Friday, June 10, 2011

Emotions go awry

I'm feeling way emotional. It could be partially because I am getting sick. It could also be because I've been working with sixth graders all week and I am exhausted. It could also be that crap is going on in my life again. as usual.
My kids abandoned me. dumped me. Dropped me on facebook without a word. It hurts. I'm devastated. I'm angry.
I'm not a happy camper.

My mom writes this in her blog yesterday
"In the past couple of weeks, two friends have died suddenly. Alone, with no one to hold them as they took their last breaths. One of them had died some time before he was found. Alone. With no one to grasp his outstretched hand, reaching for warmth, for that last evidence of being important to someone. Reaching, but grasping nothing. No one there to share with, no one there to say “I care”."

and I think- "I'm going to die alone!"

I'm already freaked out about the uncertainty of life. I have a job, but not a career as yet. California's budget doesn't promise me a career anytime soon. I live in a home that might not be here for me forever. I feel like a 39 yr old loser.

I adore my boyfriend. I could see a happily ever after with him, I can see him as a friend and partner.
He loves me. He tells me he'll love me forever. He means that. We've both had loves and heartbreaks and know that love goes on forever. But relationships don't.
So he can't promise me anything.
That's sad.
He won't lie to me. That's good. He won't promise to be with me forever because he doesn't trust that it will happen. Life screws things up. His life is as uncertain as mine.
But I kinda want a promise. I want to feel secure that I won't die alone. That I have a rock and a safe harbor. An anchor. and other boating references.

dumb, huh? Childish and clingy. That he's here now should be enough. That I am fabulous all by myself should be enough.

6 comments:

Lydia said...

Absolutely not dumb at all. You want security, and that is natural. And he should be more than willing to offer that. Every relationship in the world is one big, fat leap of faith. There are no definites. But if one person feels a seed of doubt, there needs to be emotional support from the other. You deserve that.

SuziCate said...

No, it is not dumb! Everyone wants to feel secure, loved, and appreciated. And though we don't know the future, very few truly want to be alone. I hope you find all your heart desires.

Linda in New Mexico said...

What you feel is natural. We all want to be secure and wanted and part of someone and something. But as I have said to my own daughter who has voiced similar feelings and thoughts to yours....she is the one that holds the key to the rest of her life. No one else. Be good to you first. Love yourself.
I know, I know, shut up....but it is true. Self love is like that guy in the movies who built the baseball diamond in the corn field....build it and they will come. The Olde Bagg

petoskystone said...

..did you ask why your kids dumped you fb? i would. life sucks sometimes, doesn't it? being alone in death isn't a pleasant thought, but there you are....that's life. the best you can do is to make a promise to be with your mom/boyfriend/whomever & do your best to fulfill that promise. that's the best your boyfriend can do for you. to have someone willing to make these promises is awesome :)

Pallas Renatus said...

Two weeks ago I wouldn't have understood this post as I do now. Oddly enough, nothing really significant has happened, but the little things that I'd normally brush off have been making me feel exactly the way you describe. Only on my end, there's no significant other to offer any sense of comfort.

This too shall pass, though. Hang in there, you'll find your assorted boating references.

Imagination Cakes said...

K life is full of the unknown. It's what we do with our lives and who we share it with. I too worry like you, but we never know what will happen to us. I live in the comfort the thought that I have touched the lives of the people I leave behind. Weather it be my husband, children, or any other person. I know I will continue to live through them and there memories.