Tuesday, December 28, 2010

passive aggressive

I view the people around me as people I have earned.  I need them as they have been assigned as family or friends, or as a lesson.  I just freaking wonder why I keep getting stuck with passive aggressive a-holes.  They always seem to be in an authority position in my life.  Is it because authoritative people tend to be passive aggressive -holes, or have I not learned a lesson and the Gods feel a need to punish me by keep thrusting me back into this spot? this spot:subservient to P.a.a-holes.?

Why am I going off?  I just got chastised in a half-a$$ed way by someone I didn't deserve to get it from.  He announced how he just did dishes- to his son.  I had just made dinner and left one dish, the dish the meat was in.  Why the announcement?  He opened the fridge door at such a speed that the butter flew out.  The butter door was left open (my bad) but I had opened numerous times and nothing happened.  I was so surprised that I exclaimed "wow- you must have opened that fast" and thus I deserve to be punished with negativity for the rest of the evening.  Nevermind that I was the one who cooked dinner, packed away all the decor, and vacuumed.  Nevermind that I did all the dishes besides the one pan.  That I rarely rock the boat.  That I am a calm and rational person~ until I have to deal with passive aggressive for a long period of time.
I realized how different this household is from my own.  My mommy and brother rarely put anyone down.  Sure they see weaknesses, but they don't berate the person for them, they accept them as part of the person.  My mommy and brother don't try to own anyone, steal the spotlight, or be the boss,  My mommy speaks highly of her kids, my bro and I speak highly of each other.  negativity has no space in our life.
Not here.  It's part of the air.  I wonder how I was placed here.  Boyfriend is not the main feeder of negativity, and if he does- he does not do it with intent or malice.  but his father ooozes it from his veins.  His family acts so different from my own.  What am I to learn from this?  don't tell me patience- I know that and all it got me was stepped on.  What else am I to learn from this?
I thought it was understanding.  I try to understand when he shuts my door even though I am sweating.  I try to understand when he saves everything because he is from the depression.  I try to understand when he turns my tv on or off, my channel when I am in the potty, or my light brighter or darker for no reason~ but they only thing I can come up with is control, and I can't understand what I would learn from another another controlling relationship.
Help me understand.

BTW_ I got my first Holiday card from the netherlands!!!! It is soooo cute and the stamps I will save! I'll save the whole darn thing! Thanks MARA!!!!


Anonymous said...

Maybe the lesson is that you can't control what another person does only your reaction his behavior. Change your reaction to his passive aggressive behavior and he will lose his power to annoy and upset you.

LyndaB said...

I very much like what the first poster says. I seem to be having a lifetime of getting handed chronically negative people to deal with - it's taken me a half century, but frankly, I think the lesson is maybe about learning your own limits - figuring out what you won't deal with, what's not YOUR baggage.

I will tell you - nothing you do.. no matter how much patience or sweetness in the face of it that you offer is going to generate a positive outlook for someone who is drowning in negativity. Which doesn't mean change who you are or how you want to respond - but don't do it with the hope of improving his behavior. What you see is a tiny reflection of the sludge he's carrying inside.

If all else fails, it helps to visualize them saying all the negative BS with Donald Duck's voice. Really - try it. ;)

Anonymous said...

Some folks can only feel big if they are putting someone else down, without it they will shrink into tiny little dwarves. They are small and weak inside, and must compensate by sucking the happiness out of others. You can feel at least a little bit good in that you provided him his box to stand on so he can feel tall.

Diandra said...

Maybe you will have to learn to defend yourself against this kind of behavior? Sweetness and patience are usually not the best ways to get this kind of people out of your life - or at least make them behave nicer around you. It may be some kind of alpha dog test. They are barking at you, and if you bark back, maybe they'll stop.

(I'm not advising you to be passive-aggressive as well, just a tad more self-confident and not-caring about their attitude.)

Anonymous said...

I HATE passive-aggressiveness and usually deal with it as follows:

1. Tell the person exhibiting the behavior that THEY ARE BEING PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE.

2. Ask them why they (insert behavior here) instead of using their words.

3. Repeat until they figure the shit out.

4. If tired of repeating, show them the door (or if you really love them, slip them the card of a really good therapist).

Miss Sugar said...

I agree with the first poster, as a control freak, learning to only control myself and my own actions is a constant lesson for me.

Lyn said...

I grew up in a passive agressive household - I can totally sympathise with you. I know what it feels like to be treated that way.

When I eventually couldn't take any more I lost the relationship with my family. And that hurt.

If there is a lesson I think it's not to sink to their level.

Sending you hugs K x