Saturday, November 6, 2010

Update- Crisis over

You'll find that I have a bit of extremism when it comes to things.  Yesterday's post might not have been a crisis to you, but it sure felt like one to me.  Strangely, I didn't feel it hit until yesterday morning, and that might have been because the night before I had had a Tobin dream.  I was still prepared to go- I even found a green skirt (boyfriend's colors) at Goodwill to wear. (It was brand new and target brand- they seem to have a lot of overflow from target).

What really got me overly emotional might not have been the actual event.  It was reactions to it.  Boyfriend has been focused on moving.  He really had no time to think- we talked tonight and he said had he even had time to think about it, he would have talked to me- I believe him.

 Here's the real issue: It was darn hot all week, my mint is flourishing and yesterday was friday (as if that matters)- I made a nice mojito for myself last night.  I drank one with alcohol in it and about 2 virgin.  I called my friend Megan to talk over the Toby thing- she calls me when she's have a break down- she patted my hand and I felt better.  Boyfriend's dad walks in, mentions I had made a second blender (I didn't tell him it was alcohol free- it is none of his beeswax).  Boyfriend texted and needed help at work.  I talked to his dad- and I was still sniffling a bit about Toby.  The sniffles turned to an occasional tear.  His dad said I always cry when I drink.

He totally dismissed any emotions and turned right to alcohol!  wtf? yes I just used a bad word. Quite frankly, I have a beer or a wine most days of the week- and I don't cry most days of the week.  I was already upset and he turned it to my behavior which he is obviously judging.

I went to bed.  Before 8.  I let it all out.  I feel better.  But I stayed in my room all day- sometimes I just need to hermit.  To not deal with people.  Boyfriend didn't wake me up to go with him.  He hadn't seen the blog- maybe he just decided to let me sleep.  He's home now.  I left the toom to find dinner.  I'll go back to bed soon.  Life will go on.

Thank you for your kind words.  I really don't want to seem like a crazy emotional person- but somedays I am.  That's me.  I feel.



Creative Flair said...

I think you're entitled to cry over Toby any day you feel like it. Alcohol or not. Losing a child is one nightmare I don't want to live through. My best to you.

Her Mom said...

I'm glad crisis is over. I'm glad only one of your mojitos was alcoholic. Old men judge (so do a lot of old women, young men and young women, but I think old men specialize). Practice being a duck - no, not waddling and quacking, but letting things roll off your back.

Yah, easy for me to say.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Glad you're feeling a bit better now!

Linda in New Mexico said...

I wasn't quite sure what I wanted to say to yesterday's posting so I waited and I thought alot about you yesterday.
My first bit would be to say it's your life, your feelings. No one else will get it all. No one can understand what you are feeling. With that said.
I empathize with your lose of a child. I think you are blessed to have dream visitations. I also think you perhaps should view them as positive and brought to you to help make you stronger.
Lastly, old men can't help themselves.....goodness only knows I wish they could.
You have the right to your feelings and all of us have funk days. Embrace them, sounds like you have a handle on how you need to handle them. You're lucky to be able to lock yourself away and be a hermit.
Love yourself dear, you are special. The Olde Bagg

Pallas Renatus said...

I'm with the girls above. Nobody ever moves on from an experience like that, and you're entitled to a drink or two whenever you like if it helps. Fuck anyone who says otherwise.

LisaF said...

I cannot even comprehend the loss of a child to cancer and the struggle you have with life's unfairness. Everyone deals with loss differently. Don't apologize for your emotions regarding your son. It seems that most men are emotion-challenged when it comes to this. One thing I know first hand, no one can bottle up emotions and pretend they aren't there. They will eventually surface so it's best to face them, embrace them, discard them and continue living.