Friday, November 5, 2010

An open to letter to my future wardrobe



Dear clothing,
I just have one request- no, it's not to make me look like someone I am not, liking turning Hilary Clinton into Halle Berry with the work of a corset and wonder bra.  It's not to magically make my boobs three sizes bigger and belly three sizes smaller.  It's not to make me look taller and thinner by sticking 6 inch pegs to my heels.  It's not even to give the appearance of thinness.

I'd just like to look streamlined.  Less bumpy, you know?  When I am naked I'm not so bumpy, except maybe my cellulite thighs and rippley skin.  It's just that when I put you on, clothes, you pinch in some places and poof out others.  Can't you just lie there and shut up?  why do you have to call attention to yourself?  Look at me!  I'm a waist band popping out 4 inches so you can see her underwear!

Seriously, waistband, and the rest of you pants parts, I am not even talking to you anymore.  Unless you have stretch in your name and I can layer a tunic over you, I don't even want to see you!  Why do you have such thin thighs that squeeze mine like sausages while somehow being too large on my waist so you pop out in the back?  Why are you either too tight  on the calves showing that I am hippy in the middle (hugging my calves may be nice to show off my calves- they are fabulous- but it really accentuates the booty and hugs my thighs as well)  or too loose and look like bell bottoms?  Why do loose fit make me feel like a rapper with a big diaper butt, or higher waisted make me feel like a baby-bellied grandma? (not that there is anything wrong with baby bellied grandmas, I'm just not ready for "mom" jeans).

Skirts, you could behave better too- some of you are fabulous (like my cool thrift store find of a coldwater creek t-shirt material long skirt in mauve), but some of you really suck.  Like brown skirt I tried on today that had gathers in the front- above the belly.  Why do you need to puff out more on my belly?  Or the cute ones I think I like 'til I bend over and my everything pops out- can you just grow a few inches?  Stretch and cotton are good words for you to have, but please do not stretch out too much so it looks like bigbird wore the skirt before I did. also, can you drape straight down in the back, so you don't curve with my butt?  I think that looks great in a pencil skirt on powerful business women, but as a teacher, I feel like I need to appear more, um, friendly, motherly, modest?...

Shirts- I've pretty much given up on you too.  You either hang straight so I look like a box, or you hug so close my buttons pucker and my arms can't move.  You are either too short or too long.  I've been thinking tank tops look great with skirts and can be layered with a sweater.  So, shirts, call me when we can get along, I'm not liking you much now.  Tanktops- please hug my boobs and awesome 33 inch waist- but no so much  that I look like I was poured into you.  No one wants to see my backfat pushing against your fibers.  Just skim my body gently, thank you.

Bras- it is your job to hold the girls up.  I really don't need he girls pushed strangely into the center of my chest to create "cleavage" and chest skin wrinkles.  I don't need you pushing out weird fat bumps near my underarm or on my back.  Just do your job, proudly.

undies- really, you know what not to do- don't pinch, pucker, or ride up.  Do look attractive and do whatever undies are supposed to do.

Clothes- I'm telling you, this is your last warning.  I don't plan on losing massive amounts of weight so you all can hang on a bone thin lady like the models 'clothes do.  I don't think I'll magically become a hard body.  You and I are stuck with each other (unless I become a nudist, then I'll vote YOU off the island).  So, lets just see if we can work together.  I promise to try the styles that are supposed to work for my body type (I'm  a pear btw), and I promise to try to shop in my size- especially not a size smaller.  I will try to get materials that I love like cotton tshirt material- breathable and doesn't wrinkle (it has a dash of spandex in it).  and I'll wear spanx for special occasions.  You try to just lay there properly.

If we can't agree- I'm switching to cheap cotton sundresses.  The look good with my flat ballet slippers anyway (I gave all the heels a pink slip until my ankle feels better (IF my ankle ever does)).

LOve, K

5 comments:

Witchy Godmother said...

AMEN to that! I agree with every word you said my friend. I would love to throw out mine and magically have Witchy's waredrobe hanging in my closet. Hugs and sparkles - WG

Pallas Renatus said...

On the upside, sundresses are awesome. Just try not to freeze, lol!

K(Banterings of a Basketcase) said...

Since I am in sunny southern California, usa- it is supposed to be fall, but we are having a heatwave- it is 96 degrees f and I am sweltering! a sundress with a sweater for morning is perfect!

Her Mom said...

I like the t-shirt/tank top layered with shirt (unbuttoned), sweater, blazer look a lot. Bell bottom is coming back you know, and that flair at the calf does balance out the butt thing.

Jenn Flynn-Shon said...

A totally honest request of your wardrobe. I see no reason why it shouldn't comply with your every wish! Though sundresses are very cute, the same thing would get boring after a while I suppose.

Those of us in the northeast are very jealous of your weather by the way!