Friday, December 31, 2010

things to come part deux

My birth father is now a devote Christian.  he has his minister's license and everything.  He has always been a religious person from what I remember- but it was more him being a theologian than a worshipper.  He used to read us the Bible at the kitchen table once a week- in Hebrew! and then he'd discuss it.  In later years, I'd find him in his car on friday nights listening to Jewish temple.  He explained a few details about Judaism to me.  The reason we sailed from New York to Florida on his boat was because he wanted to go to Israel- Israel was our initial destination but the boat pretty much quit in Florida.  It actually quit in New Jersey, but we gimped down to Florida without a mast and dealing with leaks, cold, and a bad motor.
My first introduction to paganism came through him.  He didn't know, and he'd be quite aghast if he knew now.  He is very upset at my choice for a religion.  I actually thought he'd be a good person to discuss it with when I started religious studies over 12 years ago- but he had found his God and was not happy with mine.
How'd he start my (bitter descent to hell) paganism studies?  He pointed out that when he read the Hebrew bible- it says "In the beginning, the GODS created the heavens and the earth"

Thursday, December 30, 2010

A hint of things to come..........

I'm going to start by digressing- I know, weird way to start, but I feel it is necessary.  My mom married that guy up there.  Then she had my brother and I.  When I was about 3, that guy and my mom divorced.  My relationship with his has been spotty.  I rarely saw him as a child (due to conditions or choice, I do not know).  I visited him at about ten yrs of age and ended up living with him.  We sailed from New york to Florida.  I remember my main caretaker being his psycho girlfriend, though, not him.  It might have been difficult for him to deal with an almost teenager girl, he might have tried, I don't remember.  My adult years have seen him sporadically.  He stopped by for a few hours when my son was about 6 months old. He sent money when my other son died.  He sent a present a few winters ago.
What leaves a negative feeling in my bones is how he communicates.  He is not a happy man.  He feels he has been wronged.  I'm a listening ear.  But- he bad mouthed my mom to me! My mom- the woman who never said a negative thing about him- the woman I respect and revere.  He said mean things about her.  Mean things, that even if they were true, would not matter to me.  When he sent the gift a few winters ago, my kids sent him a thank you note- they did not refer to him as grandpa, they do not know him as grandpa- and he was mad.  BUT, if you ask him what their names or birthdays are, he couldn't tell you without looking it up.  He even asked why he sent me money on my son's death day- he was looking through his check register and couldn't remember what that money was for.  
Anyway, this post is not a "feel sorry for me- he's done me wrong" post.  because he hasn't.  Even though we don't have a relationship now, he picked the best mother for me that anyone could have.  He taught me about sailing.  He introduced to me to things I would never have known about.  He could be a really cool man to know- if he just didn't say mean things about my mom- if he just didn't expect too much out of a relationship just because he helped conceive me.
So, The reason I am blabbing all this- is because when I speak of him, I don't know what to call him.  Dad doesn't fit.  Sperm donor is unnecessarily cruel.  I'll call him my birth father.  Since this digression is sooo long.  I think I'll finish this post tomorrow.  I had something else to say but I wrote forever on this subject!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

passive aggressive

I view the people around me as people I have earned.  I need them as they have been assigned as family or friends, or as a lesson.  I just freaking wonder why I keep getting stuck with passive aggressive a-holes.  They always seem to be in an authority position in my life.  Is it because authoritative people tend to be passive aggressive -holes, or have I not learned a lesson and the Gods feel a need to punish me by keep thrusting me back into this spot? this spot:subservient to P.a.a-holes.?

Why am I going off?  I just got chastised in a half-a$$ed way by someone I didn't deserve to get it from.  He announced how he just did dishes- to his son.  I had just made dinner and left one dish, the dish the meat was in.  Why the announcement?  He opened the fridge door at such a speed that the butter flew out.  The butter door was left open (my bad) but I had opened numerous times and nothing happened.  I was so surprised that I exclaimed "wow- you must have opened that fast" and thus I deserve to be punished with negativity for the rest of the evening.  Nevermind that I was the one who cooked dinner, packed away all the decor, and vacuumed.  Nevermind that I did all the dishes besides the one pan.  That I rarely rock the boat.  That I am a calm and rational person~ until I have to deal with passive aggressive for a long period of time.
I realized how different this household is from my own.  My mommy and brother rarely put anyone down.  Sure they see weaknesses, but they don't berate the person for them, they accept them as part of the person.  My mommy and brother don't try to own anyone, steal the spotlight, or be the boss,  My mommy speaks highly of her kids, my bro and I speak highly of each other.  negativity has no space in our life.
Not here.  It's part of the air.  I wonder how I was placed here.  Boyfriend is not the main feeder of negativity, and if he does- he does not do it with intent or malice.  but his father ooozes it from his veins.  His family acts so different from my own.  What am I to learn from this?  don't tell me patience- I know that and all it got me was stepped on.  What else am I to learn from this?
I thought it was understanding.  I try to understand when he shuts my door even though I am sweating.  I try to understand when he saves everything because he is from the depression.  I try to understand when he turns my tv on or off, my channel when I am in the potty, or my light brighter or darker for no reason~ but they only thing I can come up with is control, and I can't understand what I would learn from another another controlling relationship.
Help me understand.

BTW_ I got my first Holiday card from the netherlands!!!! It is soooo cute and the stamps I will save! I'll save the whole darn thing! Thanks MARA!!!!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

sure, she looks sweet and innocent

yeah- don't let her fool you when she is asleep

 Here is how she really is:


Tuesday, December 21, 2010


I'm having issues with my mother.  Yeah- that's not something I ever expected to say- ever- but here I am saying it. 
Lemme digress and backtrack before I explain said issues. 
Cats love me.  They follow me down the street.  They run out of their bushes to be loved by me.  They show up at my doorstep and adopt me.  I am a cat-magnet.  Like catnip to cats.  Cats always love me.  always.

Except the cats my mom chooses.  They are evil.  They aren't even real cats.  They think they are part dog, which might be part of the issue.  Neither of her current cats will snuggle with me.  Neither will let me hold them.  Neither will purr for me. 
One spends her day hiding- I assume it is from me.  Right now she is in the closet of my brother's room because my room is not good enough for her.
The other spends her day creating trouble
Then falling asleep.
but will she fall asleep in my warm squishy welcoming lap?  noooo.  she picks the Christmas tree to sleep in.
My mom needs to do a better job of picking kittens! how rude

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Sex and intimacy

yes.  I'm grown up so I can talk about sex without giggling.  though I do still giggle when they say duty on tv because it sounds like doody.

Did you know that  a study was once done on babies in an orphanage?  These babies were fed and diapered but not snuggled and loved.  They couldn't thrive and some died.  Snuggling and loving is very important to the human soul.  Touch is very important.

I think it is also important in relationships.  A male friend the other night was slightly inebriated and started crying to me about his wife.  They have been married over 8 years (I am guessing because their special needs kid is about that age) and she won't give him physical affection any more.  He is honestly thinking about cheating.  I gave him the same old line about her being tired and is he doing anything for her needs, and he assures me that he is, but she is still cold and frigid to him.

I had another friend who complained that her husband wasn't interested any longer.  She wondered if it was because she has recently put on a few pounds (on her, it goes straight to the boobs too!).

I've been through dry times in relationships.  The 17 year marriage went through a period of them.  I understand that they might be natural (dry times)- but I contend that they are damaging to the spouse and to the relationship.

Sex is linked to intimacy.  I know both can stand alone- but I am refering to the intimacy that is created through sex.  The closeness, the touch, the sharing, the trusting, the concentration on the spouse and only the spouse (everything else in the world forgotten for just a few moments).  That is needed.  This intimacy might be created other ways- but I usually find when the sex is gone, the spouse can't or won't concentrate solely on his/her partner- the touches are gone, the kisses, the everything that makes a marriage more than platonic.

I also understand that some relationships do fine without sex.  Awesome.  I might even get to that point at some time, but right now I am nearing forty and my sex drive is right up there.  I don't do the f-word, I don't pick up strangers, and I prefer my drive to be aimed at a meaningful connection in a relationship.  I also want to say that those relationships that do fine without sex usually have both spouses at that point.  My friends would not agree that no sex is good for their relationships.

I feel bad for both of them- just as I feel like crap when I am not getting loving.  I gasped when my girlfriend asked about her weight- making love should not have anything to do with that!  The spouse you married is going to look a hella different in 20 years, so don't expect a perfect body to last forever.  Wrinkles, sagging, scars, and maybe even injuries may occur to the partner.  You should still want to physically connect with him or her.  If not, something needs to be looked at.

If one partner is begging for sex and the other is denying it, something needs to be looked at as well!  This is a huge rejection.  It is painful and hard to understand.  My friend, the male, looks like a viking and was reduced to blubbering tears.  I've cried myself to sleep over this as well.  The denial goes beyond the rejection- it could also be a powerplay, a way to get back at the spouse, a selfish issue, a withdrawal from the relationship, intimacy issues, etc.

I didn't know exactly what to tell either friend- except hang in there, it might change. That's what I bitterly tell myself through my dry periods.  I wouldn't judge the male friend for cheating- I hope he doesn't, cheating isn't the best way to fix the issue.  I just hope the spouses see what the withdrawal of intimacy is doing to their other halves.  I just hope my friends can continue to thrive without touch.  Until things change- I have plenty of hugs for them (not as good- but OK for life support measures)

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Correct teacher attire

Someone I know on facebook keeps posting about how her children's teacher are dressed inappropriately.  Then her friends post about how horrible teachers dress and how they should wear dressier clothes.  I suggested they wear scrubs as that would fit the job more and the parents might be happy with a uniform, however that was struck down with rudeness and anger and chiding.  One of the comments that keeps getting made is that the students have to stick to a uniform code and the teachers should have the same code.  I was going to rebutt this on her post, however one of the parents just keeps saying "you knew what you signed up for when you signed up for the job"- um, no- I didn't know I signed up to deal with bitchy judgmental parents who care more about my fashion sense than my hard work and creativity.

The children are required as a uniform to wear sleeved shirts, longer shorts or skirts, and closed shoes.  This is for their safety. If they are running around or playing PE, all three of these things keep them covered and safe.  Bending over for PE in short shorts and spaghetti strapped shirts are a bad choice.  Running in sandals is just asking for a stubbed toe.  The teacher's uniform is less settled.  I don't think they have set rules because they are grown ups and hopefully can appropriate attire.  Some days work is dirty and laborous and appropriate attire might be sweats or jeans.  Some days cooking or painting might be involved and those clothes can get stained.  Some days the classroom is boiling and the teacher is standing all day (I rarely sit down, even at lunch) and sandals are the best choice.  It is rare in the lower grades that a teacher should wear a pencil skirted suit and heels.  These clothes, though shown in old Doris Day movies, are harder to be a diligent and communicative teacher in.  I kneel, squat, and sit crisscross applesauce in all the grades.

I suggested scrubs to shut the bitchy woman up.  Even scrubs didn't make her happy.  Apparently looks are more important to her than an involved teacher.  She just kept saying her stupid "You knew what you signed up for" quote- what the eff? Yes, I so want to cuss about that idiotic comment.  I am so glad she is a friend of someone I know- not my friend.  I am so glad I do not have to deal with her as a parent of one of my kids.  The parents I come into contact with are also very involved and will get messy with the kids.  They understand that my jeans, sweater, and ballet flats are very appropriate.  They understand if I have a big stain on my shirt it is because I was involved with a lesson and was actually working.  They see my dirty kness and know I knelt down to talk to a child who needed to see me at eye level.

I'll make one more comment to bitchy mom on facebook.  Then I'll shut up.  No matter what i say she is never going to see it from any point of view of her own.  I conceded to some of her comments ( i think flipflops and spaghetti strapped shirts should not be worn by a teacher- nor tube tops, short skirts, or very tall heels- but I don't judge those teachers, they could be awesome)~ but I know that shallow people can never concede to a messy sloopy fashionless teacher like me.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Weekly update

It looks like unless I get more hours in the day, I'm gonna be doing a weekly update instead of a daily blog.  I started this blog when I was at home with a broken leg.  I have been lucky enough to be working every day almost- now- and when I am home, I'm making Christmas. 

For instance, when I did have a half day, I helped boyfriend finish the lights on the outside of the house and I put up this : my yule tree.  Oh tananbaum, oh tananbuam, how lovely are your branches~
Isn't it pretty?  I thought I was going to have to go buy more lights so I left it alone one night- and the next night I found 8 strings of lights in the ornament box- I really didn't see them in there before- I think the julenissan brought them.

Speaking of lights- the boys in this house fix everything! the 1.50$ light string doesn't work?  check the fuses- did you know lights have fuses?  I sure didn't.  If the fuses are new, check every light on the string.  look for a broken wire.  Even if the wire is cut, the boys fix it!  I tried to throw a string of lights away- dad fished it out of the trash and electrical taped it back together.
My first thought was "what the heck?"  it's a buck fifty per string- no large amount of money.  I think some things are meant to be thrown away-
My second thought was "wow- ok- they don't spend money frivolously, that's good, and not throwing it away is better for the environment"
but I finalized my thoughts with "I'm not putting any taped together lights on an extremely combustable tree".

Other than that, my red hair is holding, I've been getting spam (I'm closing comments after three days to see if that helps), and I'm zentangling my little heart out!

Off to read your blogs!

Tuesday, December 7, 2010


I've been getting a lot of spam lately on the comments section of this blog.  Usually Google catches it.  Usually it has some sales attached to it.  Usually there is a reason for it.  What the heck is this though?
"I be enduring be familiar with a insufficient of the articles on your website in the present circumstances, and I extremely like your fashionableness of blogging. I added it to my favorites net stage list and will be checking back soon. Will repress out my put as highly and leave to me be acquainted with what you think. Thanks. "

Friday, December 3, 2010

Random friday

I have your comments sent to my email so I can get a giggle a few times a day.  I cracked up at Lynda B's "Asian escort spam is the reason for the season"- especially after reading all that escort spam crap! Thanks for that laugh!

LisaF, I think you were the lone Christian commenter- there are a few Christians who read this, most commented on the feed on Facebook.  The key to the "axial tilt is the reason for the season"  was theuse of the word SEASON- like winter, spring, summer, fall- axial tilt creates indirect sunrays hitting the earth-when the sun is the most indirect, it is the coldest, thus winter.  This is why it is summer in Australia while it is winter in America.
As for the other meaning- I just wanted to makenote that sooo many holidays share this time of year.  I hope that when I wish friends a happy time, that I take note of who they are,and wish my jewish friends Happy Hannukah rather that Feliz Navidad.  As for strangers- I think politically correct is better,but that is my opinion.  This is why I say Happy Holidays rather than Merry Yule or Festive Winter Solstice,which is what I celebrate. 
I really dig that LisaF gave us a nice history lesson- if you didn't read it, read the comment section of "I was gonna wait,but..." Lisa F sure knows her stuff! thanks!

I dyed my hair blonde again- or tried to- allI accomplished wash making it a duller grey dirty red.  So I did what any lazy person would do- I went and bought bright red dye and redyed it red.  It looks fabulous now! Like traffic stopping fabulous red!

The zentangle looks really intricate, but it's working with patterns in small parts,so it is relaxing and easy to do.  Mom, the lady who I made this for doesn't use a computer, that's why I put hers up there-she will never see it :)  I really think that everyone of you should try one zentangle- just one- to see how relaxing and easy it really is.  I have a linkto both the zentangle site and zentangle patterns in my sidebar->

I stillhave that darn cold.  It turned into a sinus infection and now has migrated down to a cough.  2weeksnow. I am tired of it.

15 days til I see my mommy :) yay!


Wednesday, December 1, 2010

making Christmas

I have that song from Nightmare before Christmas in my head.  and yes, it is Christmas I am making, because people who I gift to are celebrating Christmas.

Here's a picture of what I have been doing: I really do enjoy zentangling