Thursday, December 30, 2010

A hint of things to come..........

I'm going to start by digressing- I know, weird way to start, but I feel it is necessary.  My mom married that guy up there.  Then she had my brother and I.  When I was about 3, that guy and my mom divorced.  My relationship with his has been spotty.  I rarely saw him as a child (due to conditions or choice, I do not know).  I visited him at about ten yrs of age and ended up living with him.  We sailed from New york to Florida.  I remember my main caretaker being his psycho girlfriend, though, not him.  It might have been difficult for him to deal with an almost teenager girl, he might have tried, I don't remember.  My adult years have seen him sporadically.  He stopped by for a few hours when my son was about 6 months old. He sent money when my other son died.  He sent a present a few winters ago.
What leaves a negative feeling in my bones is how he communicates.  He is not a happy man.  He feels he has been wronged.  I'm a listening ear.  But- he bad mouthed my mom to me! My mom- the woman who never said a negative thing about him- the woman I respect and revere.  He said mean things about her.  Mean things, that even if they were true, would not matter to me.  When he sent the gift a few winters ago, my kids sent him a thank you note- they did not refer to him as grandpa, they do not know him as grandpa- and he was mad.  BUT, if you ask him what their names or birthdays are, he couldn't tell you without looking it up.  He even asked why he sent me money on my son's death day- he was looking through his check register and couldn't remember what that money was for.  
Anyway, this post is not a "feel sorry for me- he's done me wrong" post.  because he hasn't.  Even though we don't have a relationship now, he picked the best mother for me that anyone could have.  He taught me about sailing.  He introduced to me to things I would never have known about.  He could be a really cool man to know- if he just didn't say mean things about my mom- if he just didn't expect too much out of a relationship just because he helped conceive me.
So, The reason I am blabbing all this- is because when I speak of him, I don't know what to call him.  Dad doesn't fit.  Sperm donor is unnecessarily cruel.  I'll call him my birth father.  Since this digression is sooo long.  I think I'll finish this post tomorrow.  I had something else to say but I wrote forever on this subject!

6 comments:

Witchy Godmother said...

In our home we used different titles for different dads - Papere, Papa, Dad fit most of the men. Our grandkids have a lot of grandparents both absent and present. I get called Mamie and that works for us, each of the grandmother's have a different name and as the moms of the kids we call that parent whatever the kids call them. It works for us, perhaps that might for you. Hugs and sparkles as I know family stuff can be tough. - WG

D.Suplicki said...

I have a friend who has a relationship with her dad that sounds similar to yours so far and shorted biological father the DNA dad when she brings him up.

My mom and dad both had some pretty hateful things to say about the other to me after the divorced, it put a big strain on my relationships with both of them for a while, but things are getting back to O.K as we've all gotten older. Family stuff can be rough and painful sometimes though. *hug*

Linda in New Mexico said...

My own daughter had a missing after the divorce Dad. She always referred to him by his first name. Didn't see him from the time she was 20 months to the day she graduated from high school. Never really wanted a chance to know his daughter, I guess. He died about 11 years ago and .... nothing. What a waste. He missed out on an awesome human. So I can understand your dilemna as far as the name. And now my own grands will have the same dilemna. And in my case, I wished so many times my father would just go away and never come back.
My poor husband has had to be father to me, to my daughter and now to my grands. He is an admirable man and a loving kind soul. We lucked out. The Olde Bagg, Linda

Her Mom said...

I think everyone does what they can with what they've got - sometimes it's just not enough because we never learned how. I think he has a sad life because he never learned how to be happy. More sad, because it affected his kids.

SuziCate said...

If he were truly Christian, he would not be bad mouthing your mother. It sounds like he uses religion to his own power/advantage. I've known many that do that when you disagree with their opinions. Relationships are especially tricky if someone is trying to control it. I hope he will ease up and open up and allow you the chance to grow a relationship of acceptance. I hope things work out with him. Your mom is a good person, and even when she writes about her life with him, she never belittles him. I'm so glad you have such a wonderful close relationship with your mom. I love my mom, but we don't share the same kind of interests to be as close as you and your mom are...guess I'm a bit jealous!

Creative Flair said...

He's your father, not your dad. Still gives him some respect but not all the respect he deserves.