Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Body Changes

I'm very excited that Ragen's book "Fat: the Owner's Manual" (http://danceswithfat.wordpress.com/2012/08/11/the-size-im-supposed-to-be/) is waiting at home for me.

Changing body sizes is a hard thing to do alone. I know, I have great friends and family who accept me as I am, and who understand that I studied the decision to never diet again before I did so. I also know it would be fine and my choice to stop dieting without studying. As Ragen says, "I am boss of my own underpants". But I know there are others who might cringe at the weight I have gained.

See the belly?

I might go in circles here as I try to collect my thoughts....

I like me. I like my body. The fat would not bother me if I weren't constantly told that it is bad or ugly. Most days I can ignore these messages and know that I am damn cute as I am. I wouldn't say sexy, I don't think I could ever pull off sexy no matter what my weight...but cute, heck yes!

Gaining weight reminds me a lot like pregnancy. I am getting bigger, I can't seem to change that and don't think I should anyway. My body feels different, it moves differently. I feel more substantial, I have a handy place to set a plate. Shaving becomes yoga. My chonies look like a sail for a dingy. I have boobs. All like when I was pregnant.

But unlike pregnancy, I can't really discuss this and share it with some people. Boyfriend would probably not giggle at the chance to wield a razor for me. He won't want to express suprise (as I have) at my new back fat. (it just appeared one day). I can't ask my friend what she does about chub rub (deodorant on the thighs...godsend). Any discussion about my changing body would open conversation as to why I am allowing it to change (why I don't just starve myself to get to a publicly ideal weight again). Whereas we all know why preggies go through changes.

Then I go through discussions with myself. Yes, I am worried that I will never stop gaining weight, and I don't think I can be healthy at 400 pounds. Yes, I want to integrate exercise into each day. Yes, I want to keep eating loads of veggies. Yes, I should eat brown rice and wheat pasta.

Yes, I want to separate all this from weight.

This decision feels like a lonely one. It saddens me to think that I am worrying about what people in my life will or do think.

But I will tell you, even skinnier, I had the same damn body issues and questions of self value. At least now, I am not starving my brain and screwing with my body to fit into society's narrow view of health or beauty.

One point for me!

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