Saturday, November 6, 2010

bittersweet


I'm a bit melancholy- and emotional.
let me tell you why- lol- like you had a choice!  Boyfriend races his electric golf cart- (it is pretty awesome to see an apple green golf cart hit a wheelie and go almost 50 mph)- anyway- he signed up for an event this weekend.  I was volunteered to help him.  I have no idea if he knows what this event will do to me emotionally-  I don't even know if he knows what this event might do to me- I'm writing and will have this post while I am at the event.

Tomorrow' s (or today's when this posts) event is a rally for kid's cancer.  A bunch of car people are getting together, showing their wares, and racing to make money for kid's cancer.  Boyfriend signed up to show off his really cool and super fast golf cart.  Did he think about what a kid's cancer rally might do to me?  I have no idea.  I haven't had time to really talk to him ( he's been working late).  I'm all for a kid's cancer rally- I'd really like to know where the $ is going though_ I'm ready to sport my picture of my baby and my gold ribbon- BUT I have already had a few days of dreams with my baby Tobin in them.  If you look at past posts, you will know I feel that they are special visits. It's happened for a few days now- which makes sense since  November 1 was dia de los innocentes and November 2 was dia de los Muertos- and November 6th was the day my best friend's dad died and He is making banana pudding with my son (they are all interlocked- really).

Last night's dream had Toby and some of our friend's Ray and Leslie in it.  Ray was hanging out and his mom was cleaning up the house.  Leslie was showing me pictures my oldest son painted while I was trying to figure out what Toby liked to eat now (he's been dead since 1998- does he still like noodles?)

OK_ so the dream only makes sense to me. Especially since I have been drinking mojitos. I am so impressed that I can use since and sense.  Lol.

POINT?  woman! get to the point!  Does the entire world?  Ok- just you and boyfriend- realize what tomorrow(today because I am posting with a timer) means to me emotionally?  I opted out of the non-profit business because it was consuming me emotionally( I have a very addictive all or nothing personality)- do You ( whoever you are) know what this cancer rally might do to me?  ACK- to quote Cathy, yesterday's post.

I realize I might not make any sense right now (five more point for using sense not cents or since)- because I am on an emotional, mojito, carbohydrate induced tirade with mitagating factors that I am not sharing-

but- that's what I have to say! I love and will always love- every one of my babies.

I'd post a picture of Nolan and Delany if stupid google would let me- but you can look back, or I'll post one soon. to see how beautiful and fabulous they are. They are people I can be proud of knowing. But, Tobin, my son, their brother, who died of cancer, affected all of us, and still does. 

Cancer sucks.   I will live my life knowing I was blessed to know (and still visit) my son who died of cancer - 2-17-98

TTYL< K

6 comments:

Debra She Who Seeks said...

You have very hard things to deal with, my dear. But just because your boyfriend is going to this event, it doesn't mean you have to. You can do something else that day that's more soothing for you. And I hope you do -- self-care!

Magaly Guerrero said...

I agree with Debra 100% There are times when we have to let some things go. My best friend loves war movies, I was a case manager for people coming back injured from the current war, and had to see many of my friends mutilated and dead. I don't watch war movies, so whenever my best friend has a war movie marathon I pass.

I'll light a candle for your baby and the rest of the victims of that terrible illness.

Love yourself, and like Debra said "self-care!"

Lyn said...

I don't have anything to say - I think Debra has said it all. My heart goes out to you.

Hugs from across the pond,

Lyn

Her Mom said...

Help was needed in the fight against children's cancer. Toby was recruited. It was our loss, but perhaps the world's gain and he is up there doing great things, Mom. He is fulfilling his purpose. We weren't asked if we agreed, it doesn't work like that.

That said, Boyfriend needs to be a bit more sensitive. And this is where you stand up for yourself.

Mara said...

Yes to all the above! Look after yourself first of all, you in crumples on the floor cannot help anybody!

Divaeva said...

::hugs:: cancer does indeed suck!