Friday, December 31, 2010

things to come part deux

My birth father is now a devote Christian.  he has his minister's license and everything.  He has always been a religious person from what I remember- but it was more him being a theologian than a worshipper.  He used to read us the Bible at the kitchen table once a week- in Hebrew! and then he'd discuss it.  In later years, I'd find him in his car on friday nights listening to Jewish temple.  He explained a few details about Judaism to me.  The reason we sailed from New York to Florida on his boat was because he wanted to go to Israel- Israel was our initial destination but the boat pretty much quit in Florida.  It actually quit in New Jersey, but we gimped down to Florida without a mast and dealing with leaks, cold, and a bad motor.
My first introduction to paganism came through him.  He didn't know, and he'd be quite aghast if he knew now.  He is very upset at my choice for a religion.  I actually thought he'd be a good person to discuss it with when I started religious studies over 12 years ago- but he had found his God and was not happy with mine.
How'd he start my (bitter descent to hell) paganism studies?  He pointed out that when he read the Hebrew bible- it says "In the beginning, the GODS created the heavens and the earth"

Thursday, December 30, 2010

A hint of things to come..........

I'm going to start by digressing- I know, weird way to start, but I feel it is necessary.  My mom married that guy up there.  Then she had my brother and I.  When I was about 3, that guy and my mom divorced.  My relationship with his has been spotty.  I rarely saw him as a child (due to conditions or choice, I do not know).  I visited him at about ten yrs of age and ended up living with him.  We sailed from New york to Florida.  I remember my main caretaker being his psycho girlfriend, though, not him.  It might have been difficult for him to deal with an almost teenager girl, he might have tried, I don't remember.  My adult years have seen him sporadically.  He stopped by for a few hours when my son was about 6 months old. He sent money when my other son died.  He sent a present a few winters ago.
What leaves a negative feeling in my bones is how he communicates.  He is not a happy man.  He feels he has been wronged.  I'm a listening ear.  But- he bad mouthed my mom to me! My mom- the woman who never said a negative thing about him- the woman I respect and revere.  He said mean things about her.  Mean things, that even if they were true, would not matter to me.  When he sent the gift a few winters ago, my kids sent him a thank you note- they did not refer to him as grandpa, they do not know him as grandpa- and he was mad.  BUT, if you ask him what their names or birthdays are, he couldn't tell you without looking it up.  He even asked why he sent me money on my son's death day- he was looking through his check register and couldn't remember what that money was for.  
Anyway, this post is not a "feel sorry for me- he's done me wrong" post.  because he hasn't.  Even though we don't have a relationship now, he picked the best mother for me that anyone could have.  He taught me about sailing.  He introduced to me to things I would never have known about.  He could be a really cool man to know- if he just didn't say mean things about my mom- if he just didn't expect too much out of a relationship just because he helped conceive me.
So, The reason I am blabbing all this- is because when I speak of him, I don't know what to call him.  Dad doesn't fit.  Sperm donor is unnecessarily cruel.  I'll call him my birth father.  Since this digression is sooo long.  I think I'll finish this post tomorrow.  I had something else to say but I wrote forever on this subject!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

passive aggressive

I view the people around me as people I have earned.  I need them as they have been assigned as family or friends, or as a lesson.  I just freaking wonder why I keep getting stuck with passive aggressive a-holes.  They always seem to be in an authority position in my life.  Is it because authoritative people tend to be passive aggressive -holes, or have I not learned a lesson and the Gods feel a need to punish me by keep thrusting me back into this spot? this spot:subservient to P.a.a-holes.?

Why am I going off?  I just got chastised in a half-a$$ed way by someone I didn't deserve to get it from.  He announced how he just did dishes- to his son.  I had just made dinner and left one dish, the dish the meat was in.  Why the announcement?  He opened the fridge door at such a speed that the butter flew out.  The butter door was left open (my bad) but I had opened numerous times and nothing happened.  I was so surprised that I exclaimed "wow- you must have opened that fast" and thus I deserve to be punished with negativity for the rest of the evening.  Nevermind that I was the one who cooked dinner, packed away all the decor, and vacuumed.  Nevermind that I did all the dishes besides the one pan.  That I rarely rock the boat.  That I am a calm and rational person~ until I have to deal with passive aggressive for a long period of time.
I realized how different this household is from my own.  My mommy and brother rarely put anyone down.  Sure they see weaknesses, but they don't berate the person for them, they accept them as part of the person.  My mommy and brother don't try to own anyone, steal the spotlight, or be the boss,  My mommy speaks highly of her kids, my bro and I speak highly of each other.  negativity has no space in our life.
Not here.  It's part of the air.  I wonder how I was placed here.  Boyfriend is not the main feeder of negativity, and if he does- he does not do it with intent or malice.  but his father ooozes it from his veins.  His family acts so different from my own.  What am I to learn from this?  don't tell me patience- I know that and all it got me was stepped on.  What else am I to learn from this?
I thought it was understanding.  I try to understand when he shuts my door even though I am sweating.  I try to understand when he saves everything because he is from the depression.  I try to understand when he turns my tv on or off, my channel when I am in the potty, or my light brighter or darker for no reason~ but they only thing I can come up with is control, and I can't understand what I would learn from another another controlling relationship.
Help me understand.




BTW_ I got my first Holiday card from the netherlands!!!! It is soooo cute and the stamps I will save! I'll save the whole darn thing! Thanks MARA!!!!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

sure, she looks sweet and innocent

yeah- don't let her fool you when she is asleep

 Here is how she really is:


 


Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Kittehs

I'm having issues with my mother.  Yeah- that's not something I ever expected to say- ever- but here I am saying it. 
Lemme digress and backtrack before I explain said issues. 
Cats love me.  They follow me down the street.  They run out of their bushes to be loved by me.  They show up at my doorstep and adopt me.  I am a cat-magnet.  Like catnip to cats.  Cats always love me.  always.

Except the cats my mom chooses.  They are evil.  They aren't even real cats.  They think they are part dog, which might be part of the issue.  Neither of her current cats will snuggle with me.  Neither will let me hold them.  Neither will purr for me. 
One spends her day hiding- I assume it is from me.  Right now she is in the closet of my brother's room because my room is not good enough for her.
The other spends her day creating trouble
Then falling asleep.
but will she fall asleep in my warm squishy welcoming lap?  noooo.  she picks the Christmas tree to sleep in.
OR MY BROTHER'S LAP!
My mom needs to do a better job of picking kittens! how rude

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Sex and intimacy

yes.  I'm grown up so I can talk about sex without giggling.  though I do still giggle when they say duty on tv because it sounds like doody.

Did you know that  a study was once done on babies in an orphanage?  These babies were fed and diapered but not snuggled and loved.  They couldn't thrive and some died.  Snuggling and loving is very important to the human soul.  Touch is very important.

I think it is also important in relationships.  A male friend the other night was slightly inebriated and started crying to me about his wife.  They have been married over 8 years (I am guessing because their special needs kid is about that age) and she won't give him physical affection any more.  He is honestly thinking about cheating.  I gave him the same old line about her being tired and is he doing anything for her needs, and he assures me that he is, but she is still cold and frigid to him.

I had another friend who complained that her husband wasn't interested any longer.  She wondered if it was because she has recently put on a few pounds (on her, it goes straight to the boobs too!).

I've been through dry times in relationships.  The 17 year marriage went through a period of them.  I understand that they might be natural (dry times)- but I contend that they are damaging to the spouse and to the relationship.

Sex is linked to intimacy.  I know both can stand alone- but I am refering to the intimacy that is created through sex.  The closeness, the touch, the sharing, the trusting, the concentration on the spouse and only the spouse (everything else in the world forgotten for just a few moments).  That is needed.  This intimacy might be created other ways- but I usually find when the sex is gone, the spouse can't or won't concentrate solely on his/her partner- the touches are gone, the kisses, the everything that makes a marriage more than platonic.

I also understand that some relationships do fine without sex.  Awesome.  I might even get to that point at some time, but right now I am nearing forty and my sex drive is right up there.  I don't do the f-word, I don't pick up strangers, and I prefer my drive to be aimed at a meaningful connection in a relationship.  I also want to say that those relationships that do fine without sex usually have both spouses at that point.  My friends would not agree that no sex is good for their relationships.

I feel bad for both of them- just as I feel like crap when I am not getting loving.  I gasped when my girlfriend asked about her weight- making love should not have anything to do with that!  The spouse you married is going to look a hella different in 20 years, so don't expect a perfect body to last forever.  Wrinkles, sagging, scars, and maybe even injuries may occur to the partner.  You should still want to physically connect with him or her.  If not, something needs to be looked at.

If one partner is begging for sex and the other is denying it, something needs to be looked at as well!  This is a huge rejection.  It is painful and hard to understand.  My friend, the male, looks like a viking and was reduced to blubbering tears.  I've cried myself to sleep over this as well.  The denial goes beyond the rejection- it could also be a powerplay, a way to get back at the spouse, a selfish issue, a withdrawal from the relationship, intimacy issues, etc.

I didn't know exactly what to tell either friend- except hang in there, it might change. That's what I bitterly tell myself through my dry periods.  I wouldn't judge the male friend for cheating- I hope he doesn't, cheating isn't the best way to fix the issue.  I just hope the spouses see what the withdrawal of intimacy is doing to their other halves.  I just hope my friends can continue to thrive without touch.  Until things change- I have plenty of hugs for them (not as good- but OK for life support measures)

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Correct teacher attire

Someone I know on facebook keeps posting about how her children's teacher are dressed inappropriately.  Then her friends post about how horrible teachers dress and how they should wear dressier clothes.  I suggested they wear scrubs as that would fit the job more and the parents might be happy with a uniform, however that was struck down with rudeness and anger and chiding.  One of the comments that keeps getting made is that the students have to stick to a uniform code and the teachers should have the same code.  I was going to rebutt this on her post, however one of the parents just keeps saying "you knew what you signed up for when you signed up for the job"- um, no- I didn't know I signed up to deal with bitchy judgmental parents who care more about my fashion sense than my hard work and creativity.

The children are required as a uniform to wear sleeved shirts, longer shorts or skirts, and closed shoes.  This is for their safety. If they are running around or playing PE, all three of these things keep them covered and safe.  Bending over for PE in short shorts and spaghetti strapped shirts are a bad choice.  Running in sandals is just asking for a stubbed toe.  The teacher's uniform is less settled.  I don't think they have set rules because they are grown ups and hopefully can appropriate attire.  Some days work is dirty and laborous and appropriate attire might be sweats or jeans.  Some days cooking or painting might be involved and those clothes can get stained.  Some days the classroom is boiling and the teacher is standing all day (I rarely sit down, even at lunch) and sandals are the best choice.  It is rare in the lower grades that a teacher should wear a pencil skirted suit and heels.  These clothes, though shown in old Doris Day movies, are harder to be a diligent and communicative teacher in.  I kneel, squat, and sit crisscross applesauce in all the grades.

I suggested scrubs to shut the bitchy woman up.  Even scrubs didn't make her happy.  Apparently looks are more important to her than an involved teacher.  She just kept saying her stupid "You knew what you signed up for" quote- what the eff? Yes, I so want to cuss about that idiotic comment.  I am so glad she is a friend of someone I know- not my friend.  I am so glad I do not have to deal with her as a parent of one of my kids.  The parents I come into contact with are also very involved and will get messy with the kids.  They understand that my jeans, sweater, and ballet flats are very appropriate.  They understand if I have a big stain on my shirt it is because I was involved with a lesson and was actually working.  They see my dirty kness and know I knelt down to talk to a child who needed to see me at eye level.

I'll make one more comment to bitchy mom on facebook.  Then I'll shut up.  No matter what i say she is never going to see it from any point of view of her own.  I conceded to some of her comments ( i think flipflops and spaghetti strapped shirts should not be worn by a teacher- nor tube tops, short skirts, or very tall heels- but I don't judge those teachers, they could be awesome)~ but I know that shallow people can never concede to a messy sloopy fashionless teacher like me.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Weekly update

It looks like unless I get more hours in the day, I'm gonna be doing a weekly update instead of a daily blog.  I started this blog when I was at home with a broken leg.  I have been lucky enough to be working every day almost- now- and when I am home, I'm making Christmas. 

For instance, when I did have a half day, I helped boyfriend finish the lights on the outside of the house and I put up this : my yule tree.  Oh tananbaum, oh tananbuam, how lovely are your branches~
Isn't it pretty?  I thought I was going to have to go buy more lights so I left it alone one night- and the next night I found 8 strings of lights in the ornament box- I really didn't see them in there before- I think the julenissan brought them.

Speaking of lights- the boys in this house fix everything! the 1.50$ light string doesn't work?  check the fuses- did you know lights have fuses?  I sure didn't.  If the fuses are new, check every light on the string.  look for a broken wire.  Even if the wire is cut, the boys fix it!  I tried to throw a string of lights away- dad fished it out of the trash and electrical taped it back together.
My first thought was "what the heck?"  it's a buck fifty per string- no large amount of money.  I think some things are meant to be thrown away-
My second thought was "wow- ok- they don't spend money frivolously, that's good, and not throwing it away is better for the environment"
but I finalized my thoughts with "I'm not putting any taped together lights on an extremely combustable tree".

Other than that, my red hair is holding, I've been getting spam (I'm closing comments after three days to see if that helps), and I'm zentangling my little heart out!

Off to read your blogs!

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Spammed!

I've been getting a lot of spam lately on the comments section of this blog.  Usually Google catches it.  Usually it has some sales attached to it.  Usually there is a reason for it.  What the heck is this though?
"I be enduring be familiar with a insufficient of the articles on your website in the present circumstances, and I extremely like your fashionableness of blogging. I added it to my favorites net stage list and will be checking back soon. Will repress out my put as highly and leave to me be acquainted with what you think. Thanks. "

Friday, December 3, 2010

Random friday

I have your comments sent to my email so I can get a giggle a few times a day.  I cracked up at Lynda B's "Asian escort spam is the reason for the season"- especially after reading all that escort spam crap! Thanks for that laugh!

LisaF, I think you were the lone Christian commenter- there are a few Christians who read this, most commented on the feed on Facebook.  The key to the "axial tilt is the reason for the season"  was theuse of the word SEASON- like winter, spring, summer, fall- axial tilt creates indirect sunrays hitting the earth-when the sun is the most indirect, it is the coldest, thus winter.  This is why it is summer in Australia while it is winter in America.
As for the other meaning- I just wanted to makenote that sooo many holidays share this time of year.  I hope that when I wish friends a happy time, that I take note of who they are,and wish my jewish friends Happy Hannukah rather that Feliz Navidad.  As for strangers- I think politically correct is better,but that is my opinion.  This is why I say Happy Holidays rather than Merry Yule or Festive Winter Solstice,which is what I celebrate. 
I really dig that LisaF gave us a nice history lesson- if you didn't read it, read the comment section of "I was gonna wait,but..." Lisa F sure knows her stuff! thanks!

I dyed my hair blonde again- or tried to- allI accomplished wash making it a duller grey dirty red.  So I did what any lazy person would do- I went and bought bright red dye and redyed it red.  It looks fabulous now! Like traffic stopping fabulous red!

The zentangle looks really intricate, but it's working with patterns in small parts,so it is relaxing and easy to do.  Mom, the lady who I made this for doesn't use a computer, that's why I put hers up there-she will never see it :)  I really think that everyone of you should try one zentangle- just one- to see how relaxing and easy it really is.  I have a linkto both the zentangle site and zentangle patterns in my sidebar->

I stillhave that darn cold.  It turned into a sinus infection and now has migrated down to a cough.  2weeksnow. I am tired of it.

15 days til I see my mommy :) yay!

TTYL!K

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

making Christmas

I have that song from Nightmare before Christmas in my head.  and yes, it is Christmas I am making, because people who I gift to are celebrating Christmas.

Here's a picture of what I have been doing: I really do enjoy zentangling

Monday, November 29, 2010

I was gonna wait, but

I was gonna wait for this- I was going to try to not even say this this year.  BUT I was on facebook and someone said it- I needed to retort in my blog so I wasn't sounding like a shit to her.
She said "Jesus is the reason for the season"
Nope- wrong.  Axial tilt is the reason for the season.  Seriously- it's a matter of science.
The reason for Christmas may be Christ.  Although Christ was not born in December.  Nope.
The reason Christmas is in December is because the powers that be were trying to encompass the pagan winter celebration in that month.  The winter celebration might be about a small child born to a virgin woman, or the child of the sun being reborn in the wheel of time.  Both are pagan mythos.  Neither are solely Christian.  Neither is the Easter story.  Timothy Freke writes about this in his book "Is Jesus a pagan god?"
Christians- I am happy to share this month with you, and Chanakah, and Kwanzaa, and festivus.  I am happy to see red and green decor out to celebrate (they are also pagan color schemes for the holiday).  I am happy to cut down a yule tree and burn a yule log.  You can cut down a Christmas tree and burn a yule log (lol).
BUT PLEASE- don't try for sole ownership of this upcoming month and holiday.  PLEASE don't insult me and the Jews and those who celebrate Kwanzaa.  Please don't get all pissy about me wishing to the Gods that you would embrace the saying happy holidays instead of merry Christmas.  The jews were around before Christ, as were the pagans (though I will concede we are all neo-pagans now and have no real link to the old), and we are willing to share and live together like the whos in Whosville.
So, before you start posting about Jesus being the reason and about how horrid it is that people want to say Happy Holidays- think about the rest of us.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

dreams

I dreamt the other night a really weird dream- a lot of dreams I can figure out tie to what I watched as I feel alseep, or to worries I have been mulling over.  Some dreams I can't figure out at all.  Like last night I dreamt I had 3 long hairs on my leg that I missed shaving. They had grown to a foot long and looked thick and like insect legs- weird, huh?

The other nights dream I could figure out- but it was disgusting.  I had a sore ankle when I went to sleep- so that's part of it.  I dreamt my foot hurt- I looked down at it, and it was practically detached.  I could see the bottom half hanging off.  Someone cut it off for me- good.  disgusting but good.  It was good because then I needed to breastfeed a baby.  For which my dream boobs magically create milk (unlike my real life boobs that sucked at breastfeeding my first kid)

I decided this was a metaphor of cutting off old unneeded pains and starting to nurture new stuff, new babies.
you have any weird dreams?

ack! I'm typing on a netbook and keep pushing something that makes my cursor jump back to the middle of a word as I am typing.  so my new sentences pop into the middle of my old sentences like a turducken. I wish I knew what did this- this post took way too long to type!

ttyl

Thursday, November 25, 2010

The real Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving in the US was started in 1863 by Abraham Lincoln. The holiday is a wonderful reason to overeat and spend some time chillaxing with family and friends. It's a great day to let others know how thankful you are unless you are a turkey. I like this holiday though I do call it birdday- happy Birdday!

however- you knew there'd be a however, didn't you? I really don't like the lies we perpetuate as teachers about this holiday. We tell kids that the pilgrims landed at plymouth rock and moved in with the help from the native Americans and everything was honkydorey. We tell people that the Indians eagerly helped them settle and the only sad thing is that a settlers died because they got cold in the winter. The indians kindly showed the pilgrims how to plant corn and squash and beans with a fish, and introduced them to living in America.


Then, when harvest time came, the settlers decided to have a party- like they probably did every harvest. Supposedly, they decided to invite their new friends to join them. Every body brought turkey and pumpkin pie and had a grand ol time.

The truth? They weren't all fine and dandy. the weren't sweet to each other. It was very difficult for strangers with very different customs to like each other. One native did help the settlers plant the veggies they had never known about. They also, I believe, learned how to plant tobbacco. The party? the natives were most likely not invited. The heard a rukus and came over to see if the settlers were gonna start a fight. The settlers decided that since they were there, they might as well eat with them. The Indians went out and got more food (like a deer) to eat. There was no turkey. The pumpkin wasn't in pie shape.

We should be able to honestly teach this to our kids. We should be able to talk about how two different groups of people with vastly different lifestyles, views, and religions had a hard time seeing each other as equals- especially when they did not speak the same language. We should be able to talk about how some situations were handled poorly with fighting and bickering and mistrust.

We should also be able to talk about how some people in each group were kind and respectful. That they took time to try to understand the others' points of view. How at some point, they did (kind of) see eye to eye. How they did sit at the same table without killing each other (like some of you might feel when you go to a relatives for the holidays). How we are still making steps everyday to see our fellow man as equal and valued and deserving respect no matter what religion, race, creed, or orientation. ( For this, I am thankful)

Monday, November 22, 2010

I live with an old wife...and she's not mine

Actually, she's a he, in the form of a 78 year old codger. He's still an old wife because of all the "tales" he believes and spreads.

I caught a cold this week. Why? I thought it was a virus that was expelled through a preschoolers mouth into my nose as he coughed directly in my face- but nooo

Old wife tells me it's because I didn't wear socks on the cold floor. Apparently, the cold germ hangs on the floor and walks through the skin in my feet if I walk barefoot (even in a 75 degree house).

I took an actifed, which is ah antihistamine- and it cleared my sinuses up really well. I could breathe though I was still tired and achy.

Old wife tells me I should have taken an antibiotic (though they are made for bacteria and taking antibiotics willy nilly builds up a tolerance for them which is bad- very bad). Then some mucus pill- whatever the one is that the commercial has a beer bellied booger as it's spokesman.

I was wearing 3 layers, but got cold so I took off two.

Old wife turned the heater up to the setting "hell"- apparently I need to be boiled to kill my germs.

Old wife also believes that sit-ups cause weight loss and when I have a a problem he needs to step in and solve it whether I've asked him to or not. (actually he doesn't do that much to me, because I never mention any issues I have for this reason- he does it to his own children).

I could go on about him, but I think I have grumped about this before :) and I'm gonna lay down so I get over this cold before Turkey Day (I know a cold lasts 5-7 days but I swear it gets over quicker if I sleep a lot the first few days). And yes I took my zinc, ate soup, and drank juice- there is medical proof for those treatments.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

I'm reposting

Here's what I wrote in my notes on facebook 2 years ago (well, one year 10 months) but close enough. I thought it would be interesting to review each year what I want out of life and see if anything changes.




I've had a lot of time to think about what I really want out of life, and even though I might not have my philosophy fully ironed out- Im getting it down for posterity's sake:

I want the same thing we all strive for and need since birth: affection, admiration, respect, acceptance.

I want to be the person someone looks forward coming home to, the person someone can't wait to see or talk to. To be adored. I want a friendly pat on the back, a touch on the arm, a big, full, long bear hug. I want a slap on the butt as I walk by, a stolen kiss on the neck, a meaningful touch, to hold hands. I want to make love as an expression of emotion. I want a stranger to smile at me because we share the same human experience.

I want to be the kind of person a child can look up to, to be a hero in someone's eyes. I want others to see my work and appreciate it. I want to make a meaningful impact on the world that serves as an example to others. I want someone to occasionally think, "wow, I'd like to be like her".

I want people to try to understand my position on things even if they don't agree. I want to be thought of as an informed educated person whose thoughts are valuable. I want what I say or think to be taken with some weight rather than dismissed. I want to be thought of as a person who deserves a good place in life because I have earned it by my actions. I want to be a beneficial member of society. I want my job to make a difference. I want to contribute good things to life on this planet.

I want people to love my idiosyncrasies. I want people to stop pointing out what they consider a fault of mine, and to instead embrace it because that is part of who I am. I try my hardest not to make mistakes, or create havoc, or hurt others- and if I do act like an idiot someday, I want people to realize that it was a momentary lapse in judgment, or a decision I made with thought, not an evil plan to destroy those I love. I am not going to single out my own faults, I am sure you each have your opinion on what they are- but they are ever-changing and subjective.

I want people to know I adore them, and to never doubt that. I try to express this daily to those I love and appreciate (sometimes with words, sometimes with affection). I want those close to me to know that I respect their opinion and want to understand their position on things- I want them to educate me, to widen my horizon, not just validate my stance. I want friends who feel bad about their preconceived faults to know that’s part of what I love about them.  I also want people to know I value their strengths.


Current:  I really like that I wanted immaterial things!  And I want the same things years later, I think this is the core of me, what I strive for.  I like it, I like me.
I can add a few material things now- I'd like to be in a stable marriage.  I realized I like being married- I just need that marriage to have what I need (basically the whole thing I wrote years ago).  I want a little house or trailer to live in.  I want a garden.  ( I think I wrote this part on my blog not long ago-) I want to brew beer, make wine, I want to make stuff like lotion and amulets with my own herbs.  I want to make homemade food like fruit roll-ups and spaghetti sauce. I want to be remembered as a warm giving person.
 
I've realized for a while I tried to be thought of as other stuff- mostly dealing with body issues- like the pretty one, or the hot chick- but I laugh everytime I try to take a picture with a sexy expression on my face.  That's not me.  and I'm not gonna try to conform to fit into that mold- it just just work.
 
I'm a friend, a girlfriend, a mom, an artist, a teacher, a caretaker, a goofball, a nerd.  I like flowy clothes, ballet slippers and heels, short quirky hair, painted walls, my scooter, flavored coffee, food, friends, family.  I want my (future) home to be somewhere people can come enjoy themselves- let the kids run around, take off their shoes, eat, laugh, feel free to say whatever they want.  I want me to fit into that environment- a person who enjoys herself, takes off her shoes, lets her metaphorical hair down, eats, laughs, hangs with friends, etc...
 
as a side note- a few years ago I decided that I was going to say yes to invitations from friends.  I was going to ride the rollercoasters at the amusement park, I was going to try new foods.  It was a year of yesses, and it was a good one.  I am working on that again.  I'm going to spend less time on this couch.  I need to get out there and live.  Especially when so much of life is actually free (like friends and family).
 
To punctuate that, I also decided I'm going to go with some urges.  I'm going to buy some clothes I love that fit (not only from the second hand store where I have been buying them- and when I get money).  I am going to buy some holiday gifts and not stress about it.  I might even go out on Black friday- with Tricia- though that'll be a little hard for me since it is crowds and early morning hours.  And I cut my hair off.  I love the red, I'm keeping it.  I hated the length, which is probably short to you all, but had lots of unhealthy hair and weight to it.  I like short and spunky.  (Boyfriend might not love it- but I do).  Maybe I'll get that tattoo I've been pining for- maybe I'll bake a cake for no reason at all- you never know!  This year I am focusing on loving what I have, and changing what I want, and having a good life full of love and laughter.  If I put out happiness, happiness is attracted to me- and we all need more happiness in the air!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Signs, signs, everywhere there are signs

I had to change the song- I think the song from which I stole the title of this post says everywhere there's signs.  That's just plain dumb grammar.

Ok- really- I stretched the truth yesterday a wee bit.  The sign did say something about not letting your kid on the equipment with a sweatshirt that has strings because he might hang himself.  It also said not to let him walk on the top of the monkey bars, not to let him slide on a burning hot slide, to not let him play if the equipment was broken and sharp, etc, etc...It went on and on with things we should already know, and we don't, how can survival of the fittest be true?

Playground rules confuse me.  I still don't understand why the kids have to sit on the swings- why can't they airplane? ( I do understand the rule about going down the slide not up, and maybe even the one about not letting go of the bars)  Why can't they run on the playground?  Isn't that what playgrounds are for?   These rules seem to be made by the same people who insist kids do blah school work- "color inside the lines, fill in the blank, bubble in which letter is correct"- not "create art, write a story, show me through a play that you understand this"

One of my favorite college teachers taught primarily through song and rhyme.  One of my favorite assignments (from another not so great teacher) was "do anything you want to illustrate that you understand this concept".  Some students made powerpoints, others wrote papers, my friend made a quilt which pictures and stories, I hollowed out a huge book and stuck pictures and stories in it.  We each made it our own and understood it far better that way.


Today is my friday- I'm off work early, tomorrow and Friday are Veteran's day holidays.  It is grey outside and looks like rain- perfect for sleeping in and reading a good book.  My nook is fully charged and ready to go.

ttyl!K

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

what the sign should say


The sign should say- "go have fun, watch that you don't ram into your friends!"

Instead, (i'd show you if I weren't too lazy to walk the quarter mile back to the playground equipment)
it said" don't let your kids wear anything with strings because s/he might hang themselves
don't let your kids sit on the slide if it can cook eggs
don't let your kid slide with a knife
don't let your kids climb on the top of the ladder with a pole to balance
don't let your kids wrap a bag around their head and try to breathe while on equipment
don't let your kids swing in circles and ram into their friends
don't let your kids play if equipment is jagged and knife like
don't let your kids play with guns while on playground
don't give your kids bullets
don't let your kids lick the pole because of salmonella
don't let your kids eat paint

get it?  Our country is such a sue/court happy country that I am sure the playground maker had been sued for every one of these things.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Has this ever happened?

Have you ever liked or disliked something because of who you associate it with?  Lemme give you an example:  I love color- most colors, any color- except purple.  Seriously, I stupidly can not stand purple.  Why?  The people I know who like the color purple are high maintenance, they annoy me- and so the color purple gets the same connotation as those people.  (This is not commenting on YOU- I am sure that you are not this way even if you love purple).  The color scheme of Burgandy and Black and Gold does this to me as well.  Shudder.  (funnily enough, boyfriend chose burgandy and black for a bedspread- but I still like him)



Names are this way with me too.  I am pretty lucky I am not having anymore kids, since every name I love, I have known a child with that name most likely.  I'd probably end up changing my kid's name on a daily basis according to the behavior of the children in that class.

I know a lot of wonderful Emilys.  I've always loved the name Emily.  I probably will continue loving that name since I have met so many wonderful Emilys.

I loved the name Tristan too.  Ever since I saw the movie Legends of the fall.  Ex wouldn't let me name a kid Tristan because it reminded him of a cracker (Triscuit).  I met a Tristan the other day that reallly tried my patience.  He was not an innately evil kid, he just tried to get out of doing anything and had a bad attitude.  It made me like the name Tristan less.

This could be linked to other stuff like food.  If someone broke my heart over a certain food- I'd probably not want to ever eat it again.  If someone stole my heart over food- I'd want it every day.  Don't we do this with comfort food?  Food we associate with love and family?  We love those because they make us feel loved.

What are your associations?

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Update- Crisis over

You'll find that I have a bit of extremism when it comes to things.  Yesterday's post might not have been a crisis to you, but it sure felt like one to me.  Strangely, I didn't feel it hit until yesterday morning, and that might have been because the night before I had had a Tobin dream.  I was still prepared to go- I even found a green skirt (boyfriend's colors) at Goodwill to wear. (It was brand new and target brand- they seem to have a lot of overflow from target).

What really got me overly emotional might not have been the actual event.  It was reactions to it.  Boyfriend has been focused on moving.  He really had no time to think- we talked tonight and he said had he even had time to think about it, he would have talked to me- I believe him.

 Here's the real issue: It was darn hot all week, my mint is flourishing and yesterday was friday (as if that matters)- I made a nice mojito for myself last night.  I drank one with alcohol in it and about 2 virgin.  I called my friend Megan to talk over the Toby thing- she calls me when she's have a break down- she patted my hand and I felt better.  Boyfriend's dad walks in, mentions I had made a second blender (I didn't tell him it was alcohol free- it is none of his beeswax).  Boyfriend texted and needed help at work.  I talked to his dad- and I was still sniffling a bit about Toby.  The sniffles turned to an occasional tear.  His dad said I always cry when I drink.

He totally dismissed any emotions and turned right to alcohol!  wtf? yes I just used a bad word. Quite frankly, I have a beer or a wine most days of the week- and I don't cry most days of the week.  I was already upset and he turned it to my behavior which he is obviously judging.

I went to bed.  Before 8.  I let it all out.  I feel better.  But I stayed in my room all day- sometimes I just need to hermit.  To not deal with people.  Boyfriend didn't wake me up to go with him.  He hadn't seen the blog- maybe he just decided to let me sleep.  He's home now.  I left the toom to find dinner.  I'll go back to bed soon.  Life will go on.

Thank you for your kind words.  I really don't want to seem like a crazy emotional person- but somedays I am.  That's me.  I feel.

TTYL K

bittersweet


I'm a bit melancholy- and emotional.
let me tell you why- lol- like you had a choice!  Boyfriend races his electric golf cart- (it is pretty awesome to see an apple green golf cart hit a wheelie and go almost 50 mph)- anyway- he signed up for an event this weekend.  I was volunteered to help him.  I have no idea if he knows what this event will do to me emotionally-  I don't even know if he knows what this event might do to me- I'm writing and will have this post while I am at the event.

Tomorrow' s (or today's when this posts) event is a rally for kid's cancer.  A bunch of car people are getting together, showing their wares, and racing to make money for kid's cancer.  Boyfriend signed up to show off his really cool and super fast golf cart.  Did he think about what a kid's cancer rally might do to me?  I have no idea.  I haven't had time to really talk to him ( he's been working late).  I'm all for a kid's cancer rally- I'd really like to know where the $ is going though_ I'm ready to sport my picture of my baby and my gold ribbon- BUT I have already had a few days of dreams with my baby Tobin in them.  If you look at past posts, you will know I feel that they are special visits. It's happened for a few days now- which makes sense since  November 1 was dia de los innocentes and November 2 was dia de los Muertos- and November 6th was the day my best friend's dad died and He is making banana pudding with my son (they are all interlocked- really).

Last night's dream had Toby and some of our friend's Ray and Leslie in it.  Ray was hanging out and his mom was cleaning up the house.  Leslie was showing me pictures my oldest son painted while I was trying to figure out what Toby liked to eat now (he's been dead since 1998- does he still like noodles?)

OK_ so the dream only makes sense to me. Especially since I have been drinking mojitos. I am so impressed that I can use since and sense.  Lol.

POINT?  woman! get to the point!  Does the entire world?  Ok- just you and boyfriend- realize what tomorrow(today because I am posting with a timer) means to me emotionally?  I opted out of the non-profit business because it was consuming me emotionally( I have a very addictive all or nothing personality)- do You ( whoever you are) know what this cancer rally might do to me?  ACK- to quote Cathy, yesterday's post.

I realize I might not make any sense right now (five more point for using sense not cents or since)- because I am on an emotional, mojito, carbohydrate induced tirade with mitagating factors that I am not sharing-

but- that's what I have to say! I love and will always love- every one of my babies.

I'd post a picture of Nolan and Delany if stupid google would let me- but you can look back, or I'll post one soon. to see how beautiful and fabulous they are. They are people I can be proud of knowing. But, Tobin, my son, their brother, who died of cancer, affected all of us, and still does. 

Cancer sucks.   I will live my life knowing I was blessed to know (and still visit) my son who died of cancer - 2-17-98

TTYL< K

Friday, November 5, 2010

An open to letter to my future wardrobe



Dear clothing,
I just have one request- no, it's not to make me look like someone I am not, liking turning Hilary Clinton into Halle Berry with the work of a corset and wonder bra.  It's not to magically make my boobs three sizes bigger and belly three sizes smaller.  It's not to make me look taller and thinner by sticking 6 inch pegs to my heels.  It's not even to give the appearance of thinness.

I'd just like to look streamlined.  Less bumpy, you know?  When I am naked I'm not so bumpy, except maybe my cellulite thighs and rippley skin.  It's just that when I put you on, clothes, you pinch in some places and poof out others.  Can't you just lie there and shut up?  why do you have to call attention to yourself?  Look at me!  I'm a waist band popping out 4 inches so you can see her underwear!

Seriously, waistband, and the rest of you pants parts, I am not even talking to you anymore.  Unless you have stretch in your name and I can layer a tunic over you, I don't even want to see you!  Why do you have such thin thighs that squeeze mine like sausages while somehow being too large on my waist so you pop out in the back?  Why are you either too tight  on the calves showing that I am hippy in the middle (hugging my calves may be nice to show off my calves- they are fabulous- but it really accentuates the booty and hugs my thighs as well)  or too loose and look like bell bottoms?  Why do loose fit make me feel like a rapper with a big diaper butt, or higher waisted make me feel like a baby-bellied grandma? (not that there is anything wrong with baby bellied grandmas, I'm just not ready for "mom" jeans).

Skirts, you could behave better too- some of you are fabulous (like my cool thrift store find of a coldwater creek t-shirt material long skirt in mauve), but some of you really suck.  Like brown skirt I tried on today that had gathers in the front- above the belly.  Why do you need to puff out more on my belly?  Or the cute ones I think I like 'til I bend over and my everything pops out- can you just grow a few inches?  Stretch and cotton are good words for you to have, but please do not stretch out too much so it looks like bigbird wore the skirt before I did. also, can you drape straight down in the back, so you don't curve with my butt?  I think that looks great in a pencil skirt on powerful business women, but as a teacher, I feel like I need to appear more, um, friendly, motherly, modest?...

Shirts- I've pretty much given up on you too.  You either hang straight so I look like a box, or you hug so close my buttons pucker and my arms can't move.  You are either too short or too long.  I've been thinking tank tops look great with skirts and can be layered with a sweater.  So, shirts, call me when we can get along, I'm not liking you much now.  Tanktops- please hug my boobs and awesome 33 inch waist- but no so much  that I look like I was poured into you.  No one wants to see my backfat pushing against your fibers.  Just skim my body gently, thank you.

Bras- it is your job to hold the girls up.  I really don't need he girls pushed strangely into the center of my chest to create "cleavage" and chest skin wrinkles.  I don't need you pushing out weird fat bumps near my underarm or on my back.  Just do your job, proudly.

undies- really, you know what not to do- don't pinch, pucker, or ride up.  Do look attractive and do whatever undies are supposed to do.

Clothes- I'm telling you, this is your last warning.  I don't plan on losing massive amounts of weight so you all can hang on a bone thin lady like the models 'clothes do.  I don't think I'll magically become a hard body.  You and I are stuck with each other (unless I become a nudist, then I'll vote YOU off the island).  So, lets just see if we can work together.  I promise to try the styles that are supposed to work for my body type (I'm  a pear btw), and I promise to try to shop in my size- especially not a size smaller.  I will try to get materials that I love like cotton tshirt material- breathable and doesn't wrinkle (it has a dash of spandex in it).  and I'll wear spanx for special occasions.  You try to just lay there properly.

If we can't agree- I'm switching to cheap cotton sundresses.  The look good with my flat ballet slippers anyway (I gave all the heels a pink slip until my ankle feels better (IF my ankle ever does)).

LOve, K

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Comments

Thank You guys! sometimes I just need to have a conversation with a bunch of level headed ladies to get the gist of how I am feeling and what the proper reaction should be.  A bunch of you made the same comment that my ever wise mommy made. (Avoiding the conversation was not denying myself, but rather avoiding an UNNECESSARY confrontation).

I capitalized unnecessary for a reason. A very good reason.  I've been learning to confront people for the past (10 or so) years.  I've been owning my opinion rather than just going with whatever the leader says.  I am normally a follower, or maybe more of a non-leader, I don't necessary follow idiots- I follow those I agree with, anyhow- For years I'd allow people to say things or demand things and just go with the flow even if I didn't agree with it.  I'd let people make racist jokes, I'd tolerate people stepping on me, etc...I was Ok with it.  Until I learned it was slowly eating me away.  I had to figure out how to make a stand- but that's a slippery slope.  I had to learn when to make a stand as well- and I am still learning.

  This is why my mommy is so good.  She is my unbiased observer.  Even if I tell a story with my biased opinion, she can still manage to see the other person's point of view.  She also knows when to hold them and knows when to fold them.  I value her opinion.  And yours.

So, I am glad I didn't react.  because that was true- I didn't need to.  It didn't need to be clarified.  I didn't change because I didn't publicly label myself.  Neat thing is that boyfriend's dad took the time to thank me for chatting with sister, for being part of the family, for interacting with the family.  That was cool, huh?   

ThankYOU! 

* and as a side note- Andy made me crack up in the picture comments.  He asked if my broom has tried to win me back, like the swiffer commercial's broom.  LOL. (Andy's blog is Eye Candy- he posts a picture a day).

TTYL! K

Monday, November 1, 2010

Random and Lunacy!

First Random- then I'll Lunacy. 

I think I am turning off anonymous.  I really wanted to make commenting the easiest it could possibly be.  I didn't do passwords and I left anonymous open.  However- People have been abusing that.  I have been lucky enough that blogger has a nice spam filter and gets the longwinded weird spam that is posted.  But, yesterday, under my pictures post (you know, the one that was just pictures- a bunch of them?) a spammer posted "nice post, but don't you think pictures would help your blog more?" then gave me some weird name.  That was posted by two weird names in two places.  What dolts!

I like the red hair too, thanks.  It's not gonna last long.  I have only washed it once and you can already see the blonde peering out.  It is permanent hair color, but evidently, nothing is permanent.

I drew twelve tarot cards yesterday- one for each month of this year (Hallowe'en marks the pagan New Year, so don't think I am monthly or holiday challenged).  It looks like a lot of the same crap if I don't figure myself out- which is part of today's gripe/lunacy.  One month really cracked me up.  Apparently, in July, I'll have rest and respite.  Duh- I do every July- that's when I visit my mommy and daddy and brudder.

OK- today's gripe.  Some of you know it yourselves.  Or you see it in others- that ever lurking broom closet! I thought I lived out of the broom closet.  I felt I did.  Until last night.  Story behind the story: boyfriend's dad went to baptist bible school.  He was gonna be a preacher.  He raised his kids with church and the Christian God.  In fact, I used to go to church with boyfriend and his dad when we were teens.  Current background:  Boyfriend knows my religious choices.  He cringed a bit when he found out, but that was because his last girlfriend was a wiccan and she left some bad memories. (she also was born in october and had red hair).  I haven't fully "come out"  to bf's dad yet- he should know- he's asked me if I believed in witchcraft and I said yes, he knows I love ghost and witch shows, I wore the darn witch hat around the house all week- but I don't know if he really really knows. Substory:  Boyfriend's sister suddenly decided to homeschool her 16 year old daughter.  She claims it is so she can give her daughter a good Christian basis in her education.

whole story:  Last night, sister and her daughter came over to give out candy and visit.  I asked sister how homeschooling was going.  She mentioned she was enjoying it and daughter really like that they were discussing other religions.  ("oh- cool" I thought) Sister goes on to say how good this was so that daughter can see how the other religions were wrong (not exact wording- I forgot wording).  I don't remember whole conversation- we ended up comparing Bible stories- Song of Solomon always cracks me up (My sister has no breasts, what shall I do when she is spoken for?).  I commented on how the Bible was picked from a bunch of books written by man and edited by man.  Some books were left out.  She said something about the ones that were left out were inaccurate (as far as I am concerned anything written by man is inaccurate and biased). She whipped out her phone and showed me the bible on it.  I joked that her god told her not to eat shrimp (somewhere in Deuteronomy) and she paused "what?  He's not your God?"  I switched subjects.

why?  To respect the boyfriend who most likely does not want me to out myself?  I think he asked at one time that I not out myself. But..wait.. That does not respect me, or who I am.  That is me being untrue to myself.  That is uncool.  How'd I get back in the broom closet? I've been out in school, at work (if asked), and to family and friends for quite a while.  When did I get stuck back in?  and why?

that's it- that's my ramble.  I know for my own good that I need to own who I am.  and I am not happy with last night.  I am not happy that I felt the need to avoid the question.  I am not happy that I did avoid the question.

How would you like to be asked, or feel the need to (being asked is actually a moot point anyway), deny who you are to others?  Would you like to claim that you are not a Catholic, or a Baptist, or a Pagan in order to fit in?  Would you like to pretend that you are a republican even though you are a democrat?  Or a boy if you are a girl?  Would you like to be dumped onto an island of gays and have to pretend you are even if you are straight?  Then why to we expect others to deny who they are, or to pretend they are something they are not?

ttyl K

Sunday, October 31, 2010

pictures




Happy Hallowe'en and Samhain!

OK- I'll get pictures of the newly dyed bright red hair and halloween costume up soon.  Boyfriend's dad tried to take a picture-
Yeah- blurry as heck and prior to dying hair.  Maybe I'll go get dressed and make boyfriend take a picture of me on the scooter.  I had a had attached to my helmet, but took it off (it made me less aerodynamic).
I wore the outfit to work- with middle schoolers (11-13 yr olds) and they were happy to see teachers in costumes. The special ed kids were way excited!  they almost couldn't work.  I love it.

I'm currently reading "The Big Book of Soul" that I won from Weiser books in Mrs. B's giveaway.  It's about African spirituality and magic(including hoodoo (not voodoo)).  I love it- and I'd love a gazillon more books from them as well.

I bought for pair of glasses (40 bucks total) from Zennioptical.com- including the green and orange ones, and a pair of black and a pair of tortoiseshell. I got my eyes checked and I'm going blinder.  The nice YOUNG doctor lady informed me that because I am getting old of my age, I might notice that I can't see up close either.  Great (we do need a sarcasm font- lets pick one and decide that's what we will use)
Maybe Italics?

Enjoy your day- no matter how you celebrate.  I'll be leaving goodies out for the fairies and my dead.  Though my dead might also eat tomorrow on dia de los muertos.

ttyl!

Thursday, October 28, 2010

woohoo again!

I've been diligently working on finishing up my beautiful conical hat and corset/skirt to wear for halloween...especially now that I found out I can wear it to work tomorrow.  I have a fabulous image of me in my head dressed in my black spiderweb skirt and black helmet (I might attach a witches hat to it) on my scooter racing down the street (mom, not really racing- going speed limit or below, and always watching for idiots).  I also finished a puzzle ball I gave away for Mrs. B's giveaway, and got things ready to mail.  Plus! Plus! Plus! I picked out some cool new eyeglasses.  This weekend I am going to get an eye exam and my mommy directed me to the website Zennioptical.  Look at these cool frames I want for only 10 bucks- we will see what they cost with lenses, but it has to be way cheaper than I usually pay...




Frames at the optical doctor's are usually 100 bucks or so- these are only 10.  They have frames from 6-50 bucks!  For that price I can buy three or even more. I am so excited.  Plus, I'll be able to actually see!  One eye in my current glasses is a bit fuzzy, even when sober.

I'll get pictures of my Halloween attire soon!
TTYL K

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Obituary

Lyn at Witchblog  posted a cute bit yesterday on obituaries that told the truth, the down and dirty, the whole dirt.  I thought this would be a cool exercise for us...to think what our obits would currently say, and to think what we'd want them to say.
Quite frankly, I don't care if I get an obit.  I don't care about the grave, I'd rather be cremated or donated to science, or pieced out as a donor.  You can throw me in the ocean, in the dump, or leave me in a coffee can.  Whatever,  My body will be dead.  I do plan to haunt a few people just for fun though.

What dirty (not so secret) secrets could my obit have?  I love wine, and beer, and mixed drinks especially margaritas- and I drink them.  (Tipsy is not a bad thing.  I don't like drunk, though I have been).  I'm a jack of all trades, but have mastered none- I don't stick with things forever, I just flutter from one to the next.  I'm in love with love, and a sucker at times (been married twice, divorced twice).  I had my first kid before I was 21- I got knocked up. I'm moody and might have a bit of my birth father in my personality (he's a downer like eyeore and a hypochondriac).  I cuss occasionally, smoke (a pipe or cigar) occasionally, and tell dirty jokes occasionally.  I'm not much of a laborer- I prefer hard work mentally- though some might argue that my work isn't hard enough. This dribbles into my exercise- I used to work out a lot.  I don't so much anymore.  If it's a mainstream newspaper, maybe they will want to mention my not so mainstream religion, as well.

Some people who have issues with me might be able to muck it up a bit more- but I think their opinions of me would be biased negatively :)

What about good things?  I try.  I try to be open, patient, kind, accepting, and understanding.  I try to earn my keep and care for myself.  I try to keep promises and uphold my responsibilities.  I put love and effort into everything I make.  I am creative.  I am appreciative.  I save bugs.  I don't kill ( I do eat meat- so I kind of kill, and I eat veggies, that's kind of killing too), but I don't squash bugs or murder people ( misquitos and black widows are an exception- there it's kill or be killed).  I maintain a bit of a childlike wonder and joy in my life- and I share that with children and adults a like (it's good for you to color, look for 4 leaf clovers, dance in the aisles of the grocery store, flap your arms and try to fly).


somewhere in there it would be nice if someone mentioned that I love my kids, stayed home with them for 11 years, volunteered at their schools, and tried my best. Maybe that I was, am, a decent daughter and sister too.  We will see about the wife thing- I thought I was a good one, I don't know if I'll ever be one again.


What do I want to do that my obit might mention?  I've talked about this before- I want to do that stickynote thing where I leave positive sticky notes for people to get (I've left one or two- but don't get out much).  I want to do the toy society and leave toys all over for people to find .  Basically I want to spread surprises and joy.   I want to travel and learn about other cultures.  I want to be open to new experiences and foods and customs.  I want to visit places of worship.  I want to watch people.  I want to write a children's book, or perhaps a substitute book for schools.  I want true and enduring love.  I want to be old with someone else who adores me.  I want to save animals.  Maybe foster kitties.  Maybe get a big house and make it just for kitties. I want to grow my own food, can some stuff, make my own cosmetics. I want to know about crystals, aromatherapy, herbs.  I want to live fully and enjoy it.

What about you?  what will your obit say?  what should it mention?  what do you want?  I'm adding a mcLinky if you wanna link up~

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Dear Mass Media,

Dear Newspaper funny pages, Disney, History Channel, TMZ, and all~

I know it's Halloween season, and I know you want to find scary things to talk about, but you really disappoint me.  Why don't you review some of the politicians running for office right now, that's scary!  But please just SHUT UP about things you don't know.

Newspaper funny pages, when you said "a long time ago, people used to believe witches were real"- you were stupid and a big lying liar who lies. OK_ maybe not so much a liar because that statement was true, but the inference was incorrect.  Today, people believe witches are real, as well- because they are!  Maybe, since you think are an educational tool, you could have taken time to research it, and either leave witches out all together, or include the truth about witches.

Disney, why are all witches mean?  Why why why?  Remember in the wizard of oz, they had one nice witch?  Maybe you could try that? the green skin has to go too.

History channel- why would you let your announcer dude say "Halloween is one of the weirdest holidays"- no it isn't! It's a day of honoring the dead, a day of celebrating harvest, a day of keeping the ghosties and fairies at bay.  If you check it out, a lot of cultures have days similar to these.  Remember Dia de los muertos?  How about the Christian feast that used to be in the spring but was moved to Nov 1 to coincide with the pagan holiday- I think it's all saints day (no- I'm not gonna research it, because I am a big hypocritical hypocrite)?  How about all those tribes that take care of their dead on a daily basis? Weird is insulting and an opinion.  I think it's weird Jesus likes bunnies who lay colored eggs when he dies and comes back as zombie Jesus (just teasing about the zombie part- it just always makes me giggle: not kidding about the bunny and eggs which are pagan).  Could you not buy a dictionary or look up the meaning of halloween?  Dictionary.com has a thesuarus too- let's try another word instead of weird.  Let's read up on the holiday first, m'kay?

TMZ, you did a story on Wiccans cursing a certain basketball player.  Then you lumped wiccans and witches together.  Not all wiccans are witches, not all witches are wiccans.  Wiccans would never hex or curse anyone (a witch might). You just hopped on some stupid sensationalized story because you are idiots who don't actually research anything.  (BTW- dude who commented on the story - both might use a pentagram, maybe even bones).  Looking for sensational stories?  go find a politician who doesn't lie.

Everyone- jeesh, the first rule in writing is to research, find facts, don't make crap up unless you are filed under "fiction".  But even then, can we balance things out a little?  All witches are not mean, all cats are not cute, all old men are not grumpy....

and, if you want to talk about Ghosts, they aren't all evil either- just remember Casper.

ttyl! K

Monday, October 25, 2010

Lunes Lunacy- Usuary

Yeah- I know, I just made up a new word- but if Pres. George W. Bush can do it, so can I.

There is a difference between being used and being useful.  Even as a mommy, a person can be used.  The difference, I believe, may be in the gratitude and expectations of the receiver.
Ex and I had issues occasionally ( I know- suprising, eh?).  Some of them had to do with housework and household expectations.  This issue dribbled into childrearing as well.  Just before we broke up, I had been going to school full time- not the full time 12 units at college, but the full time plus- as in 15-18 units at one time.  I tried to show ex that each unit equaled three hours of class time plus homework each week.  So, I technically worked 45 plus hours a week, then came home to clean and cook. 
I had big issues with both cleaning and cooking.  When had it become my job to rinse other people's dishes and get them into the dishwasher? When had it become my job to pick up other people's crap from all over the living room?  When had my son's clothes started to sneak into my laundry basket?  Or the trash become my job?  Why whenever I cooked, did someone complain about what I made and then not eat?  If I didn't cook, I looked like a bad mommy. Why did my reminding the son to do his chores become nagging?
The gratitude and support felt like it was missing.  Because I had been a stay at home mom for so many years, I was now considered the doer of all things.  Ex's job was to earn the money and water the grass.  My job was everything else.  and I had to do everything else to other people's standards.
I'm not saying my job as mom and wife was bad.  I was lucky to be able to stay at home for so long.  I was lucky to be able to put myself through college (I know I did because I still have the loan to prove it).  I was lucky to have kids that were not difficult and an Ex that worked hard.  buttttt......
I no longer felt useful.  I felt used.  I know the difference and I didn't like it.

That's my gripe for the week- it was very pleasing to have to reach back into time to find a gripe :) I guess fall and halloween can really make a girl happy :}

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Blogging

I haven't been on in days!  But I haven't been ignoring you- I come home from work all worn out from taking care of boogery 3 year old, and am forced to take a nap.  Then I wake up and read all your blogs- I comment on some if my fingers are working- but I read all of them.  Then, I start sewing my new hat until my eyes are droopy, and I go back to bed.

I have to change verb tense here- that was bothering me, as I did that all last week.  Today is Sunday, so I slept in til ten and then forced myself to doze til 1.  I am afraid I am catching a cold and sleep usually helps me avoid them.  I'm up now drinking tea laced with orange juice.

Usually my mind is constantly going.  I am writing blogs in my head as I zoom off to work.  I am commenting on things and opinions always in my head.  My head was way too tired to do that last week.  I love the preschoolers, but as a teacher, I have to be constantly on and aware- then the lunch break is filled with getting stuff ready for the next class- then a fresh bunch of younger preschoolers appear for another 3 hours.  ack!

I have 7th graders on Monday.  I don't know if that is any more relaxing- but at least the day goes by fast and I am in no way bored!

Witchy Godmother gave me this award!  I've been popping on to her site for a bit now- Mrs. B showcased her and she has a cute and informnative blog.  Plus, I just realized the other day, you can hear her voice on her blog!  weird to put a voice to writing.
this award makes me laugh- she hasn't seen what I am wearing right now :)

OK- peoples, I will try to post more next week... just know I am reading and still enjoying the blogging world!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

yiddish wednesday, tuesday in my town

and...more words to insult by!

Nar ainer! - You fool, you!

Nebbish - A nobody, simpleton, weakling, awkward person

Nishtgutnick - No-good person

Nudnik - Pesty nagger, nuisance, a bore, obnoxious person

the word nervous is yiddish is narvus- I love to see how languages link like this.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner!

And the Winner is...Witchy Godmother!( we can email address info, OK?).
Don't forget I've got another giveaway going on at Mrs. B's today!

(my toes look beautiful in gun metal grey- I picked a kickbutt color)

oh- and I almost finished the hat, I need to edge it, but I think I'll make one in black, leopard isn't thrilling me.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Halloweenie

 I'm such a dork, and I love it.  I spent an hour last night looking up dog costumes.  My step-dogger is a huskie, and would never wear a costume.  Even if she did, she'd never look quite as cute as this:
I'd seriously consider buying a baby pug just to train it to be ugly-cute in costumes.  It'd have to be pug mix though because I only get pound puppies.
Now, my poor cat never got the hang of wearing costumes either- I thought he looked like a wonderful lion:



I guess I'll have to buy a pet to dress up that's not living, or maybe a young man, like Diva Eva did: from daily dose of diva

This is more plausible.  Around payday, the 29th- look for a newly adopted friend :) Unless I figure out how to construct on myself prior to then. (the hat is coming along- I hand sew, sew I am slow.)

speaking of scary- have you ever sang the rockabye baby song?  what the ????? put a baby in a tree until the branch and baby fall?
That's why each kid got better songs:  Nolan's was Baby Mine (bette midler)  Tobin was Eidelweiss (the ending was changed to Bless my Tobin forever)  and Lany was a Jimmy Buffet song "Delany talks to statues"  or "Little miss mischief"

Have a great weekend! I probably won't post tomorrow because my oldest bestie is taking me out to get my toes prettified!
ttyl!K


Friday, October 15, 2010

award n stuff

Debra at She Who Seeks gave me the Prolific Blogger award- that means I talk a lot.  (grin)  The rules are to also thank the maker of this lovely award- advance booking- isn't it a lovely award?

I'd love to pass it on- but I'd have to pass it to everyone!  Look at my side post with blogs--> almost everyone one of them is someone who blogs just about daily!  If I miss a day, I have to read for hours to catch up!  If you want it- take it, it's pretty- I'm giving it to all of you!  Just link back to advance booing who started it :)


* Hat update- I've started a witch hat out of leopard print material I had here- it's fuzzy and furry, I like it.  I just happen to have leopard print shoes and a belt to match.

I dreamt night before last about my son, Tobin.  The one who died of cancer before he was 3, about 11 years ago....Only, I know these dreams are much more than dreams; they are visits.  Especially since I haven't seen him for about a year, and the veil between our world and the spirit world thins around this time of year (why do you think Halloween or Dia de Los Muertos is in the fall?).  I am always thrilled and saddened after one of his visits.  He is so alive, and I get to hug and kiss him.  I can feel and smell him.  Then I wake, and it's back to living without him.

I worked again today- in another spec ed class.  I was only called idiot a few times.  I was only yelled at twice.  It was a decent day.

It's friday here!  Monday I draw the winner for the pin-up ball, go back to that post and put your name in!  I'm also on Mrs.B's blog on monday for a giveaway.....

Going to finish my homemade hat!  TTYL!
K

Thursday, October 14, 2010

If I had 30 bucks right now........

I'd be broke again!  Because I was just looking up stuff I can't afford right now, and really want a hat for halloween( all good witches need a proper hat- I had another I liked but don't think my hair would hold one of those that are clipped on tiny and sideways), and came across this:
Is that just tooo cute for kitchen witches?  She's on etsy under REAM04.  The listing for this one is here.

The clip on ones I looked at before are under the link and under the name Witchystarr.  I like them, but blond hair isn't good for clips and such.

Ok- I'm off for now.  I might post yiddish later.  I have work at 1 today.  1-3, weird right?  5th graders, so hopefully they'll be calm.  About yesterday's post:  the kids were special ed.  I am assuming that there are medical reasons they were angry and violent, much like the medical reason I have depression.  I am still wondering why they are allowed to play games I wouldn't let my son play til he was 15 (when he solidly knew that gun and knife play are only for video games).  I also feel that speced teachers are saints.  I can keep calm, I am great with humor, I have tons of patience- but I couldn't do that everyday.  Thanks for your comments and kudos.  I like you all too :)

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Never again

Most days I go to work armed to the gills with super powers.  Super powers teachers and mothers have.  The power to calm and angry kid, the power to turn defiance into aquiescence, the power to make the sad giggle.  Not today.  My super powers did not work.  These kids were kryptonite.
These kids were 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders.  All put in a special class.  I am assuming that most of them were in ther for behavioral and social issues.  There were 8 kids, all boys.  And 4 teachers most of the time.  Ocassionally one teacher would take a few of the students to other mainstream classes.  At the end of the day I was left with 4 kids, alone, for 10 minutes. du du du (ominous music)

Throughout the day I was called names- bitch, fucking bitch, evil, brat, etc.  I was told that I was not the boss.  I was stabbed with a pencil.  I was kicked at, hit, and hissed at.  If I tried to help with classwork (amazing how any got done at all), I was ignored or whined at.

These kids have issues.  They have issues with names, official names.  They have special helpers, counselors, certain plans for their school and behavior. 

Why are they like this?  Is it nature?  Nurture?  A little of both?  Why are they being allowed to watch TV with Violence?  How can they be allowed to play violent video games?  Their behavior already leans toward anger and violence,  why are these predilictions being fed?  Where'd they learn those words?  Does their family talk to them like that, or in front of them like that?

When I was alone, one kid knocked over his friend's blocks.  Friend yelled, kid ran, friend jumped up angry with fists cleanched, grabbed a block and pegged kid.  Kid came back to fight, friend was geared up to fight.  Nice older kid stepped between them.  Friend threw himself on beanbag, kid wanted to body slam friend.  I restrained kid by hugging him gently and sitting down with him.  I don't know the legalities of restraining.  Kid's father showed up right then.  Just my luck.  After kid calmed and I let him go- father said "so behavior wasn't that good, huh?"  well------------duh.  Behavior was OK til then.  Not great.  I doubt behavior is ever great.  The kid has no impulse control like everyone else in the class.

I'm tired.  I usually love classes with special kids.  This one was too much for my super powers.  These kids had force fields up against my awesome mommy stare and ever-correcting "I'm going to tell your parents" (or take away recess).  I don't think I'll jump at the chance to visit that class any time soon.  My wounds need time to heal and I need to hone my skills.