Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Thoughts of the depressed

When depression comes on, one of my major thoughts is "I am going to die alone". It is a very frightening thing. In concept.

Lately I have been fighting with terms in my life because I am leaving to far away. When and if I come back..what, if anything will still be the same?

I can count on my mommy and brother. They will still be my mommy and brother.

I can count on my Tricia..though we will have catching up to do, but we will catch up.

And there are other friends that will remain close, or closish...

But it is a fact of life that things change over time. And things are promised to change over time especially if there are no promises of " I will be there" or " my thoughts are with you". No promises means no commitments. No obligations. No nothing.

My mommy will die before me. Perhaps even my brother because he is older. My kids will have their own life and may or may not like me. My friends will have children and grand children.

I will go away, come back someday, see those that share heart strings with me.

I will grow old. Most likely alone, except for too many cats. I will die and decay. Become liquid soaking into my couch. My neighbors will notice the smell and the starving cats.

My only salvation in this depression is that I am angry. I picture myself rotting and someone who should have cared more having to deal with my decay. They will feel guilty and slightly nauseated. The smell will never leave them. I will feel no more.

Isn't depression fun?


LorenaMorena said...

I promise to be here when you return! The ugly sock creatures you have created for my children will greet you at the door, and the authentic frijoles will be warm.

Count on Juanito grilling in celebration of your return because whether you like it or not, this family adores you!

Carol said...

There is always that chance of dying alone, and it can be frightening. But - when you die you will be at peace, you will not know the stench or any of the rest of it. Your friends and loved ones will always be your friends and loved ones, no matter where you meet. And you know even if you married or had a life partner, you could still die alone. Life offers no guarantees. But that day is far away, and you have many adventures to discover yet, many more friends, many more places, much more to love.