Last night I had some crappy dreams. In one, I had a baby whose diapers kept ripping, and I found out someone was cutting the sides so they would rip. I, and the people who were with me, needed to go somewhere 11 hours away, and somehow they all took off without me, and with my phone. I was stuck trying to drive a very heavy and too tall motorcycle without money or a phone for 11 hours! I couldn't figure out how to shift and I fell.
Crappy dreams usually mean something is going on in my life that I am upset about but can't deal with. I know what I am upset about. My kids are moving 3 states away with their dad. You've never heard me talk crap about their dad. Today I just might.
Last month he called me to tell me he missed me. This didn't surprise me because we have maintained a decent friendship after the divorce. Then he told me that he still wanted to grow old with me. How sweeet, right? This was heartbreaking to me. I left for a reason and I really don't think I could go back. I do miss family- especially with my kids. I miss my own home. I miss being a wife and full time mom. But that's not enough for me to go running back to him. I told him that. I told him that I was sorry, I don't want to hurt him again, and his flirting really makes my heart ache. He told me he was just flirting, it was a joke, and he and the kids would not want me to live under their roof again. Ouch! Here I was worrying about his feelings.
Who is gonna worry about mine?
Did he worry about my feelings when my car broke down on the freeway and I had my 2 year old daughter with me? We had been working at cleaning a house and we looked cruddy and practically homeless. I called him, I was ten miles away from home, and the car wasn't going anywhere. He had no car- but he had a phone and people he knew with cars- could he help me? No, he couldn't. He had to go get our son from school. I'd find a way home. I took a ride from a stranger. he had a carseat and cracker crumbs all over his car. He seemed safe. I made it home safely- without the ex's help.
Did he worry about my feelings when he was angry and upset at the world? Did he stifle his thoughts because he knew they were untrue? How many times did I hear how I was nothing because I was just an at home mom? I made no money so I was worthless? How many times was I taken for granted?
And now- The kids needed to be checked out of school. School says only the parent that checked them in can check them out. He needs to fly in early from where he is living to check the kids out. I only get one day a week with my kids, and they are leaving. I get to rush through dinner so he won't be mad that he has to wait for them at the airport a couple of minutes. Plus, the kids think he has full custody of them. I have nothing.
For the record, I must go look at the divorce papers- I recall 50/50 custody with the kids deciding to live with dad - he had the house, the toys, I had a boyfriend and was the fault of the break-up.
The major gripe? He posts on facebook: I have to go pick up the kids who I have custody of... What the heck? Why do you need to point that out? trying to impress someone? trying to look like the good parent or cool dad? Trying to hurt me.again?
Then he gripes they weren't on time to pick him up at the airport. He knew they were with me. He knew this is the last time I get to see them until most likely summer. Deal with it, jerk.
When do I get treated like a human? when do I get a pat on the back for being there every moment and taking care of all their needs until I left? I was an at home mom for 11 years. I was sole feeder, diaper changer, booboo kisser. I was the even temper, rule setter, fun mommy. I was a good wife. Running errands, cooking dinner, cleaning house, making a house a home. Ex even admitted (he was probably drunk) that he didn't realize how much I did.
And yet- he is still making me out to be the bad guy. I started dating quickly after the divorce- Boyfriend is a friend I knew from high school and someone I went out with for drinks. Ex assumes I cheated and left for Boyfriend. Lets play devils advocate- OK? What if I did? Was the marriage whole and good if I looked elsewhere? Many can tell you I didn't leave for boyfriend- I was out the door already.
So, I am the bad guy. I have no redeeming values, and my kids have major issues with me. Ex says he doesn't bad-mouth me in front of the kids, be he also doesn't root for me, does he? he doesn't point out to the kids what I put into the family and how I was taken for granted. He doesn't remember his negative points and tears he put into the marriage. He is happy to think it is all my fault.
I was almost Ok with that- I think my kids will come around as the grow older. We were going out and getting along. They were seeing that their dad is demanding and impatient. But now ex isn't just thinking. Ex is voicing. Ex is taking my kids three states away where I will have little affect on them and he will burrow into their brains.
*for the record- my kids do not read this blog unless I bring it up for them and ask them to read it. Right now, they are packing a van to move and are not on facebook or the internet. I am am 99% certain that they will not read this, so I am not badmouthing their dad to them. I wouldn't do that. I don't want them to think negatively about their dad because of me. Even as kids, if they griped about him, I tried to tell them his side. If later, they decide they don't like some of his traits- that's their decision. But I don't want my opinion swaying theirs.