Friday, December 2, 2011

another wine (or whine) induced epiphany

I know- the last I wrote, and probably the thousand times before that I was crabby and complainy.  I complain to you because I am certain my friends will eventually grow tired of it an want to hit me over the head and tell me to grow up.  I am 40 after all.  But this way- you only have to hear my bull$h!t voluntarily.

I've been making silly sock monsters for the last month- and am still working diligently on them, so I've been sewing rather than writing or reading.

But I had a nice whine, erm, I mean, wine induced epiphany tonight.  It's got to do with men and love, so go now while you can!  No?  some of you are still here? Okay.  Then, I'll probably just tell you what you have already figured out about me.  or what someone, maybe even me during another wine induced moment of brilliance, has said.

I have a bad relationship with men and the idea of love.  I blame it on chemical makeup and modern society.  I'd like to say it all started freshman year with my first love, but I am sure we can just blame it all on my father.  No- Not my mother- because she's the chick that showed me strength and love and forever unconditionally loving and adoring her children- my mother is, and always will be, in all her non-perfect humanness, a perfect saintly hero woman to me.  Nope- it's the father, who we have already heard some wonderful stories of.  But also, it's modern culture- Of course, it can't be my own fault... sheesh.

I grew up in the 80s...meaning, my formative years of love and lust primarily happened then.  The ideas of men/fathers/ husbands in the 80s were: Homer Simpson, Al Bundy, and the guy from wonder years.  Oh- there were a few nice butlers or widowers (Mr. Belvedere, Silver Spoons) raising kids, and a heck of a lot of strong chicks with/ without kids (Designing women, golden girls, Kate and Allie), and a few seemingly harmless yet powerless dads ruled by their kids (family matters, family ties)....but the role of women in a man's life was outlined much like 2 1/2 men has outlined it for kids today. (BTW- I am sure I am stuck in this stage as Erickson suggests- and have yet to move anywhere near adulthood.  Apparently, when I figure out how to love and trust, I can then move up to where most 20 year olds are, and then another stage, and then on to being a real adult.  I suspect it will take a few more lives for that)

Al Bundy- women are for lusting after, as long as they are not your wife- your wife is for despising and is just another way to lose money.  Homer Simpson agrees.  The guy from wonder years just seems like he's always ready to beat someone and he scares me to death.

What's 2 1/2 men taught us?  The cool guy uses women for sex, the only valuable women is a loose one with a size 2 body and fake boobs,  and the nerdy guy is the one who wants a relationship.  Strong women are harpies and bitches with no souls, fat women smoke pot and eat doughnuts.

So, I date.  I look for love through boyfriends.  Daddy left me, step daddy was a big jerk idiot pig, who left me- blah blah blah blah.

I marry early with the hope of forever.  I make sure forever doesn't happen because I ruin our relationship.

I marry again.  I stay with this one almost 20 years.  I have babies.  But it still amazes me that a man could love deeply and forever.  That a man could love Me even though I am size 4-20, depending on the year.  That a man could be loyal and adoring.  Oh, yes, he promised me...and I started to believe it a little bit.

Then, I felt left.  He'd rather hang with the person I called his girlfriend.  He wasn't acting as a spouse or father.  He might not agree- but I can tell you, this was the breaking point.  I could handle fights and disrespect- But he LEFT me in his heart for a while- for HER.  So I left.

and now I have a nice decent boyfriend.  But I can't always believe it.  I sometimes have a hard time seeiing through his younger clubbing years.  If he liked watching those skinny big boobed chicks in wet t-shirts, how the hell can I ever compare?  and he's made a few stupid comments, that he probably thought innocent, that have stuck in my mind and keep replaying and replaying and replaying (damn stupid comments that make me want to smack him upside the damn head)- is he another one of them?  He tells me now he loves me, but will his heart and penis go elsewhere?    how can I throw my wholeself into this, when he is just gonna leave anyway?  I know men don't love fully- especially grey haired forty year old chunky saggy women.  The men I have trusted have taught me that.

oh no- I am not only blaming the pigs in my life.  I know it is me, as well.  I have lost the optimism I grew in my younger years.  My inward dialogue is always negative and wrong.  I talk like crap to myself and about the world around me.  I wish I could regain my youthful happiness.  I wish I could harness that sunbeam I seemed to ride as a child.  I know what a pain in the ass I am to those who have to hear this dialogue come out as whines and grumps.  So, to the world, I am sorry, and to the men who think Charlie Sheen is cool- double freaking eff you!