Friday, January 28, 2011

Gripes- major ones

Last night I had some crappy dreams.  In one, I had a baby whose diapers kept ripping, and I found out someone was cutting the sides so they would rip.  I, and the people who were with me, needed to go somewhere 11 hours away, and somehow they all took off without me, and with my phone.  I was stuck trying to drive a very heavy and too tall motorcycle without money or a phone for 11 hours! I couldn't figure out how to shift and I fell.
Crappy dreams usually mean something is going on in my life that I am upset about but can't deal with.  I know what I am upset about.  My kids are moving 3 states away with their dad.  You've never heard me talk crap about their dad.  Today I just might.

Last month he called me to tell me he missed me.  This didn't surprise me because we have maintained a decent friendship after the divorce.  Then he told me that he still wanted to grow old with me.  How sweeet, right? This was heartbreaking to me.  I left for a reason and I really don't think I could go back.  I do miss family- especially with my kids.  I miss my own home.  I miss being a wife and full time mom.  But that's not enough for me to go running back to him.  I told him that.  I told him that I was sorry, I don't want to hurt him again, and his flirting really makes my heart ache.  He told me he was just flirting, it was a joke, and he and the kids would not want me to live under their roof again.  Ouch!  Here I was worrying about his feelings.

Who is gonna worry about mine?

Did he worry about my feelings when my car broke down on the freeway and I had my 2 year old daughter with me?  We had been working at cleaning a house and we looked cruddy and practically homeless.  I called him, I was ten miles away from home, and the car wasn't going anywhere.  He had no car- but he had a phone and people he knew with cars- could he help me?  No, he couldn't.  He had to go get our son from school.  I'd find a way home.  I took a ride from a stranger.  he had a carseat and cracker crumbs all over his car.  He seemed safe.  I made it home safely- without the ex's help.

Did he worry about my feelings when he was angry and upset at the world?  Did he stifle his thoughts because he knew they were untrue?  How many times did I hear how I was nothing because I was just an at home mom?  I made no money so I was worthless?  How many times was I taken for granted? 

And now- The kids needed to be checked out of school.  School says only the parent that checked them in can check them out.  He needs to fly in early from where he is living to check the kids out.  I only get one day a week with my kids, and they are leaving.  I get to rush through dinner so he won't be mad that he has to wait for them at the airport a couple of minutes.  Plus, the kids think he has full custody of them.  I have nothing.

For the record, I must go look at the divorce papers- I recall 50/50 custody with the kids deciding to live with dad - he had the house, the toys, I had a boyfriend and was the fault of the break-up.

The major gripe?  He posts on facebook: I have to go pick up the kids who I have custody of... What the heck?  Why do you need to point that out?  trying to impress someone?  trying to look like the good parent or cool dad?  Trying to hurt me.again? 

Then he gripes they weren't on time to pick him up at the airport.  He knew they were with me.  He knew this is the last time I get to see them until most likely summer.  Deal with it, jerk.

When do I get treated like a human?  when do I get a pat on the back for being there every moment and taking care of all their needs until I left?  I was an at home mom for 11 years.  I was sole feeder, diaper changer, booboo kisser.  I was the even temper, rule setter, fun mommy.  I was a good wife.  Running errands, cooking dinner, cleaning house, making a house a home.  Ex even admitted (he was probably drunk) that he didn't realize how much I did. 

And yet- he is still making me out to be the bad guy.  I started dating quickly after the divorce- Boyfriend is a friend I knew from high school and someone I went out with for drinks.  Ex assumes I cheated and left for Boyfriend.  Lets play devils advocate- OK?  What if I did?  Was the marriage whole and good if I looked elsewhere?  Many can tell you I didn't leave for boyfriend- I was out the door already.

So, I am the bad guy.  I have no redeeming values, and my kids have major issues with me.  Ex says he doesn't bad-mouth me in front of the kids, be he also doesn't root for me, does he?  he doesn't point out to the kids what I put into the family and how I was taken for granted.  He doesn't remember his negative points and tears he put into the marriage.  He is happy to think it is all my fault.

I was almost Ok with that- I think my kids will come around as the grow older.  We were going out and getting along.  They were seeing that their dad is demanding and impatient.  But now ex isn't just thinking.  Ex is voicing.  Ex is taking my kids three states away where I will have little affect on them and he will burrow into their brains.

I worry.

*for the record- my kids do not read this blog unless I bring it up for them and ask them to read it.  Right now, they are packing a van to move and are not on facebook or the internet.  I am am 99% certain that they will not read this, so I am not badmouthing their dad to them.  I wouldn't do that.  I don't want them to think negatively about their dad because of me.  Even as kids, if they griped about him, I tried to tell them his side.  If later, they decide they don't like some of his traits- that's their decision.  But I don't want my opinion swaying theirs.

Thursday, January 27, 2011


My funny and wonderful brother said something the other day ( a day I spent with 6th graders that enjoy bad-mouthing each other) that made me think.  

I sent him that video- the one with the totally adorable asian boy singing "I'm Yours"- and told him that I wanted the kid for myself.  My brother replied "Well, he isn't singing English, and he has a freakishly amazing ability to play music at age 4, so he must be Korean- I can probably find him for you" (my bro lives in Korea).

Why'd that make me think?  Look at it again.  It's a compliment, right?  It's also a prejudicial and racial statement.  My brother rocks, he has managed to make statements like that positive.  Why don't we do that as a society?

Lemme give you some examples- and they might make some people angry- but just know that what I am about to say I might not believe and what I do believe is said with love and respect:

Instead of "Mexicans coming to the US don't bother to learn English"  why don't we say "I applaud those from Mexico that are able to learn the difficult English language and maintain their birth language as well" ?

or "Black people are all gangsters and thugs"  why not say "Black people are so good at sports"

or "White people are woosies"  becomes "White people are non-accostive"

Obviously some of the prejudice are still lies- as all people from one race are never exactly the same- but at least it's more positively prejudicial.

We could keep this positivity up whilst walking through our daily life too- huh?  That lady that just cut you off, wow, she managed to fit her big car into such a small space!  The woman doesn't need driving school- she needs an award for tetris or something.    The kid that just lied to you didn't lie, he is honing his creative storytelling skills.

No- just teasing- not like that.  Some people need to be called out for their negative actions in a constructive way.  They need to see reprecussions.

What I am saying is that we need to harp on the good traits our people (friends, family, class, society, etc) have rather than focusing on the negative.  My mom's cat Lily should be appreciated for her spunk and entertainment qualities.  I might not have mopped today- but you can appreciate that I cooked dinner and looked pretty while doing it.  The dinner might not have been fatty and greasy like you like, but it was healthy and your stomach will thank me later.

You get the picture?  good.  My brain just stopped working.  I couldn't give any more examples.
There are a lot of these nice "programs" out there- operation nice, post it notes, etc....all trying to get people to be kind and complimentary.  it's good for everybody's souls.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Ms. O(mg)

News from the classroom this week: A sixth grader decided I shouldn't be Ms.O but instead, I should be Ms.OMG- I love it!

Today I worked with 2nd graders. Second graders are normally cool. It's kind of funny to see them interact with friends because some of the time you get glimpses of them, and some of the time they become their parents. Today I had a second grader whose parents I probably wouldn't like- because I sure as heck couldn't bring myself to like her- not even one iota. I tried- I usually can find good in anyone and I usually end up adoring even the most difficult children. Not this one. I couldn't see any redeeming quality in her.

She was bossy. She was pushy. She was the chunky puppy in the litter that steals all the food. She was ogre or troll, and here I was without my troll cross! She was whiney. She knew everything. She had no qualms about telling you that she knew everything. She expected immediate obedience or she sighed a big sigh. She expected pity for a tiny dot of a boo boo. I can't pity a troll who isn't really hurt.

One child was in charge of the heater. I was his job to turn the switch on or off according to my direction. I asked that kid to turn off the heater. He got up and walked over to the switch. Trollgirl jumped out of her chair, flew across the room, pushed him to the side, and tried to turn off the switch herself. He said "It's my job, I was getting it." She said (with a big troll sigh) "you were taking too long, hurrumph.".

I can see how her parents must talk to her. They must push her aside if she doeesn't immediately get what they are asking, or do things quickly enough. They must berate her for her slowness. They must stomp through life with their big green troll feet smashing everything in the pathway.

I'm not one to always blame the parents, though we are very much a product of our environment. Home is the environment in which we spend the greatest amount of shaping time. We might be at school more often, but we change teachers and don't care what they think as much as we care what our parents think.

In this instance, I can clearly see her mimicking her parents. They have to be the ones that modeled impatience and bullying. Or, at the very least, they allow (and therefore propogate) this behavior from her thinking it is cute. It's not. She was quite ugly on the inside already. In second grade (7 years old!)- how sad.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

a cuter smile

yesterday's video didn't do it for you?  try this one :) g rated

Saturday, January 22, 2011

When gloomy, cheer up!

this song always makes me laugh- so I thought I'd share it- it's rated PG or R for content (I rated it for you)

Thursday, January 20, 2011

What I am Reading

I ordered a few book after the holidays because my mommy gave me a barnes and noble gift card.  It was wonderful to blow a little money on books!
I've told you about the first book of symbols.  I'm still enjoying it.  But I also got the book above- Illustrated Guide to Crystals by Judy Hall.  I've really enjoyed this one as well.  I found out Rhodochrosite helps inner ear infections, so I ordered a pandora type bead of it last night- I can use it on my bracelet after I make the crystal water with it for my ear.  I also saw a lapis lazuli bead and ordered it.  I then looked it up- it helps Vertigo! Which is what the inner ear infection is causing- kismet!
The third book I ordered I am a little sad about.  But I'll get tto that after I explain why I chose these books.

I am really tired of "how to be a Witch/Wiccan" books.  They say the same thing as the last book.  I don't use other people's spells- it's not quite the same as making your own.  So, I decided to get the information that will help me rather than get the already made stuff.  I ordered the symbols, crystal, and an herb book for this reason.

The herb book is one by Scott Cunningham.  I am always a bit bothered that he tries to apply the "Harm None"  to all witches, as that is merely a Wiccan rede, not the rule of all witches.  But, that's not what I am gonna grump about.
In his book, he states that you can get essential oils or aroma oils.  One is real (essential) and one type is man-made (aroma).  He says you can use either for a spell.  As long as it smells good, use it!!!!! he says.  That, I consider, is a lie.  If a recipe calls for butter, you can't necessarily throw in margarine- it'll change the taste.  If my car needs oil, I can't pour vegetable oil into it.  Right?  The thing that really gets to me is that he is advocating the use of something unnatural in place of a nature made flora.  Sure, it might smell the same, but the chemical properties are completely different, and the oils in magic are not merely for smell!
Some of you know what I am talking about, others don't or don't care to- but the whole gist of it is, if you are a well known writer in a certain genre that requires truth and accuracy, then you should speak truthfully and accurately!

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Heavy, dude

Oddly, I talked about weight yesterday, and then this new show came on:
The premise is that they take 2 obese people to a food rehab place for a month in order to transform them-
I watched about 20 minutes of the show, and it bothered me.
For those 20 minutes, I saw fitness coaches pushing them into exercise.  They were walking, lifting weights, and doing various crunches and lunges. I should lose weight by strenuous exercise and having people check my cupboards for contraband?
What about counseling for what and why they eat?  What about teaching them to live in the real world?  Why do all these shows push for quick weight loss through pain and torture?  basically, every show I have seen forces the overweight people to work out and cut out every "bad food"  to such an extreme that they are losing 5+ pounds a week.
This isn't real life, nor is is healthy.  Remember my word for the year? Moderation!

Monday, January 17, 2011

My limit- and some TMI

I've been sick this weekend- with an inner ear infection- the world is spinning and I might fall off.  Apparently, these things happen about 2 weeks after you get a cold- and I was blessed enough to be given a cold from an annoying hacking woman on the plane behind me as I flew to my mom's.
But as I lay in bed, I realized I felt like crap for other reasons.  I hit my weight limit.  I am not longer OK where I am.  I've decided I need to take it off. 
I've been trying something this year- I've been trying not to diet- I have been watching my weight most of my life.  Dieting and gaining every 6 months to a year or so.  I have a fairly decent taste in foods- I like veggies and salads and low fat stuff, but I'm not always the chef, am I?  I've been trying to accept my weight and who I am- and really like myself for both, without a thought to changing myself.  I've been trying to be happy just being.  And it's worked OK- I don't mind looking in the mirror, I don't pick on my parts anymore- and the curves are nice.  But...
I stepped on the scale this morning- and I did a quick BMI check- if I gain any more weight I'd be in the obese section, not just overweight. In the last two years, I've gained 30 pounds!  That's bad.  It can't help my hurt ankle, sore body, or energy level either.  It might be why I am feeling yucky, am getting sick, and am exhausted.  And (here's the TMI- I've had my period twice in the last 28 days- on the 24th of december and then the 10th of January- now it's lasted over a week).   Weight might affect my immune system, hormones, and attitude.  
So, portion control and I do not really get along.  My dear friend Tricia and I were discussing that today- we both are members of the clean plate club, especially if the plate is full of deliciousness, and even if the plate refills itself.  Phentermine (the speed and non-heart killing part of phen-fen) and I kinda got along.  I zipped through three months on it and lost 90 pounds.  Problem is that I lost weight so fast I then got gallstones and needed my gallbladder out (no gall bladder=issues with fat=weight gain).  I've tried phen again and it made me feel woofy- my mom knows what I mean (woofy- a little off, lightheaded, weird). I've already tried to switch us to lower fat meat and have added veggies to my meals.  I made french dips the other day and when I cooled the broth, the meat yielded a very tiny bit of fat (less than a tsp) and I threw it out.  I make lunch at about a cup of leftovers and add a cup of veggies to the top. 
and I've gotta stop having beer at night.  One maybe, or one glass of wine- but one usually leads to three.
Tomorrow I am gonna try slimfast.  Just to get me started.  Shrink my stomach so I can eat less.  And I am walking to the store to buy the crap.  After that, I'll just have to rethink my meals and suck, because I can't live on shakes forever.
By summer, I should feel a bit younger- which is good because I'll be working with a dozen hyper kids for two weeks and I wanna play with them!
I guess now that I have written it, I have to stick to it!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Religion Revisited

Lisa F left me a comment yesterday that I just had to repost!
"Well, now that you've asked (uh oh here she goes...)
Cornelius Tactitus (55-117AD), regarded as the greatest Roman historian, wrote about Jesus' death and his followers; Mara Bar-Serapion, a Syrian from the first century wrote a letter to his son about Jews who killed their King. The letter is in the British Museum; Josephus, a first-century Roman-Jewish historian, didn't believe Jesus was Christ, but recorded him in his history books anyway. Ludian (120-180 A.D.), a Greek satirist, affirmed that Christ and his followers were real, not fictitious. There is even a Roman document fragment that mentions Pilot and Jesus in the same sentence. These are just the tip of the iceberg on ancient texts documenting the life and death of Jesus outside of the bible. As for the parallel stories, there are explanations of the wheres and whys here ("

 The link she left goes to a great argument about my post yesterday.  If you are at all interested, read it- It's contentions really do make me want to reread Timothy Freke, and see if he mentions if his insights came from dated material that were translated appropriately (much like the arguement of the English Bible not being translated exactly from the Hebrew version ie:Suffer not a witch to live)

So, if we can prove- which it appears that we surely can (This is what I've asked lots of people and no one could tell me- Thanks Lisa) that Jesus lived, and Moses lived- It is appropriate to teach the students that he was the man Christians consider the son of God, and that story has it Moses parted the sea- but I still maintain that the EE's phrasing in the books speaks as if the students all consider Jesus' Heavenly dad God.  They speak of God talking to Moses as fact.  They speak of Moses parting the sea in some, as fact.  They refer to the Christian God as God under the study of ancient places- but Zeus is Zeus under the study of ancient Myths.  See?  They still separate two religions into two categories:Truth and Myth.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Religion in the classroom?

I had some free time to read today while the 6th graders were away at PE.  I still have my cool symbol book and was reading about crosses.  It reminded me of the book by Timothy Freke "Is Jesus a Pagan God?"

Today's story in my book was about a cross, the symbol of a God.  Apparently, this guy was killed and resurrected.  Sound familiar?  Of course it does!  It's the symbol of the Sumerian sun God, Tammuz- no?  The Roman God Mithras?  what?  not him?  The Greek God Attis!  Oh you silly people- it sure it the symbol of these Gods, all of whom died and were resurrected for the sake of humanity!

This led to me thinking about a story of a baby- A cute little dude born to a virgin mommy.  God told her she was having his baby who would save the world!  That dude's name was Osiris.  His mommy was Ceres.  Yep.
"Maia, mother of Sakia and Yasoda of Chrishna; Celestine, mother of the crucified Zunis; Chimalman, mother of Quexalcote; Semele, mother of the Egyptian Bacchus, and Minerva, mother of the Grecian Bacchus; Prudence, mother of Hercules; Alcmene, mother of Alcides; Shing- Mon, mother of Yu, and Mayence, mother of Hesus, were all as confidently believed to be pure, holy and chaste virgins, while giving birth to these Gods, sons of God, Saviors and sin-atoning Mediators, as was Mary, mother of Jesus, and long before her time." (here)

This whole series of thinking strangely coincided with a student asking me "How can they teach god in the classroom?"  As she handed me her paper about Moses.
Yeah- How?
They (the education establishment) talk about Zeus and Athena by introducing them as mythos or Greek/Roman myths.  The EE  does not speak of them as if they are real and true God?ddesse/s.  Though I know of quite a few people who would.
However, the EE speaks about Moses as if he were a real and true man.  And he spoke to GOD in this story about Moses.  And he parted the red sea miraculously.
I can kind of see about talking about Moses being a real man- if there is documentation about him- maybe even talking about Jesus- if there was documentation about him.  (If you want to claim the Bible as documentation, then I would ask you to write about Hercules as a real man as well- speak of him as a real story rather than a myth- because his documentation would be a religious text as well).
Why does the EE teach the Christian story as fact, and not the others?  I get that Christianity is a cultural thing as well, as American is predominantly Christian - but we also are supposedly culturally sensitive.  The Buddhist kid in my class might not quite get why this God is real in the books and question what this bearded man might have to do with Nirvana.
Just like the EE teaches that trolls aren't real- and as you know, my ancestors would disagree.  Or that magic(K) isn't real- but a heck of a lot of you would disagree.
So, if you believe that there is no religion in the classroom (and have somehow forgotten that we force our kids to pledge to a flag and nation "under God"), then you are quite wrong.  The EE lies. They are lying liars who lie.  I'd like to either understand this, or change it.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Laziness and Such

My mom wrote a post last week about Laziness (She's on the sidebar->, Wanderings of an Elusive Mind).  It got me to thinking.  The definition of laziness is subjective, isn't it?

I'd define laziness as someone who doesn't take care of their responsibilities.  Someone who expects others to do everything for them, even if they can do it for themselves.  Someone who is slovenly and glutonous to an extreme. 

My mom has thoughts sometimes that she is lazy- because she has a lot of free time and chooses to spend it doing things she enjoys.  I think that is smart, not lazy!  I've been to her house- the bed is actually made daily, the dogs and cats are clean and fed,  the floor and counters are clean, the dishes done, the furniture pretty much dusted.  I walk in there and feel comfortable enough to sit and relax- it is not yucky.  Her bills are paid, her husband fed (even if it is just a sandwich- she still has a full fridge!)...etc. etc.  All her requirements are taken care of.  If she chooses to knit or nap after that- so be it!  If she chooses to feed herself a sandwich instead of a five course gourmet meal- so be it! whatever!

Some might call me lazy.  I don't exercise.  I sit and read or do crafts each night.  I sleep in until 10 if I am not working.  I like naps.  But- I do work when possible, I make dinner when it is my turn, I wash my own dishes, I do my own laundry, my bills are paid (pretty much- sorry ambulance guy..), my ducks are in a row.  No one does for me what I can do myself, amnd I pitch in to help others. 

Do I or does my mom walk around appearing busy?  I know people who feel the need to do this! One lives with me, and will wash my dish before I am done eating.  Just to be busy, so he feels successful and un-lazy.

I guess it breaks down into groups- those that value process, and those that value product.  I like the product that comes from making dinner or brownies.  My mom likes the product that comes from knitting- but I think we value the creative process of them more.  We do it for the enjoyment.
The people that value product seem more aggressive.  The "look what I did"ers- Ex liked to clean the kitchen and have us all come look at what he did- and we'd clap and cheer for him.  The accolades probably help the look what I didders, too.  The clean dish man I live with likes to rattle off what he accomplished everyday, to each of us in the house.  Everyday.  It makes him feel good.
I can't tell you what I did today- I worked, then I did a little of this and a little of that.  I pittered as I call it.  I do like to finish something each day- that's my accomplishment- to actually finish something rather than having a thousand half done projects laying around, I now have only 999!  But the finish is not the product- it's the fruition of the process that's the gem for me.
OH_ I babble- but at least I know what I am talking about!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Trolls, Oh My!

I ordered a really cool book called "The Element Encyclopedia of Secret Signs and Symbols" by Adele Nozedar.  My mommy gave me a Barnes and Nobles gift card so I bought a fun book.  I am thrilled with this book- so far it seems accurate and non-biased.

The above symbol is called a Troll Cross.  I thought "how weird, who needs to protect themselves against trolls?"  My ancestors worked with trolls, side by side, to build a church.  You don't believe me?  Read about Heddal Stave and the Rygi- He was my ancestor.

However, lore states that trolls are mean and nasty- ask the billy goats Gruff.  They know.  Most of you don't think trolls exist anymore- or ever existed.   But I leave nothing to certainty when it comes to mythos.  Just like it has been discovered that some people are linked to neanderthals genetically (both neanderthals and homosapians were supposed to have lived separately and not have mated), I believe somewhere along the genetic lines, somebody made a troll human baby.  Or trolls became more human like and slipped silently into society.  or maybe not so silently.

How can you spot a troll?  you all know one.  S/he's the loudmouthed pushy, powerhungry jerk in the room.  (not all of these are trolls- but I think they might all have a wee bit of troll blood in them).  They want their way, and if they don't get it, they try a different tactic to get their way: bullying, shouting, punching, name calling, passive aggressive techniques, pouting, etc...

I wrote a poem about a part troll human I once knew:
Big green ogre
so angry and mean
all he does is yell and scream
spittle, tanturm
stomp and shout
turn my cabbage
into sauerkraut.

I soak up negativity and stress from around me.  This is why I hate being in a house with crabby, stressed, aggressive, people (psychic vampires).  I can't even watch shows like punked or repoed comfortably- or any of those reality shows that focus on anger and stress.  It eats at me.

I can sure see why someone would need a troll cross.

Monday, January 3, 2011

New year

I hate making resolutions- they sound so resolute.  They make me feel like I have to pick something bad about myself and then focus solely on fixing it.  I like what Dark Mother Goddess did....She picked a word for the year.  So, I've been tossing a few words around in my head.
Positivity- I could be more positive and optimistic.  I've already been working on it.  I'm trying not to dwell on things, I fixate and depress myself.  But, if I focus on positivity for the year, I'm afraid I'll remind myself to look at every situation with rose colored glasses- and there are times I need to be more realistic.
Health- that sounds good- because I could focus on health of mind and body.  I could use a little more exercise (ankle willing).  I could integrate positive thought. 
Growth- in all things.  I love learning new stuff.  According to Erickson, I'm pretty much stuck somewhere around stage 6.  I could use a little growth.  But not in the abdominal area :)
or Moderation- I get fixated, I go on tangents, I focus on one tiny thing that is bothering me.  I need to moderate my food, drink, and thoughts- to become more healthy, more sane.  I need to moderate what I take in, what I listen to, whose issues I absorb.  (I wish I could stop absorbing everyone else's stress- I think I might need to magically do some protection- and I never considered that before).

I should pick a word, for my mantra- but my mind isn't ready for that right now.  Dark Mother's word is flourish- she's good.

also That Witch it True is having a great challenge for a month of positive thought and body image.

What'd you do for your new year's resolutions?