Sunday, September 11, 2011

Fat, and how I dance with it.

ah- I'm eating my shoe.  I still need my foot.  Or maybe, it's I'm eating my hat.  Whatever.  I was wrong.  Misinformed.  Misconstrued.  Occasionally, Ms. Alanius.

Remember this picture?  and remember how I assumed these women were all unhealthy?  and remember how I was not that accepting?  Even though I am also fat? (yes I am- I know it, fat, not obese, chunky, curvacious, etc, etc).  I was one of those people I hate.  I probably judged these women, even if only a little bit, I judged.  I should go reread that post, since I don't know exactly what I said.

I've had lots of "I'm fat" gripes on here.  This summer, I've seemed to come to terms with it (except that one really hot day where my thighs rubbed and I got a rash).  Other than that, I feel better about not counting calories, not obsessing, not feeling guilty.  I bought clothes that fit and look good on my body (thanks for yoga topped pants).

Then, two days ago, I found Dianne Sylvan.  She wrote the book "Body Sacred".  I am waiting for my library to get it transferred so I can read it.  She suggested a website called "Dances with Fat".  Both talk about a movement called Healthy at Any Size, and discuss issues and fallacies connected to being fat.  I still have to read more into healthy at any size, but what I have read so far has been very inspiring to me to look at my diet.

(Minor digression) My brudder and I just watched a documentary called "Fat, sick, and nearly dying".  It's about a guy who lost weight and all his medical issues through juicing.  He did a juice fast for 60 days.  It has inspired my brudder to juice.  It lead me to think about more veggies and way less meat.  I've been meatless(and beer/wineless) for 3.5 days.

Why'd I digress?  Fat,sick decides that his weight loss and super nutrients are what solved his issues.  maybe it wasn't weight loss.  maybe weight loss was just a side effect of what looks like a 1,400 calorie a day diet. yes, fat sick looks great, feels great.  Maybe that had a lot to do with him eating better- less crap.

That's what Dances with Fat talks about.  And she discusses causation/correlation issues with being fat and medical issues.  She uses facts and figures, published medical articles, and pure intelligence as proof.  She's also a vegan, which amazes me.  Here's an article that is worth reading :
actually her whole blog is worth reading. (the picture above was on her blog)

Does this mean I'm gonna go all willynilly and eat crap and not worry about gaining weight? Nope.  It means I'm going to continue my quest at eating healthy and not worry about weight.  So there.  I'm not counting calories.  I'm not drinking just shakes.  I'm not starving.  I'm not labeling things as bad.  I'm not limiting rice because I love it.  I'm not eating Atkins style.  I'm making sense of things like I used to- primarily I'm eating foods that make me feel healthy and good.  I love veggies, pile them on.  Fried, I know isn't great, so I'll eat it only when I neeeeeed it. (same with icecream).  I am limiting my meat.  But I'm good with that- it doesn't make me feel like I am denying myself when I limit meat.

I almost have the "feel good about myself" thing figured out.  Now if I can keep it going, life will be just about perfect.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Say Yes!

Yesterday, I hopped on a plane and flew from Long beach to San Francisco.  Not a big flight- about an hour- and not a lot of money because the kind Jet Blue was having a sale.   My brudder picked me up at the airport at about 3.  We hopped on down to fisherman’s wharf just to hang out while waiting for a 9 pm concert.

First, we had to find a parking spot, and one that did not cost a zillion dollars.  We found one lot labeled “10$ all day”, and pulled in there.  The kid “running” the place (that was a proper use of quotation marks) told us that we were oversized and wanted $20.…but then, strangely, he bartered with us until we were back to $10.  He was hanging out with a bunch of friends and we questioned if he even worked there, or if he was just taking money as a scam.  This was brought up later, when we went back to brudder’s truck, and there was a machine to pay the money to.  We will never know.

We walked around pier 39, I’ll have pictures to show you if my phone will let me.  We saw sea lions (I LOVE them!), and Alcatraz.  We sat down and had a beer.  Brudder asked after his first beer from the abrupt waiter, ”What’s a (normally cheap in cost) beer cost compared to (the more expensive one he was drinking)?”  Waiter laughed at him and told him people never asked what beer costs at that establishment.  Brudder left no tip as we paid for beers.

We then walked on to enjoy a nice Ben and Jerry's ice cream a block away.  A few blocks after that, we meandered into a pub and had a nice irish beer.  Then walked back and around in circles until we decided on clam chowder in a bread bowl and some delicious iced teas.  Oh! and goat cheese with pesto mmm.  We still had time to kill so we checked out a warm art museum with photos by Rodney Lough (breathtaking).

Finally We headed toward the concert, which took place in a fairly famous bar (The Bottom of the Hill).  But first we stopped at Ross and PetCo to look around (grin).  We watched a celloist band, then a band called "Wild Pack of Canaries" (I must download them), and finally the band we came to see, Avi Buffalo.

see the cute girl in stripes?  My brudder was her fourth grade teacher. The band was great to see, and I really enjoyed myself.  As  I always do with my brother.

But this blog isn't about my day- this blog is about seizing the moment and doing something- saying yes for once.  Some people don't agree with this, but then, a lot of people don't seem to respect any choices I have made for myself.

(just erased a large paragraph about people weighing and judging and their lack of respect and love for humans and mothers.  Just erased a huge tirade that makes me want to kick capitalist testicles. Just erased a huge amount of anger basically saying that you can't tell me that your cross is heavier than mine because you haven't carried mine and never will.  Just erased the summary of why I hate most people and will continue to hate them)

Anyway- for so many years I was an at home mom.  In a family that didn't have a lot of money to spend, and with a husband who worked a lot of hours to support said family, so I didn't feel like I had a right to expect him to care for the kids.  So I rarely went anywhere.  I rarely said yes to anything.  I spent my legal drinking years with babies, and we'd go out, yes, usually with a baby in tow, but it wasn't the same thing kids experience when they are young and unfettered.
I'd go once a year to a musical with Tricia.  Or that one time I went to the Marriot for her bachelorette party weekend.  But usually I said "no" to stuff.  I'd hunker down.  I'd try to be frugal.  I didn't experience much but the local restaurant/bar.  And that was good for me.
What wasn't good for me was that I'd stay home instead of visiting. I missed out on social connections.  I missed out on enjoying life.  I lost my magic that way.  
For a year I had vowed to say yes to everything I could.  My kids were about 12 and 7.  We went to amusement parks. We rode coasters I'd been afraid to try.  I went to all my friends' get-togethers.  I planned more than one thing to do some days even!
This brightened my life.  I felt good, I felt healthy.  I need human contact even though I am a hermit.
So, I could decide that I want to work all summer.  I could get some part time job if one were available (big IF).  I could stay at home and say no to going to my mom's and going places with my bro- but I realize something.  I realize that I need this for my soul.  I need this for my magic.  I NEED this.  and that should be enough for you.