Friday, June 10, 2011

Emotions go awry

I'm feeling way emotional. It could be partially because I am getting sick. It could also be because I've been working with sixth graders all week and I am exhausted. It could also be that crap is going on in my life again. as usual.
My kids abandoned me. dumped me. Dropped me on facebook without a word. It hurts. I'm devastated. I'm angry.
I'm not a happy camper.

My mom writes this in her blog yesterday
"In the past couple of weeks, two friends have died suddenly. Alone, with no one to hold them as they took their last breaths. One of them had died some time before he was found. Alone. With no one to grasp his outstretched hand, reaching for warmth, for that last evidence of being important to someone. Reaching, but grasping nothing. No one there to share with, no one there to say “I care”."

and I think- "I'm going to die alone!"

I'm already freaked out about the uncertainty of life. I have a job, but not a career as yet. California's budget doesn't promise me a career anytime soon. I live in a home that might not be here for me forever. I feel like a 39 yr old loser.

I adore my boyfriend. I could see a happily ever after with him, I can see him as a friend and partner.
He loves me. He tells me he'll love me forever. He means that. We've both had loves and heartbreaks and know that love goes on forever. But relationships don't.
So he can't promise me anything.
That's sad.
He won't lie to me. That's good. He won't promise to be with me forever because he doesn't trust that it will happen. Life screws things up. His life is as uncertain as mine.
But I kinda want a promise. I want to feel secure that I won't die alone. That I have a rock and a safe harbor. An anchor. and other boating references.

dumb, huh? Childish and clingy. That he's here now should be enough. That I am fabulous all by myself should be enough.