I hermit occasionally. It's usually not good hermiting either. It's usually a moody spiral of depression and feel sorry for myself.
This hermit week started off all wrong. Pms, a change from my mom's to actually being back home, and a boyfriend who is going through his own crap were all against me. I seriously wonder if I have pmdd or if I am bipolar. These moods can consume me. I vented to boyfriend about something remotely stupid because I was crabby. I even wrote at then end of the vent "I'm probably moody but this is bothering me". Boyfriend took it wrong. Boyfriend was already dealing with too many work issues and an unfounded lawsuit- moody girlfriend just pushed him over the edge.
It started with a little tiff. Boyfriend came home and tried to "fix" things by yelling at his father. My landlord, basically. This didn't help anybody. I stayed in bed the next day because that's what I do as a hermit.
Then the next night escalated into a big tiff. Some not so nice things were said. Stupid stuff was dredged up from the swamp of boyfriend's psyche. I was left reeling. Like "What the heck just happened?"
The thing is, boyfriend is never like this. Boyfriend is patient and sweet. He does stupid stuff that hurts me and makes me mad, but not intentionally. He NEVER says things intentionally that will hurt. He did. I'm dumbfounded.
I really like boyfriend. Some people feel I need to get out and be on my own. Yeah, maybe I do- I can picture the cute little trailer home and lots of fuzzy animals. But I REALLY like boyfriend. How do you detach these feelings to go off and be by yourself? Why would I do that? I don't think it's the time for that. Sure, if I got a nice job offer and knew things would be moving up for me, I'd move states-( I'd still keep the idea that boyfriend would join me someday in my head though) but just to pack up and go to find me? I am trying to find me here. Yeah- It might not be right, but it is the truth.
And I did a bit this week, find myself, that is. While hermiting. I actually confused myself more though. Am I the only 38 year old woman in this world who is this confused about who she is and how to handle emotions?
I have issues. My mom is holding her head in her hands now wondering why I am spitting this out to the public and thinking of ways to tell me that I am OK and she loves me. But I have issues. And when boyfriend says not so nice stuff, or Ex husband, or whatever mean man is around , I react like this:
* whoa- I have to keep my head on and retort to protect myself
*retort is usually levelheaded and filled with facts (I was a great debater)
*retort pisses meanie off- so I shut up
*fight ends eventually
I lay crying and then hermit. I think- I can't love or trust this person anymore. My heart is broken. Then I think I am short changing myself because I enjoy loving this person. But love means heartbreak. am I willing to risk heartbreak? Then I tell myself I am an idiot and most people can get over fights like this instead of fixating on them. I try. I can't. He said something that stuck and it's festering.
I should run away. That won't help because I really like him. I love him. This is a normal fight and a normal issue that I am blowing up. He kindly calls me sensitive. That's a nice way of putting it. I call myself crazy. Thus the name of the blog.
I should just get over it. Put on a happy face and pretend it never happened. Except it is festering. See the issue? and now I pour this out into public for why? Maybe if I read it again in public I'll jar myself into sanity. Maybe I'll learn something about myself. Maybe I'll be embarrassed and delete the post in a week- who knows. You probably didn't understand it anyway. But now you know why I went missing for a few days. I'm still pmsing- and haven't finished my coffee.