We need to write a letter to persuade people to join an after school club. Please think about what kind of club you would like to start. I would like to start an art club. Jacob here (who likes to use the fact that he is Asian in every conversation) would like to start an asian club. Alan, what club would you like to start? (Alan says hiphop)...Ok, please pick up your pencils. Place them on the first line of the lined paper you have in front of you. Write 'I am starting an after school __________club'. Fill in the blank with the type of club you would start. I will write art for my club.".......................
Do you see what I am saying? How I walked the kids through the whole dern thing? I then showed them how to give three brief reasons to join the club in the intro paragraph (enjoyment, college transcripts, help with other curriculum). I even told them they could use the same reasons. I gave examples of other reasons. Then use reason #1 for paragraph two. "Art club will bring you enjoyment by...."
Use reason # 2 for paragraph 3.

I basically wrote their essay in cloze (fill in the blank form). And I still got papers turned in with one sentence on them!
Not because they don't understand. But because they don't feel like doing it. It's booooring. It's tooo hard. Wah wah wah.
I really don't understand this lack of drive in people. I really don't understand how anyone can take education so lackadaisically. I just don't understand why they don't just get it done!
The same thing happened for math. Except it was only 3 students whining. One student finished and had 40 minutes free time. The three chose to fiddle around, whine, complain, whimper, and grump until class was over, leaving them with homework.
Where does this come from? There can't be that many parents who don't value education enough to preach the necessity of doing schoolwork and taking pride in it to their kids.

Tobin- rererepost

2011-02-17T15:26:00.000-08:00

I am stealing from my Mom's blog today. She quotes my brother. I think I posted this last year as well- but well, it's his death anniversary and it's my blog (sticking tongue out)

"
Thirteen years ago, on February 17, 1998, our grandson lost his battle with Neuroblastoma – a form of cancer. Toby was born on March 8, 1995, so he did not make it to his 3rd birthday. He was a very special child, with eyes that looked into your soul. My son, Toby’s uncle and namesake, wrote the story below just after Toby’s death.

When you looked at him, you couldn’t help noticing that he had sky-eyes; two big blue sheets of glass like dolphins swimming, because he was Toby-wan-kanobi. And as he swam, you saw grace and strength and joy and peace and mischief and some forever God thing deep inside there and all these things intermingled as he swam deep deep, or played in the surf, or occasionally confronted sharks.
I have been spending a lot of time on the beach lately. On Wednesday eve I paddled out at just about sunset. And just as I got washed in a wall of white, a family of dolphins surfaced outside where my friend sat on his board, where I had been just a minute earlier. They swam around for a couple of minutes and then disappeared into the deep deep before I got a chance to see them – but that’s how dolphins are.
On Friday I stood on the pier and watched a couple of them splash all glistening and satin. They would actually wait for the waves. When the sun is low in the sky and the glowing swell rises up liquid jade and arches, you could make out a silhouette of one or two, side by side, riding the wave for pure joy – then they too disappear.
But the thing that intrigues me most about dolphins, and of this I am convinced, they know more than they let on. They’ve got some connection with eternity – they talk to God – the’ve peeked into the secrets of the universe – they have a deep deep peace that reflects their old souls that are not confined to the dimensions of time. And yet, even in this enlightened state of Godlikeness, humble and quiet, when they finally open their mouths, the song they sing can only mean one thing – “Playroom!” and so when I grow up I want to be like Toby . . . with eyes like dolphins swimming. I want to live hard and laugh lots. I want to swim in the deep deep. I want to confront the sharks with courage and grace. I want to know God, and through it all, I want to go to the playroom every day.
I only got to swim with Toby for a brief time before he turned his tail, glistening, and disappeared into the deep deep. But that’s how dolphins are . . . . (GEO Feb. 1998)
When Toby was in the hospital he loved it when his brother and sister could come to see him and the three of them could go into the playroom. He was amazingly courageous throughout his battle. We miss him."

I do too

Poem for Tobin

2011-02-12T12:35:00.000-08:00

I will always remember the day you were born
Backwards, bony, and somewhat forlorn.
I will always remember the day you died
I am certain more than half the world cried.
I will always remember the days in between
Days full of hope and days to dream.
Every moment that you grew
every pain you went through
every second of love so true
Because they were filled full of you.
I will always remember you, my son.
The happy you, full of fun.
The sad you, held near my heart
and though we are worlds apart...
You are still in my arms and in my dreams.
and even though the pain is too much it seems,
It means I loved you and still do
And I will always remember you.

Emotions!

2011-02-11T20:31:00.000-08:00

I was thinking about my son today. His death day is coming up on the 17th. It's been 13 years. His birthday would be on the 8th of March. He'd be 16.
I've been weepy the past three days (can't be that I have been pmsing for two weeks now- urg stupid messed up body) but also because my other babies have been gone two weeks and Tob's anniversary is coming up. (Boyfriend's dad oddly told me that I have to just not think about it)
So, on a side note, I've been asking boyfriend to bring my boxes of stuff home from being stored at his shop. they are full of books for some imaginary future classroom and I am tired of storing them. I also have altar stuff and patterns ion there I want to use. Boyfriend brought home one box today.
The box was full of baby stuff! My kid's cards to me, baby footprints, Tob's hospital pictures and little shoes, baby socks, etc etc. I had a good cry. I take it as a gift from him. Tobin picked that box for me to get.

Tomorrow I'll post the poem I wrote for Tobin's memorial.

How can I tell You are Engaged?

2011-02-08T11:40:00.000-08:00

Man! I worked all week last week. Usually I get a day off or a half day, and always I get to sleep in on the weekends, but last week was an exception. It started off with sixth graders who wouldn't be quiet! There were three boys who were really trying my patience. Then, luckily, I got switched out from a second day with those hoodlums to work with pre-K for the rest of the week (and Monday). PreK is fabulous- the kids are hyper and sometimes don't listen, but they don't act that way to test the teacher, they act that way because they are silly wiggleworms.
So, over the weekend I got up way too early. I helped paint characters on a nursery wall. I actually drew out Pooh, Hefflelump, Piglet, Gopher, Rabbit, and Tigger freehand! I was proud of my art skills. I started painting in pieces of them and then the day ran out. I am going back with my friends to finish up in two weeks- I can't wait to see the finished project.
Sunday was the big game- I went to a car show in the early morning, then ate too much and drank too much while watching the game. I was happy with outcome and enjoyed my day- but went straight to bed when I got home.
Monday- Monday we were evacuated from the classroom! A pipe bomb was in a store across the street from the school. We spent three hours trying to keep the little guys in a row and entertained. I actually resorted to singing the horrible song- Ring around the rosy. ewww.
so, what's the point of my title? How can I tell if you are engaged? Lemme tell you what happened on february 3rd. Lunar New Year. We have a lot of vietnamese in my class and they were all gearing up to celebrate the year of the cat. We talked about it every day for a week. We read about Chinese New Year, made paper lanterns, put together a salad with mandarins and sesame dressing, colored dragons...etc.
On the first day of Lunar New Year, I wore my Jacket from China. I asked the kids as we were doing calendar "What Holiday is it today?" they all looked at me---duhhh. I said "Why am I wearing a lucky red jacket?" huh? "why did Justin give me a lucky red envelope?" huh? "What day is today?" and one child answered "RED!"
That's when I knew they weren't engaged and it was time to give up and go outside...

Gripes- major ones

2011-01-28T11:43:00.000-08:00

Last night I had some crappy dreams. In one, I had a baby whose diapers kept ripping, and I found out someone was cutting the sides so they would rip. I, and the people who were with me, needed to go somewhere 11 hours away, and somehow they all took off without me, and with my phone. I was stuck trying to drive a very heavy and too tall motorcycle without money or a phone for 11 hours! I couldn't figure out how to shift and I fell.
Crappy dreams usually mean something is going on in my life that I am upset about but can't deal with. I know what I am upset about. My kids are moving 3 states away with their dad. You've never heard me talk crap about their dad. Today I just might.

Last month he called me to tell me he missed me. This didn't surprise me because we have maintained a decent friendship after the divorce. Then he told me that he still wanted to grow old with me. How sweeet, right? This was heartbreaking to me. I left for a reason and I really don't think I could go back. I do miss family- especially with my kids. I miss my own home. I miss being a wife and full time mom. But that's not enough for me to go running back to him. I told him that. I told him that I was sorry, I don't want to hurt him again, and his flirting really makes my heart ache. He told me he was just flirting, it was a joke, and he and the kids would not want me to live under their roof again. Ouch! Here I was worrying about his feelings.

Who is gonna worry about mine?

Did he worry about my feelings when my car broke down on the freeway and I had my 2 year old daughter with me? We had been working at cleaning a house and we looked cruddy and practically homeless. I called him, I was ten miles away from home, and the car wasn't going anywhere. He had no car- but he had a phone and people he knew with cars- could he help me? No, he couldn't. He had to go get our son from school. I'd find a way home. I took a ride from a stranger. he had a carseat and cracker crumbs all over his car. He seemed safe. I made it home safely- without the ex's help.

Did he worry about my feelings when he was angry and upset at the world? Did he stifle his thoughts because he knew they were untrue? How many times did I hear how I was nothing because I was just an at home mom? I made no money so I was worthless? How many times was I taken for granted?

And now- The kids needed to be checked out of school. School says only the parent that checked them in can check them out. He needs to fly in early from where he is living to check the kids out. I only get one day a week with my kids, and they are leaving. I get to rush through dinner so he won't be mad that he has to wait for them at the airport a couple of minutes. Plus, the kids think he has full custody of them. I have nothing.

For the record, I must go look at the divorce papers- I recall 50/50 custody with the kids deciding to live with dad - he had the house, the toys, I had a boyfriend and was the fault of the break-up.

The major gripe? He posts on facebook: I have to go pick up the kids who I have custody of... What the heck? Why do you need to point that out? trying to impress someone? trying to look like the good parent or cool dad? Trying to hurt me.again?

Then he gripes they weren't on time to pick him up at the airport. He knew they were with me. He knew this is the last time I get to see them until most likely summer. Deal with it, jerk.

When do I get treated like a human? when do I get a pat on the back for being there every moment and taking care of all their needs until I left? I was an at home mom for 11 years. I was sole feeder, diaper changer, booboo kisser. I was the even temper, rule setter, fun mommy. I was a good wife. Running errands, cooking dinner, cleaning house, making a house a home. Ex even admitted (he was probably drunk) that he didn't realize how much I did.

And yet- he is still making me out to be the bad guy. I started dating quickly after the divorce- Boyfriend is a friend I knew from high school and someone I went out with for drinks. Ex assumes I cheated and left for Boyfriend. Lets play devils advocate- OK? What if I did? Was the marriage whole and good if I looked elsewhere? Many can tell you I didn't leave for boyfriend- I was out the door already.

So, I am the bad guy. I have no redeeming values, and my kids have major issues with me. Ex says he doesn't bad-mouth me in front of the kids, be he also doesn't root for me, does he? he doesn't point out to the kids what I put into the family and how I was taken for granted. He doesn't remember his negative points and tears he put into the marriage. He is happy to think it is all my fault.

I was almost Ok with that- I think my kids will come around as the grow older. We were going out and getting along. They were seeing that their dad is demanding and impatient. But now ex isn't just thinking. Ex is voicing. Ex is taking my kids three states away where I will have little affect on them and he will burrow into their brains.

I worry.

*for the record- my kids do not read this blog unless I bring it up for them and ask them to read it. Right now, they are packing a van to move and are not on facebook or the internet. I am am 99% certain that they will not read this, so I am not badmouthing their dad to them. I wouldn't do that. I don't want them to think negatively about their dad because of me. Even as kids, if they griped about him, I tried to tell them his side. If later, they decide they don't like some of his traits- that's their decision. But I don't want my opinion swaying theirs.

positivity

2011-01-27T12:22:00.000-08:00

My funny and wonderful brother said something the other day ( a day I spent with 6th graders that enjoy bad-mouthing each other) that made me think.

I sent him that video- the one with the totally adorable asian boy singing "I'm Yours"- and told him that I wanted the kid for myself. My brother replied "Well, he isn't singing English, and he has a freakishly amazing ability to play music at age 4, so he must be Korean- I can probably find him for you" (my bro lives in Korea).

Why'd that make me think? Look at it again. It's a compliment, right? It's also a prejudicial and racial statement. My brother rocks, he has managed to make statements like that positive. Why don't we do that as a society?

Lemme give you some examples- and they might make some people angry- but just know that what I am about to say I might not believe and what I do believe is said with love and respect:

Instead of "Mexicans coming to the US don't bother to learn English" why don't we say "I applaud those from Mexico that are able to learn the difficult English language and maintain their birth language as well" ?

or "Black people are all gangsters and thugs" why not say "Black people are so good at sports"

or "White people are woosies" becomes "White people are non-accostive"

Obviously some of the prejudice are still lies- as all people from one race are never exactly the same- but at least it's more positively prejudicial.

We could keep this positivity up whilst walking through our daily life too- huh? That lady that just cut you off, wow, she managed to fit her big car into such a small space! The woman doesn't need driving school- she needs an award for tetris or something. The kid that just lied to you didn't lie, he is honing his creative storytelling skills.

No- just teasing- not like that. Some people need to be called out for their negative actions in a constructive way. They need to see reprecussions.

What I am saying is that we need to harp on the good traits our people (friends, family, class, society, etc) have rather than focusing on the negative. My mom's cat Lily should be appreciated for her spunk and entertainment qualities. I might not have mopped today- but you can appreciate that I cooked dinner and looked pretty while doing it. The dinner might not have been fatty and greasy like you like, but it was healthy and your stomach will thank me later.

You get the picture? good. My brain just stopped working. I couldn't give any more examples.
There are a lot of these nice "programs" out there- operation nice, post it notes, etc....all trying to get people to be kind and complimentary. it's good for everybody's souls.

Ms. O(mg)

2011-01-25T12:52:00.000-08:00

News from the classroom this week: A sixth grader decided I shouldn't be Ms.O but instead, I should be Ms.OMG- I love it!

Today I worked with 2nd graders. Second graders are normally cool. It's kind of funny to see them interact with friends because some of the time you get glimpses of them, and some of the time they become their parents. Today I had a second grader whose parents I probably wouldn't like- because I sure as heck couldn't bring myself to like her- not even one iota. I tried- I usually can find good in anyone and I usually end up adoring even the most difficult children. Not this one. I couldn't see any redeeming quality in her.

She was bossy. She was pushy. She was the chunky puppy in the litter that steals all the food. She was ogre or troll, and here I was without my troll cross! She was whiney. She knew everything. She had no qualms about telling you that she knew everything. She expected immediate obedience or she sighed a big sigh. She expected pity for a tiny dot of a boo boo. I can't pity a troll who isn't really hurt.

One child was in charge of the heater. I was his job to turn the switch on or off according to my direction. I asked that kid to turn off the heater. He got up and walked over to the switch. Trollgirl jumped out of her chair, flew across the room, pushed him to the side, and tried to turn off the switch herself. He said "It's my job, I was getting it." She said (with a big troll sigh) "you were taking too long, hurrumph.".

I can see how her parents must talk to her. They must push her aside if she doeesn't immediately get what they are asking, or do things quickly enough. They must berate her for her slowness. They must stomp through life with their big green troll feet smashing everything in the pathway.

I'm not one to always blame the parents, though we are very much a product of our environment. Home is the environment in which we spend the greatest amount of shaping time. We might be at school more often, but we change teachers and don't care what they think as much as we care what our parents think.

In this instance, I can clearly see her mimicking her parents. They have to be the ones that modeled impatience and bullying. Or, at the very least, they allow (and therefore propogate) this behavior from her thinking it is cute. It's not. She was quite ugly on the inside already. In second grade (7 years old!)- how sad.

a cuter smile

2011-01-23T14:40:00.001-08:00

yesterday's video didn't do it for you? try this one :) g rated

When gloomy, cheer up!

2011-01-22T11:23:00.000-08:00

this song always makes me laugh- so I thought I'd share it- it's rated PG or R for content (I rated it for you)

What I am Reading

2011-01-20T17:09:00.000-08:00

I ordered a few book after the holidays because my mommy gave me a barnes and noble gift card. It was wonderful to blow a little money on books!
I've told you about the first book of symbols. I'm still enjoying it. But I also got the book above- Illustrated Guide to Crystals by Judy Hall. I've really enjoyed this one as well. I found out Rhodochrosite helps inner ear infections, so I ordered a pandora type bead of it last night- I can use it on my bracelet after I make the crystal water with it for my ear. I also saw a lapis lazuli bead and ordered it. I then looked it up- it helps Vertigo! Which is what the inner ear infection is causing- kismet!
The third book I ordered I am a little sad about. But I'll get tto that after I explain why I chose these books.

I am really tired of "how to be a Witch/Wiccan" books. They say the same thing as the last book. I don't use other people's spells- it's not quite the same as making your own. So, I decided to get the information that will help me rather than get the already made stuff. I ordered the symbols, crystal, and an herb book for this reason.

The herb book is one by Scott Cunningham. I am always a bit bothered that he tries to apply the "Harm None" to all witches, as that is merely a Wiccan rede, not the rule of all witches. But, that's not what I am gonna grump about.
In his book, he states that you can get essential oils or aroma oils. One is real (essential) and one type is man-made (aroma). He says you can use either for a spell. As long as it smells good, use it!!!!! he says. That, I consider, is a lie. If a recipe calls for butter, you can't necessarily throw in margarine- it'll change the taste. If my car needs oil, I can't pour vegetable oil into it. Right? The thing that really gets to me is that he is advocating the use of something unnatural in place of a nature made flora. Sure, it might smell the same, but the chemical properties are completely different, and the oils in magic are not merely for smell!
Some of you know what I am talking about, others don't or don't care to- but the whole gist of it is, if you are a well known writer in a certain genre that requires truth and accuracy, then you should speak truthfully and accurately!

Heavy, dude

2011-01-18T14:14:00.000-08:00

Oddly, I talked about weight yesterday, and then this new show came on:

The premise is that they take 2 obese people to a food rehab place for a month in order to transform them-
I watched about 20 minutes of the show, and it bothered me.
For those 20 minutes, I saw fitness coaches pushing them into exercise. They were walking, lifting weights, and doing various crunches and lunges.
OKAY...so I should lose weight by strenuous exercise and having people check my cupboards for contraband?
What about counseling for what and why they eat? What about teaching them to live in the real world? Why do all these shows push for quick weight loss through pain and torture? basically, every show I have seen forces the overweight people to work out and cut out every "bad food" to such an extreme that they are losing 5+ pounds a week.
This isn't real life, nor is is healthy. Remember my word for the year? Moderation!

My limit- and some TMI

2011-01-17T21:18:00.000-08:00

I've been sick this weekend- with an inner ear infection- the world is spinning and I might fall off. Apparently, these things happen about 2 weeks after you get a cold- and I was blessed enough to be given a cold from an annoying hacking woman on the plane behind me as I flew to my mom's.
But as I lay in bed, I realized I felt like crap for other reasons. I hit my weight limit. I am not longer OK where I am. I've decided I need to take it off.
I've been trying something this year- I've been trying not to diet- I have been watching my weight most of my life. Dieting and gaining every 6 months to a year or so. I have a fairly decent taste in foods- I like veggies and salads and low fat stuff, but I'm not always the chef, am I? I've been trying to accept my weight and who I am- and really like myself for both, without a thought to changing myself. I've been trying to be happy just being. And it's worked OK- I don't mind looking in the mirror, I don't pick on my parts anymore- and the curves are nice. But...
I stepped on the scale this morning- and I did a quick BMI check- if I gain any more weight I'd be in the obese section, not just overweight. In the last two years, I've gained 30 pounds! That's bad. It can't help my hurt ankle, sore body, or energy level either. It might be why I am feeling yucky, am getting sick, and am exhausted. And (here's the TMI- I've had my period twice in the last 28 days- on the 24th of december and then the 10th of January- now it's lasted over a week). Weight might affect my immune system, hormones, and attitude.
So, portion control and I do not really get along. My dear friend Tricia and I were discussing that today- we both are members of the clean plate club, especially if the plate is full of deliciousness, and even if the plate refills itself. Phentermine (the speed and non-heart killing part of phen-fen) and I kinda got along. I zipped through three months on it and lost 90 pounds. Problem is that I lost weight so fast I then got gallstones and needed my gallbladder out (no gall bladder=issues with fat=weight gain). I've tried phen again and it made me feel woofy- my mom knows what I mean (woofy- a little off, lightheaded, weird). I've already tried to switch us to lower fat meat and have added veggies to my meals. I made french dips the other day and when I cooled the broth, the meat yielded a very tiny bit of fat (less than a tsp) and I threw it out. I make lunch at about a cup of leftovers and add a cup of veggies to the top.
and I've gotta stop having beer at night. One maybe, or one glass of wine- but one usually leads to three.
Tomorrow I am gonna try slimfast. Just to get me started. Shrink my stomach so I can eat less. And I am walking to the store to buy the crap. After that, I'll just have to rethink my meals and suck, because I can't live on shakes forever.
By summer, I should feel a bit younger- which is good because I'll be working with a dozen hyper kids for two weeks and I wanna play with them!

I guess now that I have written it, I have to stick to it!

Religion Revisited

2011-01-12T15:24:00.000-08:00

Lisa F left me a comment yesterday that I just had to repost!
"Well, now that you've asked (uh oh here she goes...)
Cornelius Tactitus (55-117AD), regarded as the greatest Roman historian, wrote about Jesus' death and his followers; Mara Bar-Serapion, a Syrian from the first century wrote a letter to his son about Jews who killed their King. The letter is in the British Museum; Josephus, a first-century Roman-Jewish historian, didn't believe Jesus was Christ, but recorded him in his history books anyway. Ludian (120-180 A.D.), a Greek satirist, affirmed that Christ and his followers were real, not fictitious. There is even a Roman document fragment that mentions Pilot and Jesus in the same sentence. These are just the tip of the iceberg on ancient texts documenting the life and death of Jesus outside of the bible. As for the parallel stories, there are explanations of the wheres and whys here (http://bit.ly/e0msZT "
The link she left goes to a great argument about my post yesterday. If you are at all interested, read it- It's contentions really do make me want to reread Timothy Freke, and see if he mentions if his insights came from dated material that were translated appropriately (much like the arguement of the English Bible not being translated exactly from the Hebrew version ie:Suffer not a witch to live)

So, if we can prove- which it appears that we surely can (This is what I've asked lots of people and no one could tell me- Thanks Lisa) that Jesus lived, and Moses lived- It is appropriate to teach the students that he was the man Christians consider the son of God, and that story has it Moses parted the sea- but I still maintain that the EE's phrasing in the books speaks as if the students all consider Jesus' Heavenly dad God. They speak of God talking to Moses as fact. They speak of Moses parting the sea in some, as fact. They refer to the Christian God as God under the study of ancient places- but Zeus is Zeus under the study of ancient Myths. See? They still separate two religions into two categories:Truth and Myth.

Religion in the classroom?

2011-01-11T17:03:00.000-08:00

I had some free time to read today while the 6th graders were away at PE. I still have my cool symbol book and was reading about crosses. It reminded me of the book by Timothy Freke "Is Jesus a Pagan God?"

Today's story in my book was about a cross, the symbol of a God. Apparently, this guy was killed and resurrected. Sound familiar? Of course it does! It's the symbol of the Sumerian sun God, Tammuz- no? The Roman God Mithras? what? not him? The Greek God Attis! Oh you silly people- it sure it the symbol of these Gods, all of whom died and were resurrected for the sake of humanity!

This led to me thinking about a story of a baby- A cute little dude born to a virgin mommy. God told her she was having his baby who would save the world! That dude's name was Osiris. His mommy was Ceres. Yep.
"Maia, mother of Sakia and Yasoda of Chrishna; Celestine, mother of the crucified Zunis; Chimalman, mother of Quexalcote; Semele, mother of the Egyptian Bacchus, and Minerva, mother of the Grecian Bacchus; Prudence, mother of Hercules; Alcmene, mother of Alcides; Shing- Mon, mother of Yu, and Mayence, mother of Hesus, were all as confidently believed to be pure, holy and chaste virgins, while giving birth to these Gods, sons of God, Saviors and sin-atoning Mediators, as was Mary, mother of Jesus, and long before her time." (here)

This whole series of thinking strangely coincided with a student asking me "How can they teach god in the classroom?" As she handed me her paper about Moses.
Yeah- How?

They (the education establishment) talk about Zeus and Athena by introducing them as mythos or Greek/Roman myths. The EE does not speak of them as if they are real and true God?ddesse/s. Though I know of quite a few people who would.
However, the EE speaks about Moses as if he were a real and true man. And he spoke to GOD in this story about Moses. And he parted the red sea miraculously.
I can kind of see about talking about Moses being a real man- if there is documentation about him- maybe even talking about Jesus- if there was documentation about him. (If you want to claim the Bible as documentation, then I would ask you to write about Hercules as a real man as well- speak of him as a real story rather than a myth- because his documentation would be a religious text as well).
Why does the EE teach the Christian story as fact, and not the others? I get that Christianity is a cultural thing as well, as American is predominantly Christian - but we also are supposedly culturally sensitive. The Buddhist kid in my class might not quite get why this God is real in the books and question what this bearded man might have to do with Nirvana.
Just like the EE teaches that trolls aren't real- and as you know, my ancestors would disagree. Or that magic(K) isn't real- but a heck of a lot of you would disagree.
So, if you believe that there is no religion in the classroom (and have somehow forgotten that we force our kids to pledge to a flag and nation "under God"), then you are quite wrong. The EE lies. They are lying liars who lie. I'd like to either understand this, or change it.

Laziness and Such

2011-01-10T11:49:00.000-08:00

My mom wrote a post last week about Laziness (She's on the sidebar->, Wanderings of an Elusive Mind). It got me to thinking. The definition of laziness is subjective, isn't it?

I'd define laziness as someone who doesn't take care of their responsibilities. Someone who expects others to do everything for them, even if they can do it for themselves. Someone who is slovenly and glutonous to an extreme.

My mom has thoughts sometimes that she is lazy- because she has a lot of free time and chooses to spend it doing things she enjoys. I think that is smart, not lazy! I've been to her house- the bed is actually made daily, the dogs and cats are clean and fed, the floor and counters are clean, the dishes done, the furniture pretty much dusted. I walk in there and feel comfortable enough to sit and relax- it is not yucky. Her bills are paid, her husband fed (even if it is just a sandwich- she still has a full fridge!)...etc. etc. All her requirements are taken care of. If she chooses to knit or nap after that- so be it! If she chooses to feed herself a sandwich instead of a five course gourmet meal- so be it! whatever!

Some might call me lazy. I don't exercise. I sit and read or do crafts each night. I sleep in until 10 if I am not working. I like naps. But- I do work when possible, I make dinner when it is my turn, I wash my own dishes, I do my own laundry, my bills are paid (pretty much- sorry ambulance guy..), my ducks are in a row. No one does for me what I can do myself, amnd I pitch in to help others.

Do I or does my mom walk around appearing busy? I know people who feel the need to do this! One lives with me, and will wash my dish before I am done eating. Just to be busy, so he feels successful and un-lazy.

I guess it breaks down into groups- those that value process, and those that value product. I like the product that comes from making dinner or brownies. My mom likes the product that comes from knitting- but I think we value the creative process of them more. We do it for the enjoyment.
The people that value product seem more aggressive. The "look what I did"ers- Ex liked to clean the kitchen and have us all come look at what he did- and we'd clap and cheer for him. The accolades probably help the look what I didders, too. The clean dish man I live with likes to rattle off what he accomplished everyday, to each of us in the house. Everyday. It makes him feel good.
I can't tell you what I did today- I worked, then I did a little of this and a little of that. I pittered as I call it. I do like to finish something each day- that's my accomplishment- to actually finish something rather than having a thousand half done projects laying around, I now have only 999! But the finish is not the product- it's the fruition of the process that's the gem for me.
OH_ I babble- but at least I know what I am talking about!

Trolls, Oh My!

2011-01-04T15:00:00.000-08:00

I ordered a really cool book called "The Element Encyclopedia of Secret Signs and Symbols" by Adele Nozedar. My mommy gave me a Barnes and Nobles gift card so I bought a fun book. I am thrilled with this book- so far it seems accurate and non-biased.

The above symbol is called a Troll Cross. I thought "how weird, who needs to protect themselves against trolls?" My ancestors worked with trolls, side by side, to build a church. You don't believe me? Read about Heddal Stave and the Rygi- He was my ancestor.

However, lore states that trolls are mean and nasty- ask the billy goats Gruff. They know. Most of you don't think trolls exist anymore- or ever existed. But I leave nothing to certainty when it comes to mythos. Just like it has been discovered that some people are linked to neanderthals genetically (both neanderthals and homosapians were supposed to have lived separately and not have mated), I believe somewhere along the genetic lines, somebody made a troll human baby. Or trolls became more human like and slipped silently into society. or maybe not so silently.

How can you spot a troll? you all know one. S/he's the loudmouthed pushy, powerhungry jerk in the room. (not all of these are trolls- but I think they might all have a wee bit of troll blood in them). They want their way, and if they don't get it, they try a different tactic to get their way: bullying, shouting, punching, name calling, passive aggressive techniques, pouting, etc...

I wrote a poem about a part troll human I once knew:
Big green ogre
so angry and mean
all he does is yell and scream
spittle, tanturm
stomp and shout
turn my cabbage
into sauerkraut.

I soak up negativity and stress from around me. This is why I hate being in a house with crabby, stressed, aggressive, people (psychic vampires). I can't even watch shows like punked or repoed comfortably- or any of those reality shows that focus on anger and stress. It eats at me.

I can sure see why someone would need a troll cross.

New year

2011-01-03T11:17:00.000-08:00

I hate making resolutions- they sound so resolute. They make me feel like I have to pick something bad about myself and then focus solely on fixing it. I like what Dark Mother Goddess did....She picked a word for the year. So, I've been tossing a few words around in my head.
Positivity- I could be more positive and optimistic. I've already been working on it. I'm trying not to dwell on things, I fixate and depress myself. But, if I focus on positivity for the year, I'm afraid I'll remind myself to look at every situation with rose colored glasses- and there are times I need to be more realistic.
Health- that sounds good- because I could focus on health of mind and body. I could use a little more exercise (ankle willing). I could integrate positive thought.
Growth- in all things. I love learning new stuff. According to Erickson, I'm pretty much stuck somewhere around stage 6. I could use a little growth. But not in the abdominal area :)
or Moderation- I get fixated, I go on tangents, I focus on one tiny thing that is bothering me. I need to moderate my food, drink, and thoughts- to become more healthy, more sane. I need to moderate what I take in, what I listen to, whose issues I absorb. (I wish I could stop absorbing everyone else's stress- I think I might need to magically do some protection- and I never considered that before).

I should pick a word, for my mantra- but my mind isn't ready for that right now. Dark Mother's word is flourish- she's good.

also That Witch it True is having a great challenge for a month of positive thought and body image.

What'd you do for your new year's resolutions?

things to come part deux

2010-12-31T12:37:00.000-08:00

My birth father is now a devote Christian. he has his minister's license and everything. He has always been a religious person from what I remember- but it was more him being a theologian than a worshipper. He used to read us the Bible at the kitchen table once a week- in Hebrew! and then he'd discuss it. In later years, I'd find him in his car on friday nights listening to Jewish temple. He explained a few details about Judaism to me. The reason we sailed from New York to Florida on his boat was because he wanted to go to Israel- Israel was our initial destination but the boat pretty much quit in Florida. It actually quit in New Jersey, but we gimped down to Florida without a mast and dealing with leaks, cold, and a bad motor.
My first introduction to paganism came through him. He didn't know, and he'd be quite aghast if he knew now. He is very upset at my choice for a religion. I actually thought he'd be a good person to discuss it with when I started religious studies over 12 years ago- but he had found his God and was not happy with mine.
How'd he start my ~~(bitter descent to hell)~~ paganism studies? He pointed out that when he read the Hebrew bible- it says "In the beginning, the GODS created the heavens and the earth"

A hint of things to come..........

2010-12-30T12:37:00.000-08:00

I'm going to start by digressing- I know, weird way to start, but I feel it is necessary. My mom married that guy up there. Then she had my brother and I. When I was about 3, that guy and my mom divorced. My relationship with his has been spotty. I rarely saw him as a child (due to conditions or choice, I do not know). I visited him at about ten yrs of age and ended up living with him. We sailed from New york to Florida. I remember my main caretaker being his psycho girlfriend, though, not him. It might have been difficult for him to deal with an almost teenager girl, he might have tried, I don't remember. My adult years have seen him sporadically. He stopped by for a few hours when my son was about 6 months old. He sent money when my other son died. He sent a present a few winters ago.
What leaves a negative feeling in my bones is how he communicates. He is not a happy man. He feels he has been wronged. I'm a listening ear. But- he bad mouthed my mom to me! My mom- the woman who never said a negative thing about him- the woman I respect and revere. He said mean things about her. Mean things, that even if they were true, would not matter to me. When he sent the gift a few winters ago, my kids sent him a thank you note- they did not refer to him as grandpa, they do not know him as grandpa- and he was mad. BUT, if you ask him what their names or birthdays are, he couldn't tell you without looking it up. He even asked why he sent me money on my son's death day- he was looking through his check register and couldn't remember what that money was for.
Anyway, this post is not a "feel sorry for me- he's done me wrong" post. because he hasn't. Even though we don't have a relationship now, he picked the best mother for me that anyone could have. He taught me about sailing. He introduced to me to things I would never have known about. He could be a really cool man to know- if he just didn't say mean things about my mom- if he just didn't expect too much out of a relationship just because he helped conceive me.
So, The reason I am blabbing all this- is because when I speak of him, I don't know what to call him. Dad doesn't fit. Sperm donor is unnecessarily cruel. I'll call him my birth father. Since this digression is sooo long. I think I'll finish this post tomorrow. I had something else to say but I wrote forever on this subject!

passive aggressive

2010-12-28T20:35:00.000-08:00

I view the people around me as people I have earned. I need them as they have been assigned as family or friends, or as a lesson. I just freaking wonder why I keep getting stuck with passive aggressive a-holes. They always seem to be in an authority position in my life. Is it because authoritative people tend to be passive aggressive -holes, or have I not learned a lesson and the Gods feel a need to punish me by keep thrusting me back into this spot? this spot:subservient to P.a.a-holes.?

Why am I going off? I just got chastised in a half-a$$ed way by someone I didn't deserve to get it from. He announced how he just did dishes- to his son. I had just made dinner and left one dish, the dish the meat was in. Why the announcement? He opened the fridge door at such a speed that the butter flew out. The butter door was left open (my bad) but I had opened numerous times and nothing happened. I was so surprised that I exclaimed "wow- you must have opened that fast" and thus I deserve to be punished with negativity for the rest of the evening. Nevermind that I was the one who cooked dinner, packed away all the decor, and vacuumed. Nevermind that I did all the dishes besides the one pan. That I rarely rock the boat. That I am a calm and rational person~ until I have to deal with passive aggressive for a long period of time.
I realized how different this household is from my own. My mommy and brother rarely put anyone down. Sure they see weaknesses, but they don't berate the person for them, they accept them as part of the person. My mommy and brother don't try to own anyone, steal the spotlight, or be the boss, My mommy speaks highly of her kids, my bro and I speak highly of each other. negativity has no space in our life.
Not here. It's part of the air. I wonder how I was placed here. Boyfriend is not the main feeder of negativity, and if he does- he does not do it with intent or malice. but his father ooozes it from his veins. His family acts so different from my own. What am I to learn from this? don't tell me patience- I know that and all it got me was stepped on. What else am I to learn from this?
I thought it was understanding. I try to understand when he shuts my door even though I am sweating. I try to understand when he saves everything because he is from the depression. I try to understand when he turns my tv on or off, my channel when I am in the potty, or my light brighter or darker for no reason~ but they only thing I can come up with is control, and I can't understand what I would learn from another another controlling relationship.
Help me understand.

BTW_ I got my first Holiday card from the netherlands!!!! It is soooo cute and the stamps I will save! I'll save the whole darn thing! Thanks MARA!!!!

sure, she looks sweet and innocent

2010-12-22T09:59:00.000-08:00

yeah- don't let her fool you when she is asleep

Here is how she really is:

Kittehs

2010-12-21T11:05:00.000-08:00

I'm having issues with my mother. Yeah- that's not something I ever expected to say- ever- but here I am saying it.
Lemme digress and backtrack before I explain said issues.
Cats love me. They follow me down the street. They run out of their bushes to be loved by me. They show up at my doorstep and adopt me. I am a cat-magnet. Like catnip to cats. Cats always love me. always.

Except the cats my mom chooses. They are evil. They aren't even real cats. They think they are part dog, which might be part of the issue. Neither of her current cats will snuggle with me. Neither will let me hold them. Neither will purr for me.
One spends her day hiding- I assume it is from me. Right now she is in the closet of my brother's room because my room is not good enough for her.
The other spends her day creating trouble

Then falling asleep.
but will she fall asleep in my warm squishy welcoming lap? noooo. she picks the Christmas tree to sleep in.
OR MY BROTHER'S LAP!

My mom needs to do a better job of picking kittens! how rude

Sex and intimacy

2010-12-16T12:28:00.000-08:00

yes. I'm grown up so I can talk about sex without giggling. though I do still giggle when they say duty on tv because it sounds like doody.

Did you know that a study was once done on babies in an orphanage? These babies were fed and diapered but not snuggled and loved. They couldn't thrive and some died. Snuggling and loving is very important to the human soul. Touch is very important.

I think it is also important in relationships. A male friend the other night was slightly inebriated and started crying to me about his wife. They have been married over 8 years (I am guessing because their special needs kid is about that age) and she won't give him physical affection any more. He is honestly thinking about cheating. I gave him the same old line about her being tired and is he doing anything for her needs, and he assures me that he is, but she is still cold and frigid to him.

I had another friend who complained that her husband wasn't interested any longer. She wondered if it was because she has recently put on a few pounds (on her, it goes straight to the boobs too!).

I've been through dry times in relationships. The 17 year marriage went through a period of them. I understand that they might be natural (dry times)- but I contend that they are damaging to the spouse and to the relationship.

Sex is linked to intimacy. I know both can stand alone- but I am refering to the intimacy that is created through sex. The closeness, the touch, the sharing, the trusting, the concentration on the spouse and only the spouse (everything else in the world forgotten for just a few moments). That is needed. This intimacy might be created other ways- but I usually find when the sex is gone, the spouse can't or won't concentrate solely on his/her partner- the touches are gone, the kisses, the everything that makes a marriage more than platonic.

I also understand that some relationships do fine without sex. Awesome. I might even get to that point at some time, but right now I am nearing forty and my sex drive is right up there. I don't do the f-word, I don't pick up strangers, and I prefer my drive to be aimed at a meaningful connection in a relationship. I also want to say that those relationships that do fine without sex usually have both spouses at that point. My friends would not agree that no sex is good for their relationships.

I feel bad for both of them- just as I feel like crap when I am not getting loving. I gasped when my girlfriend asked about her weight- making love should not have anything to do with that! The spouse you married is going to look a hella different in 20 years, so don't expect a perfect body to last forever. Wrinkles, sagging, scars, and maybe even injuries may occur to the partner. You should still want to physically connect with him or her. If not, something needs to be looked at.

If one partner is begging for sex and the other is denying it, something needs to be looked at as well! This is a huge rejection. It is painful and hard to understand. My friend, the male, looks like a viking and was reduced to blubbering tears. I've cried myself to sleep over this as well. The denial goes beyond the rejection- it could also be a powerplay, a way to get back at the spouse, a selfish issue, a withdrawal from the relationship, intimacy issues, etc.

I didn't know exactly what to tell either friend- except hang in there, it might change. That's what I bitterly tell myself through my dry periods. I wouldn't judge the male friend for cheating- I hope he doesn't, cheating isn't the best way to fix the issue. I just hope the spouses see what the withdrawal of intimacy is doing to their other halves. I just hope my friends can continue to thrive without touch. Until things change- I have plenty of hugs for them (not as good- but OK for life support measures)

Correct teacher attire

2010-12-11T18:30:00.000-08:00

Someone I know on facebook keeps posting about how her children's teacher are dressed inappropriately. Then her friends post about how horrible teachers dress and how they should wear dressier clothes. I suggested they wear scrubs as that would fit the job more and the parents might be happy with a uniform, however that was struck down with rudeness and anger and chiding. One of the comments that keeps getting made is that the students have to stick to a uniform code and the teachers should have the same code. I was going to rebutt this on her post, however one of the parents just keeps saying "you knew what you signed up for when you signed up for the job"- um, no- I didn't know I signed up to deal with bitchy judgmental parents who care more about my fashion sense than my hard work and creativity.

The children are required as a uniform to wear sleeved shirts, longer shorts or skirts, and closed shoes. This is for their safety. If they are running around or playing PE, all three of these things keep them covered and safe. Bending over for PE in short shorts and spaghetti strapped shirts are a bad choice. Running in sandals is just asking for a stubbed toe. The teacher's uniform is less settled. I don't think they have set rules because they are grown ups and hopefully can appropriate attire. Some days work is dirty and laborous and appropriate attire might be sweats or jeans. Some days cooking or painting might be involved and those clothes can get stained. Some days the classroom is boiling and the teacher is standing all day (I rarely sit down, even at lunch) and sandals are the best choice. It is rare in the lower grades that a teacher should wear a pencil skirted suit and heels. These clothes, though shown in old Doris Day movies, are harder to be a diligent and communicative teacher in. I kneel, squat, and sit crisscross applesauce in all the grades.

I suggested scrubs to shut the bitchy woman up. Even scrubs didn't make her happy. Apparently looks are more important to her than an involved teacher. She just kept saying her stupid "You knew what you signed up for" quote- what the eff? Yes, I so want to cuss about that idiotic comment. I am so glad she is a friend of someone I know- not my friend. I am so glad I do not have to deal with her as a parent of one of my kids. The parents I come into contact with are also very involved and will get messy with the kids. They understand that my jeans, sweater, and ballet flats are very appropriate. They understand if I have a big stain on my shirt it is because I was involved with a lesson and was actually working. They see my dirty kness and know I knelt down to talk to a child who needed to see me at eye level.

I'll make one more comment to bitchy mom on facebook. Then I'll shut up. No matter what i say she is never going to see it from any point of view of her own. I conceded to some of her comments ( i think flipflops and spaghetti strapped shirts should not be worn by a teacher- nor tube tops, short skirts, or very tall heels- but I don't judge those teachers, they could be awesome)~ but I know that shallow people can never concede to a messy sloopy fashionless teacher like me.

Weekly update

2010-12-09T20:44:00.000-08:00

It looks like unless I get more hours in the day, I'm gonna be doing a weekly update instead of a daily blog. I started this blog when I was at home with a broken leg. I have been lucky enough to be working every day almost- now- and when I am home, I'm making Christmas.

For instance, when I did have a half day, I helped boyfriend finish the lights on the outside of the house and I put up this : my yule tree. Oh tananbaum, oh tananbuam, how lovely are your branches~

Isn't it pretty? I thought I was going to have to go buy more lights so I left it alone one night- and the next night I found 8 strings of lights in the ornament box- I really didn't see them in there before- I think the julenissan brought them.

Speaking of lights- the boys in this house fix everything! the 1.50$ light string doesn't work? check the fuses- did you know lights have fuses? I sure didn't. If the fuses are new, check every light on the string. look for a broken wire. Even if the wire is cut, the boys fix it! I tried to throw a string of lights away- dad fished it out of the trash and electrical taped it back together.
My first thought was "what the heck?" it's a buck fifty per string- no large amount of money. I think some things are meant to be thrown away-
My second thought was "wow- ok- they don't spend money frivolously, that's good, and not throwing it away is better for the environment"
but I finalized my thoughts with "I'm not putting any taped together lights on an extremely combustable tree".

Other than that, my red hair is holding, I've been getting spam (I'm closing comments after three days to see if that helps), and I'm zentangling my little heart out!

Off to read your blogs!

Spammed!

2010-12-07T11:49:00.001-08:00

I've been getting a lot of spam lately on the comments section of this blog. Usually Google catches it. Usually it has some sales attached to it. Usually there is a reason for it. What the heck is this though?
"I be enduring be familiar with a insufficient of the articles on your website in the present circumstances, and I extremely like your fashionableness of blogging. I added it to my favorites net stage list and will be checking back soon. Will repress out my put as highly and leave to me be acquainted with what you think. Thanks. "

Random friday

2010-12-03T11:26:00.000-08:00

I have your comments sent to my email so I can get a giggle a few times a day. I cracked up at Lynda B's "Asian escort spam is the reason for the season"- especially after reading all that escort spam crap! Thanks for that laugh!

LisaF, I think you were the lone Christian commenter- there are a few Christians who read this, most commented on the feed on Facebook. The key to the "axial tilt is the reason for the season" was theuse of the word SEASON- like winter, spring, summer, fall- axial tilt creates indirect sunrays hitting the earth-when the sun is the most indirect, it is the coldest, thus winter. This is why it is summer in Australia while it is winter in America.
As for the other meaning- I just wanted to makenote that sooo many holidays share this time of year. I hope that when I wish friends a happy time, that I take note of who they are,and wish my jewish friends Happy Hannukah rather that Feliz Navidad. As for strangers- I think politically correct is better,but that is my opinion. This is why I say Happy Holidays rather than Merry Yule or Festive Winter Solstice,which is what I celebrate.
I really dig that LisaF gave us a nice history lesson- if you didn't read it, read the comment section of "I was gonna wait,but..." Lisa F sure knows her stuff! thanks!

I dyed my hair blonde again- or tried to- allI accomplished wash making it a duller grey dirty red. So I did what any lazy person would do- I went and bought bright red dye and redyed it red. It looks fabulous now! Like traffic stopping fabulous red!

The zentangle looks really intricate, but it's working with patterns in small parts,so it is relaxing and easy to do. Mom, the lady who I made this for doesn't use a computer, that's why I put hers up there-she will never see it :) I really think that everyone of you should try one zentangle- just one- to see how relaxing and easy it really is. I have a linkto both the zentangle site and zentangle patterns in my sidebar->

I stillhave that darn cold. It turned into a sinus infection and now has migrated down to a cough. 2weeksnow. I am tired of it.

15 days til I see my mommy :) yay!

TTYL!K

making Christmas

2010-12-01T13:53:00.000-08:00

I have that song from Nightmare before Christmas in my head. and yes, it is Christmas I am making, because people who I gift to are celebrating Christmas.

Here's a picture of what I have been doing: I really do enjoy zentangling

I was gonna wait, but

2010-11-29T11:21:00.000-08:00

I was gonna wait for this- I was going to try to not even say this this year. BUT I was on facebook and someone said it- I needed to retort in my blog so I wasn't sounding like a shit to her.
She said "Jesus is the reason for the season"
Nope- wrong. Axial tilt is the reason for the season. Seriously- it's a matter of science.
The reason for Christmas may be Christ. Although Christ was not born in December. Nope.
The reason Christmas is in December is because the powers that be were trying to encompass the pagan winter celebration in that month. The winter celebration might be about a small child born to a virgin woman, or the child of the sun being reborn in the wheel of time. Both are pagan mythos. Neither are solely Christian. Neither is the Easter story. Timothy Freke writes about this in his book "Is Jesus a pagan god?"
Christians- I am happy to share this month with you, and Chanakah, and Kwanzaa, and festivus. I am happy to see red and green decor out to celebrate (they are also pagan color schemes for the holiday). I am happy to cut down a yule tree and burn a yule log. You can cut down a Christmas tree and burn a yule log (lol).
BUT PLEASE- don't try for sole ownership of this upcoming month and holiday. PLEASE don't insult me and the Jews and those who celebrate Kwanzaa. Please don't get all pissy about me wishing to the Gods that you would embrace the saying happy holidays instead of merry Christmas. The jews were around before Christ, as were the pagans (though I will concede we are all neo-pagans now and have no real link to the old), and we are willing to share and live together like the whos in Whosville.
So, before you start posting about Jesus being the reason and about how horrid it is that people want to say Happy Holidays- think about the rest of us.

dreams

2010-11-27T19:18:00.000-08:00

I dreamt the other night a really weird dream- a lot of dreams I can figure out tie to what I watched as I feel alseep, or to worries I have been mulling over. Some dreams I can't figure out at all. Like last night I dreamt I had 3 long hairs on my leg that I missed shaving. They had grown to a foot long and looked thick and like insect legs- weird, huh?

The other nights dream I could figure out- but it was disgusting. I had a sore ankle when I went to sleep- so that's part of it. I dreamt my foot hurt- I looked down at it, and it was practically detached. I could see the bottom half hanging off. Someone cut it off for me- good. disgusting but good. It was good because then I needed to breastfeed a baby. For which my dream boobs magically create milk (unlike my real life boobs that sucked at breastfeeding my first kid)

I decided this was a metaphor of cutting off old unneeded pains and starting to nurture new stuff, new babies.
you have any weird dreams?

ack! I'm typing on a netbook and keep pushing something that makes my cursor jump back to the middle of a word as I am typing. so my new sentences pop into the middle of my old sentences like a turducken. I wish I knew what did this- this post took way too long to type!

ttyl

The real Thanksgiving

2010-11-25T11:02:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving in the US was started in 1863 by Abraham Lincoln. The holiday is a wonderful reason to overeat and spend some time chillaxing with family and friends. It's a great day to let others know how thankful you are unless you are a turkey. I like this holiday though I do call it birdday- happy Birdday!

however- you knew there'd be a however, didn't you? I really don't like the lies we perpetuate as teachers about this holiday. We tell kids that the pilgrims landed at plymouth rock and moved in with the help from the native Americans and everything was honkydorey. We tell people that the Indians eagerly helped them settle and the only sad thing is that a settlers died because they got cold in the winter. The indians kindly showed the pilgrims how to plant corn and squash and beans with a fish, and introduced them to living in America.

Then, when harvest time came, the settlers decided to have a party- like they probably did every harvest. Supposedly, they decided to invite their new friends to join them. Every body brought turkey and pumpkin pie and had a grand ol time.

The truth? They weren't all fine and dandy. the weren't sweet to each other. It was very difficult for strangers with very different customs to like each other. One native did help the settlers plant the veggies they had never known about. They also, I believe, learned how to plant tobbacco. The party? the natives were most likely not invited. The heard a rukus and came over to see if the settlers were gonna start a fight. The settlers decided that since they were there, they might as well eat with them. The Indians went out and got more food (like a deer) to eat. There was no turkey. The pumpkin wasn't in pie shape.

We should be able to honestly teach this to our kids. We should be able to talk about how two different groups of people with vastly different lifestyles, views, and religions had a hard time seeing each other as equals- especially when they did not speak the same language. We should be able to talk about how some situations were handled poorly with fighting and bickering and mistrust.

We should also be able to talk about how some people in each group were kind and respectful. That they took time to try to understand the others' points of view. How at some point, they did (kind of) see eye to eye. How they did sit at the same table without killing each other (like some of you might feel when you go to a relatives for the holidays). How we are still making steps everyday to see our fellow man as equal and valued and deserving respect no matter what religion, race, creed, or orientation. ( For this, I am thankful)

I live with an old wife...and she's not mine

2010-11-22T17:40:00.000-08:00

Actually, she's a he, in the form of a 78 year old codger. He's still an old wife because of all the "tales" he believes and spreads.

I caught a cold this week. Why? I thought it was a virus that was expelled through a preschoolers mouth into my nose as he coughed directly in my face- but nooo

Old wife tells me it's because I didn't wear socks on the cold floor. Apparently, the cold germ hangs on the floor and walks through the skin in my feet if I walk barefoot (even in a 75 degree house).

I took an actifed, which is ah antihistamine- and it cleared my sinuses up really well. I could breathe though I was still tired and achy.

Old wife tells me I should have taken an antibiotic (though they are made for bacteria and taking antibiotics willy nilly builds up a tolerance for them which is bad- very bad). Then some mucus pill- whatever the one is that the commercial has a beer bellied booger as it's spokesman.

I was wearing 3 layers, but got cold so I took off two.

Old wife turned the heater up to the setting "hell"- apparently I need to be boiled to kill my germs.

Old wife also believes that sit-ups cause weight loss and when I have a a problem he needs to step in and solve it whether I've asked him to or not. (actually he doesn't do that much to me, because I never mention any issues I have for this reason- he does it to his own children).

I could go on about him, but I think I have grumped about this before :) and I'm gonna lay down so I get over this cold before Turkey Day (I know a cold lasts 5-7 days but I swear it gets over quicker if I sleep a lot the first few days). And yes I took my zinc, ate soup, and drank juice- there is medical proof for those treatments.

who I am- stuck in my head!

2010-11-17T15:55:00.001-08:00

I'm reposting

2010-11-14T10:18:00.000-08:00

Here's what I wrote in my notes on facebook 2 years ago (well, one year 10 months) but close enough. I thought it would be interesting to review each year what I want out of life and see if anything changes.

I've had a lot of time to think about what I really want out of life, and even though I might not have my philosophy fully ironed out- Im getting it down for posterity's sake:

I want the same thing we all strive for and need since birth: affection, admiration, respect, acceptance.

I want to be the person someone looks forward coming home to, the person someone can't wait to see or talk to. To be adored. I want a friendly pat on the back, a touch on the arm, a big, full, long bear hug. I want a slap on the butt as I walk by, a stolen kiss on the neck, a meaningful touch, to hold hands. I want to make love as an expression of emotion. I want a stranger to smile at me because we share the same human experience.

I want to be the kind of person a child can look up to, to be a hero in someone's eyes. I want others to see my work and appreciate it. I want to make a meaningful impact on the world that serves as an example to others. I want someone to occasionally think, "wow, I'd like to be like her".

I want people to try to understand my position on things even if they don't agree. I want to be thought of as an informed educated person whose thoughts are valuable. I want what I say or think to be taken with some weight rather than dismissed. I want to be thought of as a person who deserves a good place in life because I have earned it by my actions. I want to be a beneficial member of society. I want my job to make a difference. I want to contribute good things to life on this planet.

I want people to love my idiosyncrasies. I want people to stop pointing out what they consider a fault of mine, and to instead embrace it because that is part of who I am. I try my hardest not to make mistakes, or create havoc, or hurt others- and if I do act like an idiot someday, I want people to realize that it was a momentary lapse in judgment, or a decision I made with thought, not an evil plan to destroy those I love. I am not going to single out my own faults, I am sure you each have your opinion on what they are- but they are ever-changing and subjective.

I want people to know I adore them, and to never doubt that. I try to express this daily to those I love and appreciate (sometimes with words, sometimes with affection). I want those close to me to know that I respect their opinion and want to understand their position on things- I want them to educate me, to widen my horizon, not just validate my stance. I want friends who feel bad about their preconceived faults to know that’s part of what I love about them. I also want people to know I value their strengths.

Current: I really like that I wanted immaterial things! And I want the same things years later, I think this is the core of me, what I strive for. I like it, I like me.
I can add a few material things now- I'd like to be in a stable marriage. I realized I like being married- I just need that marriage to have what I need (basically the whole thing I wrote years ago). I want a little house or trailer to live in. I want a garden. ( I think I wrote this part on my blog not long ago-) I want to brew beer, make wine, I want to make stuff like lotion and amulets with my own herbs. I want to make homemade food like fruit roll-ups and spaghetti sauce. I want to be remembered as a warm giving person.

I've realized for a while I tried to be thought of as other stuff- mostly dealing with body issues- like the pretty one, or the hot chick- but I laugh everytime I try to take a picture with a sexy expression on my face. That's not me. and I'm not gonna try to conform to fit into that mold- it just just work.

I'm a friend, a girlfriend, a mom, an artist, a teacher, a caretaker, a goofball, a nerd. I like flowy clothes, ballet slippers and heels, short quirky hair, painted walls, my scooter, flavored coffee, food, friends, family. I want my (future) home to be somewhere people can come enjoy themselves- let the kids run around, take off their shoes, eat, laugh, feel free to say whatever they want. I want me to fit into that environment- a person who enjoys herself, takes off her shoes, lets her metaphorical hair down, eats, laughs, hangs with friends, etc...

as a side note- a few years ago I decided that I was going to say yes to invitations from friends. I was going to ride the rollercoasters at the amusement park, I was going to try new foods. It was a year of yesses, and it was a good one. I am working on that again. I'm going to spend less time on this couch. I need to get out there and live. Especially when so much of life is actually free (like friends and family).

To punctuate that, I also decided I'm going to go with some urges. I'm going to buy some clothes I love that fit (not only from the second hand store where I have been buying them- and when I get money). I am going to buy some holiday gifts and not stress about it. I might even go out on Black friday- with Tricia- though that'll be a little hard for me since it is crowds and early morning hours. And I cut my hair off. I love the red, I'm keeping it. I hated the length, which is probably short to you all, but had lots of unhealthy hair and weight to it. I like short and spunky. (Boyfriend might not love it- but I do). Maybe I'll get that tattoo I've been pining for- maybe I'll bake a cake for no reason at all- you never know! This year I am focusing on loving what I have, and changing what I want, and having a good life full of love and laughter. If I put out happiness, happiness is attracted to me- and we all need more happiness in the air!

No way in Hell, or the definition of Hell

2010-11-11T08:47:00.000-08:00

Signs, signs, everywhere there are signs

2010-11-10T11:52:00.000-08:00

I had to change the song- I think the song from which I stole the title of this post says everywhere there's signs. That's just plain dumb grammar.

Ok- really- I stretched the truth yesterday a wee bit. The sign did say something about not letting your kid on the equipment with a sweatshirt that has strings because he might hang himself. It also said not to let him walk on the top of the monkey bars, not to let him slide on a burning hot slide, to not let him play if the equipment was broken and sharp, etc, etc...It went on and on with things we should already know, and we don't, how can survival of the fittest be true?

Playground rules confuse me. I still don't understand why the kids have to sit on the swings- why can't they airplane? ( I do understand the rule about going down the slide not up, and maybe even the one about not letting go of the bars) Why can't they run on the playground? Isn't that what playgrounds are for? These rules seem to be made by the same people who insist kids do blah school work- "color inside the lines, fill in the blank, bubble in which letter is correct"- not "create art, write a story, show me through a play that you understand this"

One of my favorite college teachers taught primarily through song and rhyme. One of my favorite assignments (from another not so great teacher) was "do anything you want to illustrate that you understand this concept". Some students made powerpoints, others wrote papers, my friend made a quilt which pictures and stories, I hollowed out a huge book and stuck pictures and stories in it. We each made it our own and understood it far better that way.

Today is my friday- I'm off work early, tomorrow and Friday are Veteran's day holidays. It is grey outside and looks like rain- perfect for sleeping in and reading a good book. My nook is fully charged and ready to go.

ttyl!K

what the sign should say

2010-11-09T18:43:00.000-08:00

The sign should say- "go have fun, watch that you don't ram into your friends!"

Instead, (i'd show you if I weren't too lazy to walk the quarter mile back to the playground equipment)

it said" don't let your kids wear anything with strings because s/he might hang themselves

don't let your kids sit on the slide if it can cook eggs

don't let your kid slide with a knife

don't let your kids climb on the top of the ladder with a pole to balance

don't let your kids wrap a bag around their head and try to breathe while on equipment

don't let your kids swing in circles and ram into their friends

don't let your kids play if equipment is jagged and knife like

don't let your kids play with guns while on playground

don't give your kids bullets

don't let your kids lick the pole because of salmonella

don't let your kids eat paint

get it? Our country is such a sue/court happy country that I am sure the playground maker had been sued for every one of these things.

Has this ever happened?

2010-11-07T10:00:00.000-08:00

Have you ever liked or disliked something because of who you associate it with? Lemme give you an example: I love color- most colors, any color- except purple. Seriously, I stupidly can not stand purple. Why? The people I know who like the color purple are high maintenance, they annoy me- and so the color purple gets the same connotation as those people. (This is not commenting on YOU- I am sure that you are not this way even if you love purple). The color scheme of Burgandy and Black and Gold does this to me as well. Shudder. (funnily enough, boyfriend chose burgandy and black for a bedspread- but I still like him)

Names are this way with me too. I am pretty lucky I am not having anymore kids, since every name I love, I have known a child with that name most likely. I'd probably end up changing my kid's name on a daily basis according to the behavior of the children in that class.

I know a lot of wonderful Emilys. I've always loved the name Emily. I probably will continue loving that name since I have met so many wonderful Emilys.

I loved the name Tristan too. Ever since I saw the movie Legends of the fall. Ex wouldn't let me name a kid Tristan because it reminded him of a cracker (Triscuit). I met a Tristan the other day that reallly tried my patience. He was not an innately evil kid, he just tried to get out of doing anything and had a bad attitude. It made me like the name Tristan less.

This could be linked to other stuff like food. If someone broke my heart over a certain food- I'd probably not want to ever eat it again. If someone stole my heart over food- I'd want it every day. Don't we do this with comfort food? Food we associate with love and family? We love those because they make us feel loved.

What are your associations?

Update- Crisis over

2010-11-06T20:31:00.000-07:00

You'll find that I have a bit of extremism when it comes to things. Yesterday's post might not have been a crisis to you, but it sure felt like one to me. Strangely, I didn't feel it hit until yesterday morning, and that might have been because the night before I had had a Tobin dream. I was still prepared to go- I even found a green skirt (boyfriend's colors) at Goodwill to wear. (It was brand new and target brand- they seem to have a lot of overflow from target).

What really got me overly emotional might not have been the actual event. It was reactions to it. Boyfriend has been focused on moving. He really had no time to think- we talked tonight and he said had he even had time to think about it, he would have talked to me- I believe him.

Here's the real issue: It was darn hot all week, my mint is flourishing and yesterday was friday (as if that matters)- I made a nice mojito for myself last night. I drank one with alcohol in it and about 2 virgin. I called my friend Megan to talk over the Toby thing- she calls me when she's have a break down- she patted my hand and I felt better. Boyfriend's dad walks in, mentions I had made a second blender (I didn't tell him it was alcohol free- it is none of his beeswax). Boyfriend texted and needed help at work. I talked to his dad- and I was still sniffling a bit about Toby. The sniffles turned to an occasional tear. His dad said I always cry when I drink.

He totally dismissed any emotions and turned right to alcohol! wtf? yes I just used a bad word. Quite frankly, I have a beer or a wine most days of the week- and I don't cry most days of the week. I was already upset and he turned it to my behavior which he is obviously judging.

I went to bed. Before 8. I let it all out. I feel better. But I stayed in my room all day- sometimes I just need to hermit. To not deal with people. Boyfriend didn't wake me up to go with him. He hadn't seen the blog- maybe he just decided to let me sleep. He's home now. I left the toom to find dinner. I'll go back to bed soon. Life will go on.

Thank you for your kind words. I really don't want to seem like a crazy emotional person- but somedays I am. That's me. I feel.

TTYL K

bittersweet

2010-11-06T06:45:00.000-07:00

I'm a bit melancholy- and emotional.

let me tell you why- lol- like you had a choice! Boyfriend races his electric golf cart- (it is pretty awesome to see an apple green golf cart hit a wheelie and go almost 50 mph)- anyway- he signed up for an event this weekend. I was volunteered to help him. I have no idea if he knows what this event will do to me emotionally- I don't even know if he knows what this event might do to me- I'm writing and will have this post while I am at the event.

Tomorrow' s (or today's when this posts) event is a rally for kid's cancer. A bunch of car people are getting together, showing their wares, and racing to make money for kid's cancer. Boyfriend signed up to show off his really cool and super fast golf cart. Did he think about what a kid's cancer rally might do to me? I have no idea. I haven't had time to really talk to him ( he's been working late). I'm all for a kid's cancer rally- I'd really like to know where the $ is going though_ I'm ready to sport my picture of my baby and my gold ribbon- BUT I have already had a few days of dreams with my baby Tobin in them. If you look at past posts, you will know I feel that they are special visits. It's happened for a few days now- which makes sense since November 1 was dia de los innocentes and November 2 was dia de los Muertos- and November 6th was the day my best friend's dad died and He is making banana pudding with my son (they are all interlocked- really).

Last night's dream had Toby and some of our friend's Ray and Leslie in it. Ray was hanging out and his mom was cleaning up the house. Leslie was showing me pictures my oldest son painted while I was trying to figure out what Toby liked to eat now (he's been dead since 1998- does he still like noodles?)

OK_ so the dream only makes sense to me. Especially since I have been drinking mojitos. I am so impressed that I can use since and sense. Lol.

POINT? woman! get to the point! Does the entire world? Ok- just you and boyfriend- realize what tomorrow(today because I am posting with a timer) means to me emotionally? I opted out of the non-profit business because it was consuming me emotionally( I have a very addictive all or nothing personality)- do You ( whoever you are) know what this cancer rally might do to me? ACK- to quote Cathy, yesterday's post.

I realize I might not make any sense right now (five more point for using sense not cents or since)- because I am on an emotional, mojito, carbohydrate induced tirade with mitagating factors that I am not sharing-

but- that's what I have to say! I love and will always love- every one of my babies.

I'd post a picture of Nolan and Delany if stupid google would let me- but you can look back, or I'll post one soon. to see how beautiful and fabulous they are. They are people I can be proud of knowing. But, Tobin, my son, their brother, who died of cancer, affected all of us, and still does.

Cancer sucks. I will live my life knowing I was blessed to know (and still visit) my son who died of cancer - 2-17-98

TTYL< K

An open to letter to my future wardrobe

2010-11-05T16:15:00.000-07:00

Dear clothing,

I just have one request- no, it's not to make me look like someone I am not, liking turning Hilary Clinton into Halle Berry with the work of a corset and wonder bra. It's not to magically make my boobs three sizes bigger and belly three sizes smaller. It's not to make me look taller and thinner by sticking 6 inch pegs to my heels. It's not even to give the appearance of thinness.

I'd just like to look streamlined. Less bumpy, you know? When I am naked I'm not so bumpy, except maybe my cellulite thighs and rippley skin. It's just that when I put you on, clothes, you pinch in some places and poof out others. Can't you just lie there and shut up? why do you have to call attention to yourself? Look at me! I'm a waist band popping out 4 inches so you can see her underwear!

Seriously, waistband, and the rest of you pants parts, I am not even talking to you anymore. Unless you have stretch in your name and I can layer a tunic over you, I don't even want to see you! Why do you have such thin thighs that squeeze mine like sausages while somehow being too large on my waist so you pop out in the back? Why are you either too tight on the calves showing that I am hippy in the middle (hugging my calves may be nice to show off my calves- they are fabulous- but it really accentuates the booty and hugs my thighs as well) or too loose and look like bell bottoms? Why do loose fit make me feel like a rapper with a big diaper butt, or higher waisted make me feel like a baby-bellied grandma? (not that there is anything wrong with baby bellied grandmas, I'm just not ready for "mom" jeans).

Skirts, you could behave better too- some of you are fabulous (like my cool thrift store find of a coldwater creek t-shirt material long skirt in mauve), but some of you really suck. Like brown skirt I tried on today that had gathers in the front- above the belly. Why do you need to puff out more on my belly? Or the cute ones I think I like 'til I bend over and my everything pops out- can you just grow a few inches? Stretch and cotton are good words for you to have, but please do not stretch out too much so it looks like bigbird wore the skirt before I did. also, can you drape straight down in the back, so you don't curve with my butt? I think that looks great in a pencil skirt on powerful business women, but as a teacher, I feel like I need to appear more, um, friendly, motherly, modest?...

Shirts- I've pretty much given up on you too. You either hang straight so I look like a box, or you hug so close my buttons pucker and my arms can't move. You are either too short or too long. I've been thinking tank tops look great with skirts and can be layered with a sweater. So, shirts, call me when we can get along, I'm not liking you much now. Tanktops- please hug my boobs and awesome 33 inch waist- but no so much that I look like I was poured into you. No one wants to see my backfat pushing against your fibers. Just skim my body gently, thank you.

Bras- it is your job to hold the girls up. I really don't need he girls pushed strangely into the center of my chest to create "cleavage" and chest skin wrinkles. I don't need you pushing out weird fat bumps near my underarm or on my back. Just do your job, proudly.

undies- really, you know what not to do- don't pinch, pucker, or ride up. Do look attractive and do whatever undies are supposed to do.

Clothes- I'm telling you, this is your last warning. I don't plan on losing massive amounts of weight so you all can hang on a bone thin lady like the models 'clothes do. I don't think I'll magically become a hard body. You and I are stuck with each other (unless I become a nudist, then I'll vote YOU off the island). So, lets just see if we can work together. I promise to try the styles that are supposed to work for my body type (I'm a pear btw), and I promise to try to shop in my size- especially not a size smaller. I will try to get materials that I love like cotton tshirt material- breathable and doesn't wrinkle (it has a dash of spandex in it). and I'll wear spanx for special occasions. You try to just lay there properly.

If we can't agree- I'm switching to cheap cotton sundresses. The look good with my flat ballet slippers anyway (I gave all the heels a pink slip until my ankle feels better (IF my ankle ever does)).

LOve, K

Comments

2010-11-02T09:53:00.000-07:00

Thank You guys! sometimes I just need to have a conversation with a bunch of level headed ladies to get the gist of how I am feeling and what the proper reaction should be. A bunch of you made the same comment that my ever wise mommy made. (Avoiding the conversation was not denying myself, but rather avoiding an UNNECESSARY confrontation).

I capitalized unnecessary for a reason. A very good reason. I've been learning to confront people for the past (10 or so) years. I've been owning my opinion rather than just going with whatever the leader says. I am normally a follower, or maybe more of a non-leader, I don't necessary follow idiots- I follow those I agree with, anyhow- For years I'd allow people to say things or demand things and just go with the flow even if I didn't agree with it. I'd let people make racist jokes, I'd tolerate people stepping on me, etc...I was Ok with it. Until I learned it was slowly eating me away. I had to figure out how to make a stand- but that's a slippery slope. I had to learn when to make a stand as well- and I am still learning.

This is why my mommy is so good. She is my unbiased observer. Even if I tell a story with my biased opinion, she can still manage to see the other person's point of view. She also knows when to hold them and knows when to fold them. I value her opinion. And yours.

So, I am glad I didn't react. because that was true- I didn't need to. It didn't need to be clarified. I didn't change because I didn't publicly label myself. Neat thing is that boyfriend's dad took the time to thank me for chatting with sister, for being part of the family, for interacting with the family. That was cool, huh?

ThankYOU!

* and as a side note- Andy made me crack up in the picture comments. He asked if my broom has tried to win me back, like the swiffer commercial's broom. LOL. (Andy's blog is Eye Candy- he posts a picture a day).

TTYL! K

Random and Lunacy!

2010-11-01T14:17:00.000-07:00

First Random- then I'll Lunacy.

I think I am turning off anonymous. I really wanted to make commenting the easiest it could possibly be. I didn't do passwords and I left anonymous open. However- People have been abusing that. I have been lucky enough that blogger has a nice spam filter and gets the longwinded weird spam that is posted. But, yesterday, under my pictures post (you know, the one that was just pictures- a bunch of them?) a spammer posted "nice post, but don't you think pictures would help your blog more?" then gave me some weird name. That was posted by two weird names in two places. What dolts!

I like the red hair too, thanks. It's not gonna last long. I have only washed it once and you can already see the blonde peering out. It is permanent hair color, but evidently, nothing is permanent.

I drew twelve tarot cards yesterday- one for each month of this year (Hallowe'en marks the pagan New Year, so don't think I am monthly or holiday challenged). It looks like a lot of the same crap if I don't figure myself out- which is part of today's gripe/lunacy. One month really cracked me up. Apparently, in July, I'll have rest and respite. Duh- I do every July- that's when I visit my mommy and daddy and brudder.

OK- today's gripe. Some of you know it yourselves. Or you see it in others- that ever lurking broom closet! I thought I lived out of the broom closet. I felt I did. Until last night. Story behind the story: boyfriend's dad went to baptist bible school. He was gonna be a preacher. He raised his kids with church and the Christian God. In fact, I used to go to church with boyfriend and his dad when we were teens. Current background: Boyfriend knows my religious choices. He cringed a bit when he found out, but that was because his last girlfriend was a wiccan and she left some bad memories. (she also was born in october and had red hair). I haven't fully "come out" to bf's dad yet- he should know- he's asked me if I believed in witchcraft and I said yes, he knows I love ghost and witch shows, I wore the darn witch hat around the house all week- but I don't know if he really really knows. Substory: Boyfriend's sister suddenly decided to homeschool her 16 year old daughter. She claims it is so she can give her daughter a good Christian basis in her education.

whole story: Last night, sister and her daughter came over to give out candy and visit. I asked sister how homeschooling was going. She mentioned she was enjoying it and daughter really like that they were discussing other religions. ("oh- cool" I thought) Sister goes on to say how good this was so that daughter can see how the other religions were wrong (not exact wording- I forgot wording). I don't remember whole conversation- we ended up comparing Bible stories- Song of Solomon always cracks me up (My sister has no breasts, what shall I do when she is spoken for?). I commented on how the Bible was picked from a bunch of books written by man and edited by man. Some books were left out. She said something about the ones that were left out were inaccurate (as far as I am concerned anything written by man is inaccurate and biased). She whipped out her phone and showed me the bible on it. I joked that her god told her not to eat shrimp (somewhere in Deuteronomy) and she paused "what? He's not your God?" I switched subjects.

why? To respect the boyfriend who most likely does not want me to out myself? I think he asked at one time that I not out myself. But..wait.. That does not respect me, or who I am. That is me being untrue to myself. That is uncool. How'd I get back in the broom closet? I've been out in school, at work (if asked), and to family and friends for quite a while. When did I get stuck back in? and why?

that's it- that's my ramble. I know for my own good that I need to own who I am. and I am not happy with last night. I am not happy that I felt the need to avoid the question. I am not happy that I did avoid the question.

How would you like to be asked, or feel the need to (being asked is actually a moot point anyway), deny who you are to others? Would you like to claim that you are not a Catholic, or a Baptist, or a Pagan in order to fit in? Would you like to pretend that you are a republican even though you are a democrat? Or a boy if you are a girl? Would you like to be dumped onto an island of gays and have to pretend you are even if you are straight? Then why to we expect others to deny who they are, or to pretend they are something they are not?

ttyl K

pictures

2010-10-31T16:31:00.000-07:00

Happy Hallowe'en and Samhain!

2010-10-31T10:36:00.000-07:00

OK- I'll get pictures of the newly dyed bright red hair and halloween costume up soon. Boyfriend's dad tried to take a picture-

Yeah- blurry as heck and prior to dying hair. Maybe I'll go get dressed and make boyfriend take a picture of me on the scooter. I had a had attached to my helmet, but took it off (it made me less aerodynamic).
I wore the outfit to work- with middle schoolers (11-13 yr olds) and they were happy to see teachers in costumes. The special ed kids were way excited! they almost couldn't work. I love it.

I'm currently reading "The Big Book of Soul" that I won from Weiser books in Mrs. B's giveaway. It's about African spirituality and magic(including hoodoo (not voodoo)). I love it- and I'd love a gazillon more books from them as well.

I bought for pair of glasses (40 bucks total) from Zennioptical.com- including the green and orange ones, and a pair of black and a pair of tortoiseshell. I got my eyes checked and I'm going blinder. The nice YOUNG doctor lady informed me that because ~~I am getting old~~ of my age, I might notice that I can't see up close either. Great (we do need a sarcasm font- lets pick one and decide that's what we will use)
Maybe Italics?

Enjoy your day- no matter how you celebrate. I'll be leaving goodies out for the fairies and my dead. Though my dead might also eat tomorrow on dia de los muertos.

ttyl!

woohoo again!

2010-10-28T19:32:00.000-07:00

I've been diligently working on finishing up my beautiful conical hat and corset/skirt to wear for halloween...especially now that I found out I can wear it to work tomorrow. I have a fabulous image of me in my head dressed in my black spiderweb skirt and black helmet (I might attach a witches hat to it) on my scooter racing down the street (mom, not really racing- going speed limit or below, and always watching for idiots). I also finished a puzzle ball I gave away for Mrs. B's giveaway, and got things ready to mail. Plus! Plus! Plus! I picked out some cool new eyeglasses. This weekend I am going to get an eye exam and my mommy directed me to the website Zennioptical. Look at these cool frames I want for only 10 bucks- we will see what they cost with lenses, but it has to be way cheaper than I usually pay...

Frames at the optical doctor's are usually 100 bucks or so- these are only 10. They have frames from 6-50 bucks! For that price I can buy three or even more. I am so excited. Plus, I'll be able to actually see! One eye in my current glasses is a bit fuzzy, even when sober.

I'll get pictures of my Halloween attire soon!

TTYL K

Obituary

2010-10-27T13:15:00.000-07:00

Lyn at Witchblog posted a cute bit yesterday on obituaries that told the truth, the down and dirty, the whole dirt. I thought this would be a cool exercise for us...to think what our obits would currently say, and to think what we'd want them to say.

Quite frankly, I don't care if I get an obit. I don't care about the grave, I'd rather be cremated or donated to science, or pieced out as a donor. You can throw me in the ocean, in the dump, or leave me in a coffee can. Whatever, My body will be dead. I do plan to haunt a few people just for fun though.

What dirty (not so secret) secrets could my obit have? I love wine, and beer, and mixed drinks especially margaritas- and I drink them. (Tipsy is not a bad thing. I don't like drunk, though I have been). I'm a jack of all trades, but have mastered none- I don't stick with things forever, I just flutter from one to the next. I'm in love with love, and a sucker at times (been married twice, divorced twice). I had my first kid before I was 21- I got knocked up. I'm moody and might have a bit of my birth father in my personality (he's a downer like eyeore and a hypochondriac). I cuss occasionally, smoke (a pipe or cigar) occasionally, and tell dirty jokes occasionally. I'm not much of a laborer- I prefer hard work mentally- though some might argue that my work isn't hard enough. This dribbles into my exercise- I used to work out a lot. I don't so much anymore. If it's a mainstream newspaper, maybe they will want to mention my not so mainstream religion, as well.

Some people who have issues with me might be able to muck it up a bit more- but I think their opinions of me would be biased negatively :)

What about good things? I try. I try to be open, patient, kind, accepting, and understanding. I try to earn my keep and care for myself. I try to keep promises and uphold my responsibilities. I put love and effort into everything I make. I am creative. I am appreciative. I save bugs. I don't kill ( I do eat meat- so I kind of kill, and I eat veggies, that's kind of killing too), but I don't squash bugs or murder people ( misquitos and black widows are an exception- there it's kill or be killed). I maintain a bit of a childlike wonder and joy in my life- and I share that with children and adults a like (it's good for you to color, look for 4 leaf clovers, dance in the aisles of the grocery store, flap your arms and try to fly).

somewhere in there it would be nice if someone mentioned that I love my kids, stayed home with them for 11 years, volunteered at their schools, and tried my best. Maybe that I was, am, a decent daughter and sister too. We will see about the wife thing- I thought I was a good one, I don't know if I'll ever be one again.

What do I want to do that my obit might mention? I've talked about this before- I want to do that stickynote thing where I leave positive sticky notes for people to get (I've left one or two- but don't get out much). I want to do the toy society and leave toys all over for people to find . Basically I want to spread surprises and joy. I want to travel and learn about other cultures. I want to be open to new experiences and foods and customs. I want to visit places of worship. I want to watch people. I want to write a children's book, or perhaps a substitute book for schools. I want true and enduring love. I want to be old with someone else who adores me. I want to save animals. Maybe foster kitties. Maybe get a big house and make it just for kitties. I want to grow my own food, can some stuff, make my own cosmetics. I want to know about crystals, aromatherapy, herbs. I want to live fully and enjoy it.

What about you? what will your obit say? what should it mention? what do you want? I'm adding a mcLinky if you wanna link up~

Dear Mass Media,

2010-10-26T16:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Newspaper funny pages, Disney, History Channel, TMZ, and all~

I know it's Halloween season, and I know you want to find scary things to talk about, but you really disappoint me. Why don't you review some of the politicians running for office right now, that's scary! But please just SHUT UP about things you don't know.

Newspaper funny pages, when you said "a long time ago, people used to believe witches were real"- you were stupid and a big lying liar who lies. OK_ maybe not so much a liar because that statement was true, but the inference was incorrect. Today, people believe witches are real, as well- because they are! Maybe, since you think are an educational tool, you could have taken time to research it, and either leave witches out all together, or include the truth about witches.

Disney, why are all witches mean? Why why why? Remember in the wizard of oz, they had one nice witch? Maybe you could try that? the green skin has to go too.

History channel- why would you let your announcer dude say "Halloween is one of the weirdest holidays"- no it isn't! It's a day of honoring the dead, a day of celebrating harvest, a day of keeping the ghosties and fairies at bay. If you check it out, a lot of cultures have days similar to these. Remember Dia de los muertos? How about the Christian feast that used to be in the spring but was moved to Nov 1 to coincide with the pagan holiday- I think it's all saints day (no- I'm not gonna research it, because I am a big hypocritical hypocrite)? How about all those tribes that take care of their dead on a daily basis? Weird is insulting and an opinion. I think it's weird Jesus likes bunnies who lay colored eggs when he dies and comes back as zombie Jesus (just teasing about the zombie part- it just always makes me giggle: not kidding about the bunny and eggs which are pagan). Could you not buy a dictionary or look up the meaning of halloween? Dictionary.com has a thesuarus too- let's try another word instead of weird. Let's read up on the holiday first, m'kay?

TMZ, you did a story on Wiccans cursing a certain basketball player. Then you lumped wiccans and witches together. Not all wiccans are witches, not all witches are wiccans. Wiccans would never hex or curse anyone (a witch might). You just hopped on some stupid sensationalized story because you are idiots who don't actually research anything. (BTW- dude who commented on the story - both might use a pentagram, maybe even bones). Looking for sensational stories? go find a politician who doesn't lie.

Everyone- jeesh, the first rule in writing is to research, find facts, don't make crap up unless you are filed under "fiction". But even then, can we balance things out a little? All witches are not mean, all cats are not cute, all old men are not grumpy....

and, if you want to talk about Ghosts, they aren't all evil either- just remember Casper.

ttyl! K

Lunes Lunacy- Usuary

2010-10-25T09:02:00.000-07:00

Yeah- I know, I just made up a new word- but if Pres. George W. Bush can do it, so can I.

There is a difference between being used and being useful. Even as a mommy, a person can be used. The difference, I believe, may be in the gratitude and expectations of the receiver.

Ex and I had issues occasionally ( I know- suprising, eh?). Some of them had to do with housework and household expectations. This issue dribbled into childrearing as well. Just before we broke up, I had been going to school full time- not the full time 12 units at college, but the full time plus- as in 15-18 units at one time. I tried to show ex that each unit equaled three hours of class time plus homework each week. So, I technically worked 45 plus hours a week, then came home to clean and cook.
I had big issues with both cleaning and cooking. When had it become my job to rinse other people's dishes and get them into the dishwasher? When had it become my job to pick up other people's crap from all over the living room? When had my son's clothes started to sneak into my laundry basket? Or the trash become my job? Why whenever I cooked, did someone complain about what I made and then not eat? If I didn't cook, I looked like a bad mommy. Why did my reminding the son to do his chores become nagging?
The gratitude and support felt like it was missing. Because I had been a stay at home mom for so many years, I was now considered the doer of all things. Ex's job was to earn the money and water the grass. My job was everything else. and I had to do everything else to other people's standards.
I'm not saying my job as mom and wife was bad. I was lucky to be able to stay at home for so long. I was lucky to be able to put myself through college (I know I did because I still have the loan to prove it). I was lucky to have kids that were not difficult and an Ex that worked hard. buttttt......
I no longer felt useful. I felt used. I know the difference and I didn't like it.

That's my gripe for the week- it was very pleasing to have to reach back into time to find a gripe :) I guess fall and halloween can really make a girl happy :}

Blogging

2010-10-24T14:06:00.000-07:00

I haven't been on in days! But I haven't been ignoring you- I come home from work all worn out from taking care of boogery 3 year old, and am forced to take a nap. Then I wake up and read all your blogs- I comment on some if my fingers are working- but I read all of them. Then, I start sewing my new hat until my eyes are droopy, and I go back to bed.

I have to change verb tense here- that was bothering me, as I did that all last week. Today is Sunday, so I slept in til ten and then forced myself to doze til 1. I am afraid I am catching a cold and sleep usually helps me avoid them. I'm up now drinking tea laced with orange juice.

Usually my mind is constantly going. I am writing blogs in my head as I zoom off to work. I am commenting on things and opinions always in my head. My head was way too tired to do that last week. I love the preschoolers, but as a teacher, I have to be constantly on and aware- then the lunch break is filled with getting stuff ready for the next class- then a fresh bunch of younger preschoolers appear for another 3 hours. ack!

I have 7th graders on Monday. I don't know if that is any more relaxing- but at least the day goes by fast and I am in no way bored!

Witchy Godmother gave me this award! I've been popping on to her site for a bit now- Mrs. B showcased her and she has a cute and informnative blog. Plus, I just realized the other day, you can hear her voice on her blog! weird to put a voice to writing.

this award makes me laugh- she hasn't seen what I am wearing right now :)

OK- peoples, I will try to post more next week... just know I am reading and still enjoying the blogging world!

yiddish wednesday, tuesday in my town

2010-10-19T16:41:00.000-07:00

and...more words to insult by!

Nar ainer! - You fool, you!

Nebbish - A nobody, simpleton, weakling, awkward person

Nishtgutnick - No-good person

Nudnik - Pesty nagger, nuisance, a bore, obnoxious person

the word nervous is yiddish is narvus- I love to see how languages link like this.

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner!

2010-10-18T05:27:00.000-07:00

And the Winner is...Witchy Godmother!( we can email address info, OK?).
Don't forget I've got another giveaway going on at Mrs. B's today!

(my toes look beautiful in gun metal grey- I picked a kickbutt color)

oh- and I almost finished the hat, I need to edge it, but I think I'll make one in black, leopard isn't thrilling me.

Halloweenie

2010-10-16T12:55:00.000-07:00

I'm such a dork, and I love it. I spent an hour last night looking up dog costumes. My step-dogger is a huskie, and would never wear a costume. Even if she did, she'd never look quite as cute as this:

I'd seriously consider buying a baby pug just to train it to be ugly-cute in costumes. It'd have to be pug mix though because I only get pound puppies.

Now, my poor cat never got the hang of wearing costumes either- I thought he looked like a wonderful lion:

I guess I'll have to buy a pet to dress up that's not living, or maybe a young man, like Diva Eva did: from daily dose of diva

This is more plausible. Around payday, the 29th- look for a newly adopted friend :) Unless I figure out how to construct on myself prior to then. (the hat is coming along- I hand sew, sew I am slow.)

speaking of scary- have you ever sang the rockabye baby song? what the ????? put a baby in a tree until the branch and baby fall?

That's why each kid got better songs: Nolan's was Baby Mine (bette midler) Tobin was Eidelweiss (the ending was changed to Bless my Tobin forever) and Lany was a Jimmy Buffet song "Delany talks to statues" or "Little miss mischief"

Have a great weekend! I probably won't post tomorrow because my oldest bestie is taking me out to get my toes prettified!

ttyl!K

award n stuff

2010-10-15T16:18:00.000-07:00

Debra at She Who Seeks gave me the Prolific Blogger award- that means I talk a lot. (grin) The rules are to also thank the maker of this lovely award- advance booking- isn't it a lovely award?

I'd love to pass it on- but I'd have to pass it to everyone! Look at my side post with blogs--> almost everyone one of them is someone who blogs just about daily! If I miss a day, I have to read for hours to catch up! If you want it- take it, it's pretty- I'm giving it to all of you! Just link back to advance booing who started it :)

* Hat update- I've started a witch hat out of leopard print material I had here- it's fuzzy and furry, I like it. I just happen to have leopard print shoes and a belt to match.

I dreamt night before last about my son, Tobin. The one who died of cancer before he was 3, about 11 years ago....Only, I know these dreams are much more than dreams; they are visits. Especially since I haven't seen him for about a year, and the veil between our world and the spirit world thins around this time of year (why do you think Halloween or Dia de Los Muertos is in the fall?). I am always thrilled and saddened after one of his visits. He is so alive, and I get to hug and kiss him. I can feel and smell him. Then I wake, and it's back to living without him.

I worked again today- in another spec ed class. I was only called idiot a few times. I was only yelled at twice. It was a decent day.

It's friday here! Monday I draw the winner for the pin-up ball, go back to that post and put your name in! I'm also on Mrs.B's blog on monday for a giveaway.....

Going to finish my homemade hat! TTYL!

If I had 30 bucks right now........

2010-10-14T11:52:00.000-07:00

I'd be broke again! Because I was just looking up stuff I can't afford right now, and really want a hat for halloween( all good witches need a proper hat- I had another I liked but don't think my hair would hold one of those that are clipped on tiny and sideways), and came across this:

Is that just tooo cute for kitchen witches? She's on etsy under REAM04. The listing for this one is here.

The clip on ones I looked at before are under the link and under the name Witchystarr. I like them, but blond hair isn't good for clips and such.

Ok- I'm off for now. I might post yiddish later. I have work at 1 today. 1-3, weird right? 5th graders, so hopefully they'll be calm. About yesterday's post: the kids were special ed. I am assuming that there are medical reasons they were angry and violent, much like the medical reason I have depression. I am still wondering why they are allowed to play games I wouldn't let my son play til he was 15 (when he solidly knew that gun and knife play are only for video games). I also feel that speced teachers are saints. I can keep calm, I am great with humor, I have tons of patience- but I couldn't do that everyday. Thanks for your comments and kudos. I like you all too :)

Never again

2010-10-13T16:02:00.000-07:00

Most days I go to work armed to the gills with super powers. Super powers teachers and mothers have. The power to calm and angry kid, the power to turn defiance into aquiescence, the power to make the sad giggle. Not today. My super powers did not work. These kids were kryptonite.

These kids were 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders. All put in a special class. I am assuming that most of them were in ther for behavioral and social issues. There were 8 kids, all boys. And 4 teachers most of the time. Ocassionally one teacher would take a few of the students to other mainstream classes. At the end of the day I was left with 4 kids, alone, for 10 minutes. du du du (ominous music)

Throughout the day I was called names- bitch, fucking bitch, evil, brat, etc. I was told that I was not the boss. I was stabbed with a pencil. I was kicked at, hit, and hissed at. If I tried to help with classwork (amazing how any got done at all), I was ignored or whined at.

These kids have issues. They have issues with names, official names. They have special helpers, counselors, certain plans for their school and behavior.

Why are they like this? Is it nature? Nurture? A little of both? Why are they being allowed to watch TV with Violence? How can they be allowed to play violent video games? Their behavior already leans toward anger and violence, why are these predilictions being fed? Where'd they learn those words? Does their family talk to them like that, or in front of them like that?

When I was alone, one kid knocked over his friend's blocks. Friend yelled, kid ran, friend jumped up angry with fists cleanched, grabbed a block and pegged kid. Kid came back to fight, friend was geared up to fight. Nice older kid stepped between them. Friend threw himself on beanbag, kid wanted to body slam friend. I restrained kid by hugging him gently and sitting down with him. I don't know the legalities of restraining. Kid's father showed up right then. Just my luck. After kid calmed and I let him go- father said "so behavior wasn't that good, huh?" well------------duh. Behavior was OK til then. Not great. I doubt behavior is ever great. The kid has no impulse control like everyone else in the class.

I'm tired. I usually love classes with special kids. This one was too much for my super powers. These kids had force fields up against my awesome mommy stare and ever-correcting "I'm going to tell your parents" (or take away recess). I don't think I'll jump at the chance to visit that class any time soon. My wounds need time to heal and I need to hone my skills.

Tuesday- randomonics

2010-10-12T17:21:00.000-07:00

Picture from Jennifer's Doodles

*I'm tired. The hypochondriac part of me wonders if it is seasonal deficit disorder.

*I want to make the pumpkin pie cake from October Farm's blog, but it would take energy.

*Lisa F. made me laugh because she so called me on my hypocriticalness- I bitch about half naked women right after I post pin-up girls. LoL. It's different because, um, I said so.

*I zentangled today and left it with my sub calling card because the 8th graders were on task and required very little help. Lucky me.

*I have decided that part of my problem is a bad attitude. Maybe. I'm going to experiment and think happy and positive everytime a negative pops into my head. If that changes the way I feel, good. I'm tired of being a moody chick.

*This does not mean if depression flares up that anyone has a right to say "just shake it off". Dont. ever. tell. me. that.

*I am officially the mother of an adult. My son turned 18 today.

* I love fall but hate the stupid voting ads that come with it (in the US- it's horrid!)

*I really want that cake.

*I'm happy you visited me here today! Hope the rest of the week was as nice as today.

*as nice as today does not mean I want some crazy lady to cut me off so I have to stop by skidding 6 feet on my scooter barely missing the side of her car. Once in my lifetime was enough. (Do I burn more calories with an adrenaline rush like that? if so, where's that cake?)

TTYL! K

Lunes Lunacy- Men's shows

2010-10-11T13:03:00.000-07:00

Yep, you've heard this one before, but with boyfriend's lifestyle, this is one I seem to bump into on a monthly basis. Promotional girls- dressed like this-

You'll have seen them if you have gone to any man's expo where they show off manly things like big trucks and guns. Maybe some quads and motorcycles. Expos where they sell stuff (not women- actual stuff) and drink beer and adjust themselves in public.

My issue? Kids and wives go to these things too. Lemme write a letter to those with whom I wish to speak:

Dear Manly show vendor,

Yeah- you- the one with barely adult chicks in their underwear. The chicks with their butt cheeks hanging out. Or the ones in bikinis. What are you selling? what? Lightbulbs? really? all I see is boobs and butt. Where's the product? Don't you think your product should be good enough to sell itself? If your product needs boobs and butt to be sold, maybe you should take it off the market. (In fact, if those girls are all boobs and butt and nothing else, they should take themselves off the market too- I'd like a daughterinlaw with more substance, please).

Dear Manly Man,

You, the one with kids in the stroller you are pushing through the show. No, not you, the one who stops at booths with products; the one who is drooling over the "promotional girls". The one posing and flirting with them. The one with a young son and daughter watching you as you openly have sex with her with your eyes. Yes- you. What are you teaching your son? Especially when you left home this morning with barely a grunt to mommy and now you are fawning allover the butt and boobs chicks. I'll tell you what you are teaching your son. Girls are only about butts and boobs. Mommy shouldn't be adored or respected because these girls have firmer butts and boobs than mommy. It's ok to treat girls like meat. Girls should dress in their undies to go outside, at least girls you want to date.

and your daughter? the one watching you. The one in pink and pigtails that swings her chubby arms around your neck every chance she can. What are you teaching her? stop and think. What. are. YOU. teaching. her???? Do you want her dressed like this for other men to drool over? Do you want men to fantasize about your baby girl? Do you want her to sell herself at manly shows?

That woman that is all butt and boobs is someone's daughter. She is someone's little pigtailed girl. She's been taught by society and people like you to wear her chonies in public. She's been taught that her real value is in her butt and boobs.

By the way, I am sooo tired of the excuse "sex sells". Sex only sells because we let it. Cute sells too. Put a chubby two year old in your booth and he will sell the crap out of your product. Oh- good products that people want sell too. Try that approach. It's actual selling without prostituting sex or cute.

that's it. That's my tirade. Boyfriend wonders why I get so upset. I really wanted to cry on Saturday at the Manly show. I had read some forums prior to going in order to find a coupon for the show- and was accosted with manly comments like "well, the show is smaller but at least the bikini girls will cheer me up". Gawd! I hope that man doesn't have a spouse- that is all kinds of disrespectful.

I have a fourteen year old daughter who is gorgeous. Luckily she is being raised by a man who is not like these manly men. I was also a fourteen year old girl who fell into society's bidding. I wore sexy clothes to be noticed. I still continued that through adulthood. It surely did not help my psyche. I put too much importance on looks and not enough on my "self". I don't want that for my daughter, or any daughter. That's why I cry.

You can link your gripe to my page- if you wish.

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Here's what I did today..Sunday 10-10-10

2010-10-10T18:24:00.000-07:00

I love today's date. Some kid was born today at 10:10 am- wouldn't that be soooo cool? I wonder what that means astrologically.

Anyway- I stayed home and played hookie from boyfriend's normal get up before the sun to sell stuff Sunday event. I slept in- why am I soo tired lately? I read blogs. I created some new artist's trading cards. I'm in a few swaps on swapbot.

First swap is food related. I'm not done with the cards, I don't think.

The second swap was something with the zentangle PUF. I am really enjoying these tangles.

I will be posting tomorrow- on that jerk Columbus's holiday- for a lunes lunacy- the gripe will be very similar to a gripe or five I have made before. Feel free to link to my McLinky tomorrow and gripe along with me.

TTYL! K

Just a quick quip tonight

2010-10-08T19:14:00.000-07:00

What I made for dinner..........

It's usually a summer food that my mom used to make- and I didn't take any pictures before I ate it all- But I want to share the recipe...

I have no measurements....

a bag of frozen spinach ( I suppose you could use fresh?) thawed
a can of cream of mushroom soup
ground beef or ground turkey
pita bread

I browned the ground turkey and added some onion flakes, garlic, salt and pepper
then dumped in the spinach- sometimes I need to squeeze the spinach out because it's too wet when it thaws
then added the soup straight from the can- and mixed it all
don't forget to say "boil. boil. toil and trouble" because it's october

put a few slices of cheese or shredded cheese on top if you want

shove into a pita and eat

My kids, sho don't eat spinach, like this with the ground beef.

TTYL!K

Hellooo! Fellow Bloggers!

2010-10-07T06:01:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my blog. I usually discuss mundane things, stuff in my head, and bits of crafts. BUT, today, since some of you are followers of Mrs. B, I would love to show you some pretty images I found via Google search- most of them have been posted at one time or another on a website called Sexy Witch. The images are from various artists, and might be copyrighted- Especially the ones by famous people like Vargas. By the way, I like art.

Here's a few images, then a giveaway. If ypu wanna know what I normally write about, check out my other posts :)

(Coop)

Remember ladies- we can't all be Vargas pin-ups, some of us are Coop Pin-ups-

But you sure are all B00-ti-ful!

and in honor of your visit, and of Pin-ups, I am giving this away:

It's a quilt block (or puzzle) ball- handmade and washable. Here's da rulz:

Say hi in the comment section. Hopefully you have an email or website I can link to.
then come back on the 18th when I have another giveaway through Mrs. B's website, I'll announce the new giveaway and the winner for the ball then.

Yiddish words for L

2010-10-06T17:46:00.000-07:00

ABC Wednesday! Hello!

Leck, shmeck - Done superficially (lick, smell)

L'chei-im, le'chayim! - To life!

Lobbus - Little monster

Luch in kup - A hole in the head ( " I need this like a luch in kup").

Everytime I hear L'cheim, I start singing the fiddler on the roof song in my head!

One day when my kid was fairly young and cute ( do not let his looks fool you), He decided to put my purse into his swimming pool and squish it repeatedly until it was fully saturated.
I am sure I yelled something similar to, but less lyrical than,
" You little Lobbus! I need this like I need a Luch in kup!" and then I gave him a leck, smeck type of mommy glare, as I can't stay mad at his cuteness.

Come back tomorrow! I have a giveaway and a lot of pretties!

Today I am giving away a blog award I recieved!

yes, it says Zombie Rabbit award!

Lisa F from Peripheral Perceptions passed it moi, because I am halloweeny! I thought it would be perfect to pass to some of the new witchy blogs I have discovered!

Judith at Merlin's magical Mistress!

and The Wandering Broom!

are my newest blog discoveries and I have been enjoying them! come get your Zombie award!

See you all tomorrow- I am going to see if Blogger will actually post the post I plan for tomorrow at the right time, not tonight when I push post, but when I set my timer for. It hasn't worked lately for me.

TTYL< K!

It just had to be Tuesday, didn't it?

2010-10-05T14:46:00.000-07:00

I went looking through the thesaurus for a nice word for conglomeration or random crap. I needed a t-word for Tuesday alliteration. All I could find was Tuesday trove. It doesn't sound as good as Monday Miscellany. But Monday is already Lunes Lunacy until I run out of things to grump about.

So, here's a pile of randomness- a trove of tales, per se.
Exactly what does per se mean?

For anyone Witchy or interested in religious issues- You HAVE to read this blog today. It's infuriating and sad. Lyn shows us how some religions are just never taken seriously and how some people have an issue with "one-up-manship"

I've been fixated on Zentangles, and I signed up for a ATC swap with a zentangle on Swap bot. For those artists out there who feel like collecting and trading art, including artist trading cards- try swapbot. I got fixated on the zentangle blogs in my side bar ----> For hours last night. As soon as I am done posting stuff today on boyfriend's shopping site, I am going to tangle my heart out. Here's a few I practiced last night. It is very relaxing.

The makers of zentangles actually host fabulous art workshops where they create huge zentangles and manuscripted letters. I also want to try zentangle mandalas. You can be registered as a zentangle teacher after going through a series of classes- how cool is that? This would be right up my alley- teaching and art.

Another thing I have done is create a book to cover my nook. I was going to buy one- but why buy one when you can make one with stuff you have lying around? I used and old journal I was sweetly given but not going to write in, and fabric I already had. A little bit of clear elastic and some sewing and wahlaa!

I sewed a suprise that will be a give-away on Mrs. B's blog around mid month. I also have done a bit of planning for Mrs. B's hoarde to visit me on Thursday. If you don't understand- Mrs. B is a Pagan Soccer Mom who hosts a huge blog party every October full of giveaways, guest bloggers, and a blog visit every day. I get visitors on Thursday- so I have to do a bit of baking and cleaning :)

I've been pleasantly suprised this month. I don't really talk about this- but I think I need to right now. For those of you who don't believe in magic, substitute the word prayer or wish instead of magic or spell- OK?
I decided to use the candle I won in a giveaway a few months ago. It was a wonderful attraction kit with oil, candle, and lodestone. MMMM the oil smells so good. So, a few weeks ago I pulled out the candle, annointed it with oil, and did a spell- Mine don't always rhyme, I don't buy them, I write them in my head and do what feels right- sending my intentions out into the world. For good measure, I put attraction oil on my business cards as well. Jobs have been coming in like crazy! Teachers have been requesting me. I love it. Today I did a meditation, also chose a few books to sell on amazon, let my job wishes be known and mentioned something about money for good measure. I put the books on Amazon to sell and then went outside to get the mail. In the mail my mommy had sent me some fun money, and as soon as I got inside my email beeped that I sold a book! cool, huh? The really neat thing I like about magic is that it requires you to work for what you want- I can't just say I need money and work then do nothing. I have to get online to look for jobs, give out my cards, get a good work-ethic repuation, etc. But sometimes, people like my wonderful mommy just give me an extra bonus!

Also, did I show you dotee doll faces I made?

I woke up feeling good today. I didn't get a job, but I had plans to zentangle. I'm going to write down as many patterns as I can- they remind me of quilts but without the sewing or expense of fabric. Maybe I'll manuscript a letter or mandala too. But first I am going to make Chicken and dumplings because it is rainy outside. I might bake snickerdoodles too. Then I am going to work on boyfriend's website. Then I am going to play. Fall is in the air and I am feeling groovy!
TTYL, K