I went out with the kids and Ex tonight. It originally started off that I was going to hunker down and watch some teen picked rental movies, but the maileperson brought our horses for a video game we play, and since Wednesday is half price on said video game, we took off to a nationwide franchise of videogames and food (it rhymes with wave and lusters). During said period of time, we ate dinner, I drank three beers (really- three in like 4 plus hours) and imbibed in dessert. I rarely treat myself to dessert and I limit my three beer drinking to once a week, so this night was tops for me. Even if I did get repeatedly smashed in the horse racing competition by my teenage son.
So, I got home at 930ish. and boyfriend was home! wow. Boyfriend has been working til at least eleven for two weeks now- he even worked Sunday. I let myself in through the garage (stupidly leaving the garage opener in the car- but oh well), turned off the ungodly light of the aerogrow, draped my crutches over the staircase banister, and slithered off to bed.
I said "wow!" to boyfriend, "you sure are home early, how was work?" I got a " idontwannatalkabout it". Okkkay. I said "well, I had a great time, we even had a donut and coffee after. I havent had coffee in two weeks, and mmm it was so good" ( I can't figure out how to pour coffee and get it to the couch while walking on crutches). BF said " why would you do that?" Okayyy. Nevermind then. I can't tell if BF hates that I drank a beer without him around, if he feels it is evil to have a beer when I want, or if he's just so tired that jerkiness is oozing out of him. Or, if, omg, I am moody and reading this whole situation wrong.
So, I say, " I am going to go check the garage. I recall closing the door, and turning off the light, but my anxiety is making me think I have to recheck it" ( anxiety and ocd sometimes hold depression's hand). I get "SIGH, I'll do it" then, when he comes back and off course I have closed the garage, " you didn't tell Dad you were home so everything was open, sigh". Wait! the crutches draped over the banister and ungodly light turned off were not enough? This is a man who notices everytime I get up to pee during the night, he didn't notice I was home? anyhooo-
I then start beating myself up. Am I that much of a pain in the butt? Is three beers too many? Is it bad to go out and enjoy myself? Why do I, a 38 year old woman, need to report my every movement to people (people who need to make note of my drinking and eating, but not their own) - ach, sorry- that was a bit crabby there.
So, I thought I'd let you know how depression feels. I drew a picture a while ago:
see the big ugly dude? He's depression. You can't really control him when he wants to sneak up on you. Well, you can sometimes- like I can by going to work or getting involved with something that takes my mind off him for a minute- but once nighttime hits and someone says something the least bit negative, he comes creeping in. If someone that big and ugly can creep. See me? I feel shackled- thats the shackle on my leg. I become needy for love and acceptance. I need someone to tell me I am ok. How pitiful, you'd think and old woman like me would know I am super-fly all the time.
When does this menopause thing start? I am really tired of this pms crap.