dirty laundry- Imma airin' it

I've had some fabulous posts running in my head for brief bursts these last few weeks. I've been a bit moody (who me?) and I little in need of a vacation from life. The people I live with will just ruin a good drunk, so that vacational trip is a no-no.

So, I'm gonna bitch to you. Then, I'll turn around an post a second and a third entry to magically appear tomorrow that are less bitchy and more good clean laundry.

My main bitch? OK- two bitches are my top one, they tied- but this one is more important. I have a family member who is sick. Lots of issues, all stemming from the big C. This member prefers to remain anonymous, I am sure, so I'll call this person "MD". MD is new in my life- though not new to this world. New as in the last 20 years (which is half my life). I really like and love MD and appreciate all MD has done with the rest of my family. MD is stubborn as hell, though. Worse than a grass/blood stain on white shorts. MD won't go for a long time and will go kicking and screaming. But the fact that MD will go someday (as well as other people I love) breaks my heart. and the fact that MD is not feeling all that great now, and has to take meds and such that make a person feel crappier is making me ache to do something to make everything better. MD is too far away to hug.

My co-main bitch? My kids. Man, all those years I raised them, as an at home mom, trying to instill the importance of love and peace and family.............and not lying, living up to what you promised, to responsibilities, learning to balance.
Backstory- you probably already know it but, ~ I left the kids' dad. I got a new boyfriend. It's been 2 1/2 years and things are still shaky with the kids. They stayed with their dad. They all moved 3 states away (too far on a scooter), about 6 months ago. The ex and I go through a cycle of friendship to I've pissed him off somehow so he is rude to me. The kids and I talk mostly as if we are acquaintances. For mother's day I got a text. + for 10 years now (or more) the kids and I have taken an annual trip to grandma's in Oregon, along with their uncle. Last year they went for a very short time, but they went.
Now- My son promised as he left to in January that he'd be at Grandma's this summer. PROMISED. But it is so easy to dis your mom via email/text/ fb message. I can't force them to go. I'm already the bad and evil mom that they don't have to love or respect. My mother gets the side effects of this as she is genetically linked to me, as does my brother.
Obviously, nothing I do will repair this relationship. Nothing I have said or done while raising them made any difference. I know teen-agers are apt to be self centered, but proper parenting should negate that a bit. Obviously, it has to be via both parents who are in the home. OH_ It's all so obvious! yet i put my heart out there again and again to be stomped. I'm thinking I need to take my heart back. But that would just make me really the bad mother, wouldn't it? They could then be telling the truth when they claimed mommy wrote them off when they were teens, abandoned them, etc....... Do I sacrifice myself just in order to claim I was a good mother?

There are days SBF and I butt heads. There are days nothing I say is right. There are days he wants to change me and control me. and that isn't cool at all. There are days I wanna chill with wine, but wine means I am an alcoholic. Wine makes me surly, apparently. Maybe it does- but not without provocation. OH those days- did Cinderella have those days in her happily ever after? How do we know this is our happily ever after?

My scooter is acting surly herself. She's got about 6,000 miles on her. She needs an oil change. She's cranky. I found a scooter place near here- When payday rolls around, or perhaps after my summer job ends, I'll go on down there with her and see if they can make her better or if I need to retire her.

But- my cursor is acting nice right now. Knock on wood.