Thursday, May 20, 2010

warning: emotional and prone to self-pity

I sometimes get a severe case of the blues- I know, how weird, right?  I seem so sane and put together-lol. But, alas, I am imperfect, and extreme emotional circumstances coupled with pms are very bad for me.  So, tonight is one of those nights.  I can't sleep.  It is really not because I had a beautiful cup of coffee just a few hours ago.  It's because my brain is on overload.

I went out with the kids and Ex tonight.  It originally started off that I was going to hunker down and watch some teen picked rental movies, but the maileperson brought our horses for a video game we play, and since Wednesday is half price on said video game, we took off to a nationwide franchise of videogames and food (it rhymes with wave and lusters).  During said period of time, we ate dinner, I drank three beers (really- three in like 4 plus hours) and imbibed in dessert.  I rarely treat myself to dessert and I limit my three beer drinking to once a week, so this night was tops for me. Even if I did get repeatedly smashed in the horse racing competition by my teenage son.

So, I got home at 930ish.  and boyfriend was home! wow.  Boyfriend has been working til at least eleven for two weeks now- he even worked Sunday.  I let myself in through the garage (stupidly leaving the garage opener in the car- but oh well), turned off the ungodly light of the aerogrow, draped my crutches over the staircase banister, and slithered off to bed.

I said "wow!" to boyfriend, "you sure are home early, how was work?" I got a " idontwannatalkabout it". Okkkay.  I said "well, I had a great time, we even had a donut and coffee after.  I havent had coffee in two weeks, and mmm it was so good" ( I can't figure out how to pour coffee and get it to the couch while walking on crutches).  BF said " why would you do that?" Okayyy.  Nevermind then.  I can't tell if BF hates that I drank a beer without him around, if he feels it is evil to have a beer when I want, or if he's just so tired that jerkiness is oozing out of him.  Or, if, omg, I am moody and reading this whole situation wrong.

So, I say, " I am going to go check the garage.  I recall closing the door, and turning off the light, but my anxiety is making me think I have to recheck it" ( anxiety and ocd sometimes hold depression's hand). I get "SIGH, I'll do it" then, when he comes back and off course I have closed the garage, " you didn't tell Dad you were home so everything was open, sigh".  Wait! the crutches draped over the banister and ungodly light turned off were not enough?  This is a man who notices everytime I get up to pee during the night,  he didn't notice I was home? anyhooo-

I then start beating myself up.  Am I that much of a pain in the butt?  Is three beers too many? Is it bad to go out and enjoy myself?  Why do I, a 38 year old woman, need to report my every movement to people (people who need to make note of my drinking and eating, but not their own) - ach, sorry- that was a bit crabby there.
So, I thought I'd let you know how depression feels. I drew a picture a while ago:

see the big ugly dude?  He's depression.  You can't really control him when he wants to sneak up on you.  Well, you can sometimes- like I can by going to work or getting involved with something that takes my mind off him for a minute- but once nighttime hits and someone says something the least bit negative, he comes creeping in. If someone that big and ugly can creep.  See me?  I feel shackled- thats the shackle on my leg.  I become needy for love and acceptance.  I need someone to tell me I am ok.  How pitiful, you'd think and old woman like me would know I am super-fly all the time.
When does this menopause thing start?  I am really tired of this pms crap.


li said...

We, women (moms) are conditioned to always put ourselves last, if at all. Then, when we do let loose and enjoy something just for us, we feel guilty. It's self-induced, prompted by what we have let ourselves become! Sometimes, the guilt feeds the depression that feeds the perceived need for love and acceptance. And we beat ourselves up about something we did or didn't do! Makes total sense in a PMS-induced depression, right?

As for the menopause thing...don't wish it on yourself sooner than necessary. It comes with a whole new definition of "crap." See "My own personal summer"for a glimpse into peri-menopause!

And thank you for stopping by and leaving such a supportive comment.

Her Mom said...

Li is a smart lady - listen to her. You are not responsible for anyone else's happiness - if they have a problem, they need to speak up, talk it out and deal with it. If they won't do that, they need to deal with themselves. Not your problem. So don't carry loads that aren't truly yours to carry.

K(Banterings of a Basketcase) said...

Ah- words from the wise! It's not that anyone expects me to be responsible for their happiness, it's that I am overly self critical and touchy. Thank you both Li and Mommy.