Monday, October 25, 2010

Lunes Lunacy- Usuary

Yeah- I know, I just made up a new word- but if Pres. George W. Bush can do it, so can I.

There is a difference between being used and being useful.  Even as a mommy, a person can be used.  The difference, I believe, may be in the gratitude and expectations of the receiver.
Ex and I had issues occasionally ( I know- suprising, eh?).  Some of them had to do with housework and household expectations.  This issue dribbled into childrearing as well.  Just before we broke up, I had been going to school full time- not the full time 12 units at college, but the full time plus- as in 15-18 units at one time.  I tried to show ex that each unit equaled three hours of class time plus homework each week.  So, I technically worked 45 plus hours a week, then came home to clean and cook. 
I had big issues with both cleaning and cooking.  When had it become my job to rinse other people's dishes and get them into the dishwasher? When had it become my job to pick up other people's crap from all over the living room?  When had my son's clothes started to sneak into my laundry basket?  Or the trash become my job?  Why whenever I cooked, did someone complain about what I made and then not eat?  If I didn't cook, I looked like a bad mommy. Why did my reminding the son to do his chores become nagging?
The gratitude and support felt like it was missing.  Because I had been a stay at home mom for so many years, I was now considered the doer of all things.  Ex's job was to earn the money and water the grass.  My job was everything else.  and I had to do everything else to other people's standards.
I'm not saying my job as mom and wife was bad.  I was lucky to be able to stay at home for so long.  I was lucky to be able to put myself through college (I know I did because I still have the loan to prove it).  I was lucky to have kids that were not difficult and an Ex that worked hard.  buttttt......
I no longer felt useful.  I felt used.  I know the difference and I didn't like it.

That's my gripe for the week- it was very pleasing to have to reach back into time to find a gripe :) I guess fall and halloween can really make a girl happy :}

10 comments:

Mara said...

I hope that whenever I find myself a partner, he will step up to the plate and do more than half of the cleaning (since I hate it). I don't think I will ever do the lot! Then again, I haven't got a partner yet, so all might change...

Sus said...

I think every wife and mother has felt that way... I have recently myself. Just had to stop doing laundry and cooking for a few days and they popped right back into line...sort of.

SuziCate said...

Everyone needs to feel appreciated. Glad you are in a happy season!

Miss Sugar said...

I worked part time, but yeah, even sans kid that was my life with my ex too. I got a cleaning service when we moved into a place too big for me to clean with my fibromyalgia and I didn't get any help.

My live in SO cooks and does laundry and dishes voluntarily. He's dreamy. :)

Crunchy Diva said...

I would often feel the same with my ex too all the time. i didn't work maybe 2 or 3 years out of an 11 year marriage & it never mattered if i worked 40 hours or 10 hours a week everything & anything to do with the house was my responsibility. feels so good to be out of that & teach my son that things are shared 50/50

Her Mom said...

That happens far too often. I think it goes back to the days of Beaver Cleever when Mom stayed home and took care of it all, leaving dad to handle working, paying bills and that kind of thing. And to take care of disciplinary issues when kids didn't listen to mom. Back when "a woman's place is in the home".

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Lyn said...

I know exactly how you feel. Some days I feel as if I'm invisible but it's not all the time.

Really glad you're having a happy Halloween!!

Pallas Renatus said...

Sometimes I joke that the ladyfriend and I are only still together because if we broke up, she wouldn't have a personal chef and I wouldn't have a personal maid.

So I guess the moral is... marry a chef? lol!

Walk in the Woods said...

Ya know … a gripe isn't a gripe when something of value is gained from the expressed experience … in that case a gripe is a lesson, a bit of wisdom shared. :)