Monday, August 9, 2010

I wasn't really gone, I was hermiting.

I hermit occasionally.  It's usually not good hermiting either.  It's usually a moody spiral of depression and feel sorry for myself. 
This hermit week started off all wrong.  Pms, a change from my mom's to actually being back home, and a boyfriend who is going through his own crap were all against me.  I seriously wonder if I have pmdd or if I am bipolar.  These moods can consume me.  I vented to boyfriend about something remotely stupid because I was crabby.  I even wrote at then end of the vent "I'm probably moody but this is bothering me".  Boyfriend took it wrong.  Boyfriend was already dealing with too many work issues and an unfounded lawsuit- moody girlfriend just pushed him over the edge.
It started with a little tiff.   Boyfriend came home and tried to "fix" things by yelling at his father.  My landlord, basically.  This didn't help anybody.  I stayed in bed the next day because that's what I do as a hermit. 
Then the next night escalated into a big tiff.  Some not so nice things were said. Stupid stuff was dredged up from the swamp of boyfriend's psyche.  I was left reeling.  Like "What the heck just happened?"
The thing is, boyfriend is never like this.  Boyfriend is patient and sweet.  He does stupid stuff that hurts me and makes me mad, but not intentionally.  He NEVER says things intentionally that will hurt.  He did.  I'm dumbfounded.
I really like boyfriend.  Some people feel I need to get out and be on my own.  Yeah, maybe I do- I can picture the cute little trailer home and lots of fuzzy animals.  But I REALLY like boyfriend.  How do you detach these feelings to go off and be by yourself?  Why would I do that?  I don't think it's the time for that.  Sure, if I got a nice job offer and knew things would be moving up for me, I'd move states-( I'd still keep the idea that boyfriend would join me someday in my head though) but just to pack up and go to find me?  I am trying to find me here. Yeah- It might not be right, but it is the truth.
And I did a bit this week, find myself, that is.  While hermiting.  I actually confused myself more though.  Am I the only 38 year old woman in this world who is this confused about who she is and how to handle emotions? 
I have issues.  My mom is holding her head in her hands now wondering why I am spitting this out to the public and thinking of ways to tell me that I am OK and she loves me.  But I have issues.  And when boyfriend says not so nice stuff, or Ex husband, or whatever mean man is around , I react like this:
* whoa- I have to keep my head on and retort to protect myself
*retort is usually levelheaded and filled with facts (I was a great debater)
*retort pisses meanie off- so I shut up
*fight ends eventually

I lay crying and then hermit.  I think- I can't love or trust this person anymore.  My heart is broken.  Then I think I am short changing myself because I enjoy loving this person.  But love means heartbreak.  am I willing to risk heartbreak?  Then I tell myself I am an idiot and most people can get over fights like this instead of fixating on them.  I try.  I can't.  He said something that stuck and it's festering. 
I should run away.  That won't help because I really like him.  I love him.  This is a normal fight and a normal issue that I am blowing up.  He kindly calls me sensitive. That's a nice way of putting it.  I call myself crazy.  Thus the name of the blog.
I should just get over it.  Put on a happy face and pretend it never happened.  Except it is festering. See the issue?  and now I pour this out into public for why?  Maybe if I read it again in public I'll jar myself into sanity.  Maybe I'll learn something about myself.  Maybe I'll be embarrassed and delete the post in a week- who knows. You probably didn't understand it anyway.  But now you know why I went missing for a few days. I'm still pmsing- and haven't finished my coffee.


SuziCate said...

I think if we're all honest we can think of at lest one time if not many that we've said something out of anger and REALLY wish we could take it back but it's too late. Your posistion is what to do lies very strongly with do you really like or do you LOVE boyfriend? And if the shoe was reversed would you want to be forgiven? Only you can make these decisions, Kat. What does your heart say? Does it resonate with your soul and your head? Whatever you do, think it through thoroughly. I think it's perfectly normal to go through hermitting stages; I know I do it. It gives us time to reflect. And sensitivity just means you feel and live with all your heart and soul. Chin up!

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Letting something fester is never a good idea. It just makes things worse in the long run. Hermitty hugs to you.

Anonymous said...

I think being a hermit is a natural response after being away for a week where you felt safe and taken care of to come "home to reality" where you're in charge of everyone and everything and being thrust into the opposite end of the spectrum as the caretaker. EVERY time I get that feeling of being taken care of, the pendulum always swings the other way...and I too lock myself in a room and rock in a corner. You're not crazy, you're human. (and if you truly are crazy, then you're in good company).

Anonymous said...

...meaning, I'm crazy too. I didn't want you to think I was calling your family crazy : )

Lyn said...

I think every woman has been where you are at one point or another. Everything gets all too much all at once and BANG! Don't be hard on yourself, K. I'm with Inannasstar and fall in crazy category too. There's lots of us about ;-)

K(Banterings of a Basketcase) said...

I know I used both the words Like and Love. I've been with some people I love, but don't really like- U know? It happens when you are with someone who changes, or doesn't change as you do, and though you do love and care about them, you just can't see things the way they do.

The cool thing is- I do like BF. and Love BF. both. Everyday I see a reason to appreciate him. Even if I am moody.

Her Mom said...

Mom does not have her head in her hands. But mom does wish she had a magic wand. You are sensitive, sometimes too much so. It's this female hormone thing that gets us - and the male hormone thing that gets them. And then around we go! You did come by the festering thing honestly, I think - those stupid (not stoopie, but truly stupid) little irritants circle around and around and around in the brain and I lose sleep over them and when I finally open my eyes and look around again, everyone else is just fine. So why am I still feeling the pain? I am better now than when I was young - so there is light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes getting through the tunnel is the tough part.

AlphaBetsy said...

This hits almost too close to home. I absolutely know what you are saying and where you are coming from and I have nothing to offer you other than my kinship. It's hard. I dwell and I pull away. I'm an escapist to the extreme. But I know that about myself and I am trying my hardest to break the cycle. I'm working on it.

So...really I am saying that I am here and I understand. And I'm sending you lots of good thoughts that you can get things out in the open and work them out.

Holistic Homesteader said...

And this is where I tell you that you are, most definitely not alone. Whether we're hermitting, or wishing we could, the emotions are the same. Maybe it's our age?! We get to our elderly age (LOL) and wonder who the heck we are. Hopefully we'll figure it out while we can still enjoy it! :)
Stay strong, my friend!

Diandra said...

I guess that as long as you're alive, you have to struggle with that kind of stuff. No one really knows who they are, and emotions are a pack of bitches.

Fighting is terrible, but it's impossible to avoid fights and still find real compromises. Of course there's the possibility of saying "yes" to everything, for peace' sake, but no one in their right mind would want that!

(The BF and I fight every 4-6 weeks, depending on our work load and stress. Other people I know fight at least twice a week.)

Sprite's Keeper said...

Totally been there. Hopefully, this blows over soon for you. It's never as bad after it's over as it is when you're going through it.

Rose said...

You're not the only one. I'm 41 and not always in control with my emotions. If you think you are bipolar it might be good to talk to someone. I wasn't diagnosed with depression until my 30's but I knew it was there as early back as my teen years and my daughter was just diagnosed with BPD at the age of 19.